Well, kind of. I’ve still got so much to learn about myself and relationships I’ve come to realize.
I’ve been confiding in a very smart male friend of mine to guide me along in my first “real “ relationship. He knows me well and my tendencies and well, he knows guys, so it’s been super helpful.
M and I ran into something again I didn’t post about on here, but it was around new baby mama drama and him taking it out on me a little . I overcame it , he gave me a sideways apology. But I took it.
He came over last night, I grilled us some steaks and corn. We were on my deck and whenever he talks about stuff around my house, yard, etc, he says “oh, WE can do this and that”
He was talking about the vacation he booked that I can’t go on. It’s going to be him, his dog and a cabin in the woods. He was speaking very excitedly about it. I did say “ you are kind of happy I can’t make it, aren’t you?” He said no, but I do really look forward to that tome alone on the lake to clear my head and just do what I want when I want” basically, yes, I think he’s happy I’m not going . I’m the best person to ever vacation with because I am just happy to be where I am and I’ll do anything and go with the flow. I think he knows we would have had a great time together, but he will also have a great tome without me . And I am getting that he is definitely an introvert who needs this. And hopefully I make it to my bachelorette party that week.
We do have fun stuff coming up together which I am looking forward to. But next weekend is my birthday and I’m not saying boo. He needs to figure this one out and plan something. He does need to step it up a little that way.
We did have a great night last night. We were laying in bed and he said “I love you” multiple times. I do believe he loves me. That friend of mine believes so too. But when you take two people with kids, post divorce , doing their own things with their own lives and own homes, it really is a learning experience to mesh. I love him enough that I am willing to trial and error this and work our way through the good and bad and keep communication open.
Both of us are childless tonight again. He was supposed to put in my air conditioners last night but he forgot. This morning he says “ I never put in those air conditioners. I can do it tonight though” so maybe he does want to see me again. Tonight, I am going to have a discussion about personal tome and time together. I feel like I’m always doing the one asking to hang out. I’m going to tell him I’ll tell him my free days and I will leave it in his court to come to me if he wants to spend time with me. I think he does for the most part,, but he needs his days alone. I have a BBQ this weekend I was going to invite him to, it’s on Sunday, lol. I don’t really know if I should or not. But either way, D11 and I will be going and having a blast.
Enough of my rambling. But really, when it gets serious there truly is a lot to navigate and learn with so many factors in play. But I do believe it’s worth it for the ones you love.
Last edited by job; 05/23/1901:47 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Well, kind of. I’ve still got so much to learn about myself and relationships I’ve come to realize.
I’ve been confiding in a very smart male friend of mine to guide me along in my first “real “ relationship. He knows me well and my tendencies and well, he knows guys, so it’s been super helpful.
You are not alone, Ginger. I think we ALL have a lot to learn about ourselves and relationships. I honestly believe when we stop learning we grow indifferent and indifference breeds all sorts of negative things in a relationship or even within ourselves.
It is helpful to get a viewpoint from someone of the opposite sex who you trust. My best friend is a wealth of information for me on how men think and I'm so grateful that we have a level of trust that allows us to talk about anything and everything.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Both of us are childless tonight again. He was supposed to put in my air conditioners last night but he forgot. This morning he says “ I never put in those air conditioners. I can do it tonight though” so maybe he does want to see me again. Tonight, I am going to have a discussion about personal tome and time together. I feel like I’m always doing the one asking to hang out. I’m going to tell him I’ll tell him my free days and I will leave it in his court to come to me if he wants to spend time with me. I think he does for the most part,, but he needs his days alone. I have a BBQ this weekend I was going to invite him to, it’s on Sunday, lol. I don’t really know if I should or not. But either way, D11 and I will be going and having a blast.
I understand what you are saying about feeling like you are always the one to ask to hang out. Sparky and I had this discussion recently because he had sent me a link to his google calendar and asked me to put all of our important upcoming plans on it so he wouldn't miss anything. I think men and women approach this whole hanging out thing differently. Sparky just kind of takes it for granted that he will spend the night at my house on Friday and Saturday nights, but occasionally, depending on what we have going on or if his mother needs help with something, we may change it up a bit. I buy groceries near the end of the week so that I can cook for us while he's here and I grocery shop a little differently if I'm cooking for both of us as opposed to just cooking for me, so I almost always ask if we are still on our "regular schedule". This used to surprise him, as though I didn't want him there, and that wasn't it at all. I was just trying to get my grocery list done. LOL Sparky sometimes just assumes we are doing something or not doing something without a plan. I'm a planner, which I know is frustrating to some people, but I want to know ahead of time. I do not do "fly by the seat of my pants" well. Just keep talking about things with M and you will eventually get into a comfortable place with each other where y'all can both instigate activities without it being too much pressure or whatever.
