The letters, intended to show her I cared and wanted her back, instead probably pushed her away because they were scary in their intensity.
Yep. In five years on the board the letter has never worked and usually made things worse.
Originally Posted by unchien
I can understand now why she might be scared, but it still bothers me that she didn't open up a bit more beforehand. In March I think she started thinking about leaving, we had 2 months (since January) of not really talking about things.
I'd bet every dollar in the bank she's been thinking about leaving for years. These letters and car pullovers just give her ammo to defend her actions.
Originally Posted by unchien
So here I am again... I know I frustrate a lot of people on this forum with my posts.
Not as much as some other posters lol.
Originally Posted by unchien
But I just don't agree that letting my W go right now is the "answer."
Your looking for a reason to pursue her.
Originally Posted by unchien
Look... it's a pattern. I'm either distant, or she thinks I'm liable to flip out. I was basically DB'ing from Jan-Mar and it dug me a deeper hole in my M. I felt great about myself during this time, was exercising a lot, giving her a wide berth.
I'm willing to bet again she doesn't mind the distance she is just looking for some more ammo. You over analyze things too much.
Originally Posted by unchien
I'm not really sure what I'm going to do at this point.
Yes you are. You are going to pursue her again.
Originally Posted by unchien
- My W is not in an EA/PA. It's just not possible. She's always with the kids, or with friends, and she always send pictures when out with friends.
This I agree with right now.
Originally Posted by unchien
- If my W thought our M was abusive, she would not be upset about my distance.
Again I don't think she is upset. If she was she would pursue you.
Originally Posted by unchien
I can only conclude that she is seriously unhappy and sees a life without me as a happier path. Why would that be?
That's the story of everyone here. She's unhappy and it has to be your fault and she will get rid of you and some knight in shiny white armor will come and take all her problems away and they will get married and the blended family will be just like the Brady Bunch. Or at least that's what she dreams about every day.......
You are right. I am looking for signs that she is open to talk. She gave me a sign. She said she wanted to talk about my distance. There are multiple possible interpretations.
1. One interpretation is that is a small sign of her pursuing. She wants to talk. Maybe she is scared of me getting over-emotional, so hasn't followed up. Maybe me *not* talking to her about this just perpetuates the problems we had in January to March.
2. Another way would be that she's just building up anger to fulfill her narrative, and I'm naive to think this will help.
Our M has major communication problems. What would be the DB approach to addressing this?
You GAL like a mad man until she approaches you to either 1. D you or 2. Work on the marriage
How does this resolve communication issues?
Our communication skills as a couple are terrible. We do not handle conflict well. We avoid. She gets angry and I defend and pull back. Both of us need to work on our part (IMO).
I can't make my W decide to change how she communicates. I can, however, change how I communicate. Example 180s for me would be:
- Stop avoiding conflict out of fear/anxiety - Accept my W being angry, ask her about it, avoid problem solving, validate, let her vent - Don't demand that we talk, just propose that we talk. - State calmly my position (the distance in our R will not resolve on its own, we both need to work on it), but don't insist on any action by my W. - Handle however the talk goes with emotional balance
Originally Posted by LH19
If you want to have the talk then have the talk but you better wear a cup because there is a really good chance she is going to kick you in the nuts.
If you want to have the talk then have the talk but you better wear a cup because there is a really good chance she is going to kick you in the nuts.
From someone who did this, I bet money on this. You want to experience getting crushed and feel like you're getting tossed aside like garbage; if you want to feel like the years of your M didn't matter one iota - then go talk to her.
I know that I am doing some level of my own projection, but from the scores of sitch's here and what happened to mine, the response from your W is quite predictable. The chances of you having the kind of conversation you think you're going to have and want is so darn small that if this goes the way you think it will go, that would be a huge outlier to how things generally unfold.
Be prepared to get decimated if you go this route. And I can tell you from personal experience, it was devastating. I am not trying to scare you, but just giving you an honest answer.
Do you think she would be open to going to Retrouvaille? If so then please consider it. It will do wonders for your communication. One weekend at Retrouvaille will teach you more about listening and validating than a thousand books.
She’s probably not open today to retrouvaille. Maybe down the road if we start working together on our M. I’m tentative about even pushing MC right now.
Just want to say here... I have no official word or proof that W is actually going to file. Lots of clues. Mostly just a lot of distance and a bit of strange behavior. No EA/PA. A book someone gave her.
I’m not looking to have a grandiose talk. I’m looking to open the door to some sort of communication. She indicated she wanted that.
Let’s just look at the letters alone. If she was interested in fixing the marriage she would have at least acknowledged the letters.
That’s what I thought too. Then I read them again after some time. And they sounded like begging and pleading. They sounded like a man desperate to save his M. They sounded like someone who would fall apart and couldn’t handle reality. They sounded like a man you may want to be afraid of... overly emotional, dramatic.
