I'd have to agree with kml on the introvert thing, that's exactly what I was thinking when I read about M.
Some backstory on me that I hope will help give some perspective. When I was in the Air Force I took this Airman leadership course to prepare E3's for the higher supervisory ranks going forward. This was a 2 or 3 week course that involved daily public speaking and managerial skill development. It absolutely destroyed me every single day. I would get home at 5 PM and pass out before 5:30 and usually sleep a solid 12 hours because I was so low in energy. I've never been so drained in my life. One of the days we had this personality expert come out and test us on our Myer Briggs personality to show differences in how people relate to each other. I was the only person there who scored the max possible score in introversion while one other person was a few people below me. Everyone else was near the middle range or on the extroverted side. Either way, the instructor spent a good amount of time using me and the other girl as examples on how extroverts view introverts and giving a different perspective on our behaviors and how their image of didn't fit with our actual thoughts and motives. Such as, not talking to someone or spending time being taken as the person not liking you or not valuing you, when in fact its just difficult to manage our energy stores and we overthink situations.
Anyway, recharging is a daily struggle for me. My job requires me to interact with several individuals, two of them being nearly the opposite on the extroversion scale and its a constant struggle every day.
Please do not look at this and think its something to do with him not valuing the R the same as you do, its just a difference in personality and how we operate, which is normal. The more introverted someone is, the more they are drained by people and the longer it takes them to recharge. I promise going down the "if he loves me he would be recharged by me" is the wrong way to process this and will only lead to resentment and disappointment.
I love my kids and would do anything for them but even they drain me, so that along should say alot about it not having anything at all to do with the person they're with. I need my personal time to keep sane and not just once a week. Sometimes I need mini episodes daily and then a larger period every few days.
I know there are balances and sacrifices in any R, but take the above as a perspective to help understand him more. You aren't wrong to want more time with him, but neither is he for needing his alone time to recharge. There's a balance you both need to work towards and it will take time.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
This was a huge issue between me and my ex husband. (I’m not comparing M to my ex). I often felt lonely and felt like the pursuer because I just valued shared time so much.
We started dating when I was in school and super busy. I used to joke that had I not been in school we would have broken up as I would have demanded too much time.
Huge difference though. I remember he got really mad at me and broke up with me for 1 day at the 1 year mark because I brought up that he chose gym, and other activities over me. I actually cried and told him how I would change. I though back then that I was too demanding and clingy and controlling. ( a recent therapist pointed out how he did not care about my feelings or needs and it showed early on). My ex husband was the one to ask me to move in. In hindsite I suspect he did it for a break in rent. (I paid 1/3 and kept it at that and he later grew to resent that)
M did not break up with you or get mad at you for expressing your needs, so that is good. He is expressing his needs for Sunday’s to himself. I think a good sign would be a compromise from both of you. You find your own things to do as KML suggested and he should sacrifice voluntarily without you pushing him a few sundays as well. (This would demonstrate that he is willing to meet your needs) you both voiced your needs so now you have to see what each of you do.
My ex, intentionally “rebelled against me” and sought more time away. I remember that summer he went out with his friends on 4th of July instead of me. I did not see it like that at the time. I saw it as a, I was wrong to be too clingy. God , I was so stupid. Now I would detach and look for another guy.
So just observe and see how things go. I agree with J in that you have to weigh what your boundaries are. What is enough for you. You did do that with Hot chocolate and it worked in your favor. it’s about finding a healthy line between relationship compromise and sacrificing ones needs.
Yes. I think this is who he is. And I was going down the slippery slope of him not placing as much value on the relationship because he didn’t want to spend tome with me when I wanted to spend it with him. I believe he loves me very much and values what we have. My love languages are physical touch and quality time. His I think also physical touch acts of service .
I guess snuggling with my guy is recharging. Him, being totally alone is. Neither is wrong. Neither means one cares more or less than the other.
And it occurred to me, especially today. He vacations alone for a full week. He invited me to one of his vacations, because both of our kids are away. But thanks to this job, I couldn’t go. He told me this morning he chose his place and sent me a link. And he’s really excited. 7 days of seclusion on a lake in Vermont. I made a joke and said you’ll certainly get your alone tome there. And he is say he wishes I could make it. However, I think he really wants to go alone. Not many people seclude themselves in a cabin for a week. So this is clearly who he is and what he enjoys .
So, I get it. And I can deal with it. Usually Wednesday’s we do something together. But I’m not going to be the pursuer this time. I’ll see if he asks me.