I didn't comment on your last thread about his need for space/personal time and being an introvert, but I agreed with a lot of what others were saying to you. I have a little insight because Sparky and I are the opposite of you and M. I am the introvert in our pairing and I NEED that alone time. When Sparky first started staying over on weekends, he would just stay on Friday, then he would leave late in the afternoon on Saturday and I would have Saturday evening and Sunday alone. Now, he usually stays both nights and leaves late on Sunday so I really only get Sunday evening alone and sometimes that is just not enough for me. I love Sparky dearly and enjoy my time with him, but I NEED time alone to just relax and unwind. I have a job that forces me to be an extrovert. I interact with a lot of people on a daily basis, especially when I have a heavy course load and teach 3 or 4 classes a day. Those days are a minimum of 100 people and during class I have to be "on". It is very draining for me to have to be "on" so much of the time and I need to just go home and shut the world out so honestly, if I had the opportunity to do that, I might turn down time with Sparky to get time to recharge. I think communication is the key here. Be honest with him about what you need, but at the same time, you have to realize that he has needs as well and if you want him to respect yours and work with you then you have to respect his and work with him. My XH just didn't get it and would constantly whine about what he had done to make me mad if I needed a little alone time. It had NOTHING to do with him. I just needed some down time. Sparky, fortunately, gets it. I don't see anything wrong with inviting him to the BBQ if you really want him to go, but be sure that you make it clear that while you would like him to go, you aren't demanding it. You're just offering a casual invitation to hang out.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Enough of my rambling. But really, when it gets serious there truly is a lot to navigate and learn with so many factors in play. But I do believe it’s worth it for the ones you love.
I totally agree that there is a lot to navigate and learn and there are a lot of factors in play, including that you and M are individuals with your own thoughts and agendas. You aren't always privy to his and he's not always privy to yours so you have to make the best decisions with the most information that you have. As I have said to J9 many times before, stay out of your own head. You can assume and overthink and worry about what M is thinking, but you don't truly KNOW what he's thinking at any given time unless he tells you and even then it is easy to dissect and go "yeah, but..........." Just relax and enjoy the present. He loves you and you say you believe that he really does. That is a GREAT thing! So just go with the flow and enjoy the ride, so to speak. Relationships are work, but if you keep communicating and be open and honest with each other, the work is sometimes easy and often rewarding.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Hi Ginger. I typed out a post to you this morning and then changed my mind and deleted it. On my lunch I went back and read some back story to get some context.
I'm going through a very similar thing perhaps. I too am 3 years out. I made new "just me" traditions and routines and was very comfortable in them. People around me were also comfortable with them to the point where they would worry when I varied from that routine
I too am an introvert. An outgoing one perhaps, but introvert still. Fortunately B is also somewhat like that. Since I always like telling stories, ole' Uncle AP is gonna tell you another one. Last weekend B went out to her cottage on Friday night. I get home from work late and TBH it was nice to just sit and chill with a cold beer and not have to interact with anyone or be accountable. Saturday, after more or less doing my usual routine that I've done for years, I went out to the cottage where I met much of B's immediate and extended family. I had a great time but left a bit before dark. I got home, relaxed, had a glorious long sleep stretched out on the bed and when B got home mid-afternoon, I was delighted to see her.
I know that my intended trip to Spain on my own this fall bothers her undoubtedly for a wide variety of reasons. We are both confident that museums and art galleries are not her thing. I know that with some exceptions such as her upcoming "girl's weekend", that she wants to include me in the routines and traditions that are her's. Even minor things like toilet lid up or down or the sudden influx of items to the medicine chest that used to hold a box of band-aids and anti-itch cream is a thing. I could go on and on and on, but this is your thread and not mine
From what I read, I think that M is letting you in to his life much more slowly than you would like. I don't doubt that he needs his own personal separate bubbles to just be himself. And he needs to be able to trust you to let him be himself.
Pre-happy birthday BTW! A lot of men really svck at that from what I can gather. B's husband never marked it in any way for the 22 years they were together. And men can be rather dense. Do not expect him to read your mind He's out of practice on all this and from what I gather his prior marriage wasn't one that would have had the behaviours that you are expecting.
Originally Posted by Mrs Banks in Mary Poppins
Though we adore men individually We agree that as a group they're rather stupid!
