I can speak from pre-DB experience in saying that pursuing for the talk does not work at all. If you were pursuing before, a 180 on that would be not to pursue. That's what I did. It took 8 weeks to show any effect.
W is talking now. Very limited, very sporadic. She still wants out. I have told her I'm not stopping her.
That's the only option I have left. I tried everything else.
- Sorry for my actions. Unacceptable. I've been hurtful and abusive. - 12 examples. Here's what I did, here's how I imagine you felt, I regret what I did. - It must be hard to live with me. - I'm worried about impact on the kids. - I'm going back to IC. - I know if I don't change you might have to leave. - I hope you forgive me some day. - Hope you can share your feelings with me
Letter #2 (paraphrase): - I love you (with list of 10 reasons why) - I want to have a future together with you - I hope we can work together to heal this hurt.
Letter #3 (paraphrase): - Specifically addressing one event - I need to change, I understand if you are afraid of me.
I'm pretty sure I don't need anyone to reply...... Really bad........ Wish I had found DB before this..............
It's been 6-7 weeks since. I asked to talk in person after Letter #3, she said in front of an IC. . . . . . So you tell me if I'm wrong. I'm pretty sure W is scared of talking to me.
How can I go back and say: - I freaked out, and did the event in Letter #3, because I thought you were leaving. - I wrote those over-the-top letters because I was scared of losing you. I ALSO wanted to apologize to you. - I can see in retrospect how one-sided and awful those communications were. - I am calm now, I accept any outcome to our M, but I want to try to stay together.
I just don't think DB'ing alone is going to address this issue. I can be AMOAFWL, but it's not going to matter if she's afraid of me.
Yes it will matter. Because you can be a changed person regardless. Change yourself into someone she can be secure and safe with.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Why did you send the next two when she didn’t reply to the first one?
Not changing my mind. GAL like a mad men and use the time as a gift to try to establish yourself as a person who is not desperate and needy and who is in control of his emotions.
Again at some point she will either approach you to D you or to work on the relationship.
Yes it will matter. Because you can be a changed person regardless. Change yourself into someone she can be secure and safe with.
SoTorn -
I agree. So how do I demonstrate I am safe and secure?
I want to talk (which she said she wanted to do 11 days ago) primarily to demonstrate that I am safe and secure. That I can handle my emotions, that I am neither distant nor histrionic.
DB’ing can come across as aloof and distant, or like someone not caring. It is kind of dangerous. I like the self-improvement aspect but I feel sometimes like it is only adding to the iciness in my sitch.
Tonight W was on the phone for awhile with one of her D’ed friends. I’m sure the subject was discussed. I won’t jump to any conclusions. W did the hermit act after the talk - went to the MBR, never engaged with me rest of the night. Four weeks ago I would be falling apart. Tonight I am... well... I am nervous, but I’m smart enough not to read anything into it. I can write out all the scenarios and any of them are plausible.
I don’t even really want to have a serious R talk, my idea was a small talk just to get my W to open up some deeper feelings. I think our communication is so screwed up we absolutely need counseling. I think it would help a lot. But she has to want to go. I was hoping some talk at home would at least initiate an interest, or at least show her that I care.
I really wish you would understand that time and space is the only thing that will change this around long term. Talking, letters and pursuit will just further seal your fate.
It's been 11 days. If she really wanted to talk she would have approached you by now. DB gives you the best chance to turn it around. Do You know how many guys came to the board and paid for programs that they admit made matters worse because it involved pursuit? Dozens.
Right now you are trying to use logic and reason with an emotional human being. If we could just talk we could work it out. You feel the need to do something. This is known as the "illusion of action". The only action you should be taking is going in the absolute opposite direction.
U the number one problem is that what you fear you attract and right now your irrational fears are getting the best of you.