This stuff is hard. But worth it. He is totally worth it
G - I can tell you after spending a couple of days in a row with the DR I need some time to just be, to just do me. I don't need a special day but I do need some time. It might just be a guy thing
Outside of the Sunday thing you also expressed concern about your birthday, what he got you for Christmas, his son and lack of affection while he is around, etc. Was is it about those things that bothers you?
Yes, my birthday upset me. I think he is a regimented guy and he sticks to all of his commitments, so Monday night is lake meeting night. I gave him a chance to realize he should be missing a meeting for my birthday. It took a while. But he got it. It was like this weekend we were gong to the lake and I was going to his house and we were going together in his car. He asked me if I had a beach chair and if I needed one. He caught himself and said “I should just bring one to make it easier on you”
As far as the Christmas present.... we were dating a little over 3 months. I went out of my way and got him a special present, but I did not expect the same. I think when he realized I got him a gift, he just grabbed something . A tin with Godiva hot chocolate and a candle. Gift giving isn’t this thing, he will do something nice for you first. I did drop some hints. We will see if he picks them up.
As far as his son, we did talk about it. He apologized for it before I could say anything and he said it will definitely happen soon. His son really likes me and vice versa. He would be happy. I’d like him to know before we are all on vacation together.
I’ve been very patient and understanding. And he tells me as much and tells me I’m amazing.
I shouldn’t touch any sensitive subjects around my time of the month. It’s disaster.
I know I'm kinda late into all of this but... The first thing I did as the reading was unfolding was to take a look at the calendar to see what time of the month it was. Still kills me how (due to formerly matching schedules with Wild Girl) i still know when your emotional time comes. And I've seen this play out now at least a half dozen times with you now - first around the 10th to the 15th of the month and now since your medical shift the 15th to about the 20th. Talk about TMI but seriously, I've come to find in my adult years that this hormonal stuff really places a huge factor for some women and Ginger with nearly all of your struggles coming during this time of the month i think the most important thing you can do is see that part for what it is and wait a week before acting on things that fall during this week.
But we cannot and should not just dismiss all of it as "that time" because it really is not. Clearly he is an acts of service guy. Ask him to come fix something and he'll be there no matter what - even on a Sunday. It's clear! But ask him for close, emotional time, he may not be. See, that takes totally different parts of the brain and is different to cope with. For him, doing an act of service for you is how he shows you he loves you. He's COMFORTABLE with that - very comfortable. He's not nearly as comfortable (at least yet) opening up to you. That takes a different side of him.
i see this by putting myself in his shoes. Many people don't understand people like me who LOVE to be by myself. I'm told I was like that from toddler on. It's not like i don't enjoy other people or make friends or can be outgoing as well. i just am totally fine and sometimes prefer just being alone, doing what I want, when i want, not having to accommodate anyone else. This may be M. it may not. there is no way for us to know.
What it really comes down to is this is who he is. He's not likely to change. That's how pretty much all Rs go. The person is who they are. Either that fits with you or it does not. And you don't need to decide now. It's not like you are 30 or 35 with a bio clock ticking, etc. If this rides another year or two and you break up I would not consider it time wasted. So why not stay on the ride. Just don't expect him to change. That's first and foremost. Then you'll eventually figure out if he is a fit for you or not. You may need someone that is there 24/7. (I don't think you do, i'm just making an example) Let's say you really want and need someone that is around more often than not. If M is not that guy - he's not that guy. If you don't need more than he can give - this R will work (or may work) If you do need that, you need it. It's not bad. It's not right or wrong - it just is - and M might not be the right guy.
Again just putting myself in M's shoes, I could see myself doing what he did - and in past year's I've done it. I still see my brother do it to this day and he's married over 25 years. Ask him to come fix something, help someone, do a task and he's right there. Ask him to hang out with family for an event, and he'd sometimes I think rather go to the dentist. it's just who he is.
As Juju or someone said, the best part of this is M is talking with you about it. That's great. R's are one long, never ending, constant negotiation. You have to chose the really important things and let some things go. I for sure can tell you this, if it were me, the worst thing you can do is put more pressure on me to be there Sunday. That would push me farther away. I suspect M is the same way. IT won't bring you two closer. He will have to come to you on his own - and you acting as if, going out with the girls and just doing your own thing will bring him there faster than anything else you could do.
Most of all (ending where I started) wait until the end of this week and see if things don't look different to you - for the next 21 to 25 days, anyhow.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Last edited by job; 05/23/1901:46 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