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
All good insight. I usually do the asking because his schedule is set in stone, and mine can be pretty random. I also have about a million and one things I need to do, so I kind of do need a yes or a no and not wonder so I can plan my day as well.
It is clear he is an introvert and needs his recharging. No problem. I also get to that point like I can’t wait to chill on my couch watching my garbage TV without judgment tomorrow night. We are both free again, but no way am I going to ask him to hang again. However, I would probably say yes if he asked me to do something.
I basically follow his pace and his lead, but I’ve always followed others paces and leads, and mine is important too. I wouldn’t say he’s letting me in slower than I would like..... but I am a little frustrated I’ve spent time with his family and friends, and he hasn’t mine.
I don’t think I’m rushing anything. We hook up, have fun, hang out, etc. I am Not trying to get married right now. But yes, my end goal is to be in a long term committed relationship with him. So it’s just some differences I notice in us and how we have to navigate things .
He’s coming tonight to actually put the air conditioners in and I am going to have a talk with him. Because it is ok to have relationship talks at this point. And it’s not an R talk. I’m just basically going to tell him I don’t want to always ask him to do something because I feel like I am pressuring him. I’ll let him know my availability. He can decide from there. With the exception of special occasions, he can ask me out . My birthday? Well, if he backs out of family dinner, I will be p!ssed. He knows I want to do something with him on the weekend. But I’m not going to set it up. We will see what happens .
I think we are coming a long way. He pees with door open now and he f@rted in front of me last night . I find these terms of endearment, lol.
We just have to feel each other’s comfort level out of time spent
Last edited by job; 05/23/1908:01 PM. Reason: edited a wording
Are you not already in a long term committed R with him? He shows no signs of ending things right? It's been 8 months or so correct?
What's missing? Something seems to be not jiving with you and I get the sense you feel like he is not all in. Not meeting your parents, concerns over your birthday, not being physical in front of his son, him not inviting you on the vacation, etc. etc.
Don - I have to respond to your last post on Gingers thread. A lot of men note that we get more upset or critical during certain times of our cycles. Yes that’s true. I know I do.
But maybe, when we are not ovulating we are looking at things MORE rationally, as we are not being influenced by hormones that want to perpetuate good feelings for more babies Maybe we are just seeing things with rose colored glasses during the other times of our cycles? Maybe that’s the time that we can accurately assess a man?
Indeed we are in a committed relationship. The goal is for long term. We have done the 3 H’s quite well and now are getting a little closer meshing lives a teeny bit more. Differences come up then. Things aren’t always so rosy. I think he’s all in. But at times we have differences we need to work through now that we are closer. He did actually invite me on that vacation. I couldn’t get the time off of work. But I think he is secretly kind of glad. And that’s ok. I brought that up because it's obvious he likes his alone time. Sometimes he does do things I am not totally cool with. And to speak to what juju said, sometimes those rose colored glasses come off . And more so with those hormones because we aren’t flying on cloud 9. Of course, duh, he should have said off the bat he was going to miss his lake meeting for my birthday with my family.
Just because some things bother me or there are things I might want differently doesn’t mean it isn’t working. Everything is manageable stuff with communication. And in the big picture, things are good. But there are things we have to navigate. Nothing is a red flag, just some differences. And I think we will both communicate and not be adored the other will just run away. I tend to sacrifice myself for relationships , and it gets me nowhere and I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m really trying to avoid that.
He came over yesterday around 8. I was out picking us up sushi and when I came back, both AC’s were on and he was teaching my dog loose leash walking. Then we were looking at my yard and I had the wind actually pick up my shed and move it, exposing the weird stuff that was underneath it. His eyes light up and says “ we should really do something about that! Want to make a project out of it??? Then he figured out how to make sure my dog can’t get out of the yard ( little a hole has been escaping to the neighbors yard) and is going to do that for me. Definitely definitely an acts of service guy. And I think wanting to do a project together is a serious showing of love. He was much more cheerful and we were just laughing all night. When we were eating dinner he says to me “I have no plans this weekend” I said I had a barb question. He was poking around and I said “ you can definitely come with us if you want” he got happy and said he would like to join us. He did leave last night around 11:30. He admitted he wakes up more rested in his bed. I also wake up more rested when he’s in his bed, lol.
I mention what I did J, because it is an example of the things that happen when you move past the 3H’s. You’ll be there one day. I value our relationship immensely and I want to get past some differences in opinions the healthy way. The good thing is, I’ve never doubted our R or my love for him even when I wasn’t thrilled. This is my first “healthy” relationship. Just trying to keep it healthy!
