After reading through all the responses my will to stand has been weakened. Stability of family for the kids and getting more time with them is a big reason for standing. Otherwise the more I disengage the better I feel and I am starting to question why I am really standing. W has been communicating more from her side and coming with kids and me when we do things like dinner at restaurants but the posts here show made me realize this is not really anywhere close to acceptance and is only because the pressure is off. The number of success stories of reconciliation is also low and I am not sure if it worth wasting more years of my life for someone who does not value me.
Good is the disengaging is helping Bad is I am losing motivation for reconciliation Ugly is kids will suffer
Sorry for the rant
This is pretty typical. The better you get at acceptance, the more you realize that you will be okay post-D. Lots of people stay together for the kid's sake, but that only will take you so far. Plus kids would rather be from a broken home than in one. So if you are not staying for the right reasons and/or either is she, it could be worse for them in the long run.
MLCxH, these feeling will come and go. I know for the first part of my sitch I would swing between wanting to boot her out on her butt, to wanting nothing more than to reconcile. And it could change in an instant.
The healthiest place to get to is an "either or state". "I will be fine if she stays...I will be fine if she goes!" That is what DBing is for.
I'd also point out that R rates tend to be low because people tend to DB very poorly.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Your feelings sound completely natural to me. I'm wrestling with similar feelings in my sitch.
Standing is not for the weak of heart. It requires faith that your sitch will evolve, that your W will eventually value you again and your M can return to good health. I believe in the sanctity of M, I believe all M's are tested at some point, and I believe it is worth fighting through these difficult periods. I am not religious, however, and I don't have that extra faith to draw strength from. I am realistic. I have zero idea if or when my W may "come around." And once I see some of these fleeting glimpses of a future happiness on my own, that does weaken the stand.
Also just want to say -- your kids may suffer MORE in an unhappy M.
I feel the same way you do about the poor stats on reconciliation. It seems especially worse when it's the wife who has betrayed the husband in an affair context. If I thought there was a decent chance, I'd be more open to it, but from what I'm seeing the rarity will just feed paranoia.
I don't know what I'll REALLY do myself if/when the time to discuss reconciliation comes. I'd like to think I won't entertain it.
Please don't take this as a vote for what you should do. Just me sharing that I wonder the same things.
May: discover PA April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA March: different bedrooms, IC Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
The number of success stories of reconciliation is also low
It only seems that way because they usually quit posting once they patch things up. I've been here long enough to see quite a few people come on here for a 2nd time. They patch things up and never even bother to come here to say they successfully reconciled. Then they fall right back into old habits, a few years pass, they get BD'd again and come back here wanting to know what to do. The fast turnarounds usually don't "stick" because the LBS didn't take the time to do real 180's on their faults.
Yes, kids will be unhappy in a broken marriage but the hope is that if reconciliation happens the marriage will be stronger because both of us have grown. That hope is what makes me stand for the sake of the kids long term
We are still living together in different rooms of the same house but not sure for how long since the D has been almost finalized. This at least let's me take care of the kids instead of just a few days at a time. She has stopped complaining and blaming me for her problems. She makes eye contact and initiates conversations. Most of it is because the pressure is off but she definitely seems to respect me more now. Only time will tell but I don't know if I can wait
The number of success stories of reconciliation is also low
It only seems that way because they usually quit posting once they patch things up. I've been here long enough to see quite a few people come on here for a 2nd time. They patch things up and never even bother to come here to say they successfully reconciled. Then they fall right back into old habits, a few years pass, they get BD'd again and come back here wanting to know what to do. The fast turnarounds usually don't "stick" because the LBS didn't take the time to do real 180's on their faults.
This is very inspirational, as someone who basically is assuming I should just walk.
Any more to offer? I cant help but feel like when the wife has a months-long affair that we're just...toast, statistically. (Vs. a man having a one night pump and dump, for example).
May: discover PA April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA March: different bedrooms, IC Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
At this point I feel I am in the withdrawal stage. Not W but me as the LBS. Able to detach more in my DB efforts but emotional roller coaster of hoping she is getting to acceptance is also high. She is showing more respect to me and has not complained about me for weeks now. But I know she is not close to accpetance since D has been finalized and she did not stop it.
Have to decide if it better to move to separate homes or try to stay in the same home together for longer so that I get more time with kids and give her more time on her MLC journey. She will be cake eating because I will pay most of the expenses. If I am ok with the cake eating should I try live in the same house or move?
