I don't want to make him mad with the cameras. I don't know how to approach that topic except to accept that it's his house and if I want to talk about the divorce or him, I better do it elsewhere.
It can wait, but if he moves out then I would absolutely change it to where he can't spy on you. Disconnect them or change the access to where only you can see them.
Originally Posted by InLove42
I know! They were texting 150-250 times a day, which is why I started freaking out. They were talking to each other on the phone while he was on his way to see her and then most of the time on the way back from seeing her.
Sounds EXACTLY like an affair, which I think it is in every way except sexually.
Quote
I have read that this can be normal in adult child/adult parent reunions.
I have no personal experience with it so can't say, but it strikes me as very creepy/ not normal.
Quote
I do think he has someone there who is giving him the validation and support he has always needed. This is why I think he started betraying me and telling her everything.
Yes that's typical of an affair.
Quote
No More Mr. Nice Guy?
Am I being too nice? Really?
It's not what the name implies. The book is about passive/ aggressive behavior and men putting on a "nice guy" facade while being very controlling and manipulative behind closed doors. The book helps people afflicted with NGS (nice guy syndrome) see what they've been doing and address how to fix it.
This is a huge emotional crisis for him and he's probably only talking about divorce because he's panicking. Do whatever you need to do to keep things calm.
He's not only talking. He filed 3 days ago. Since we have no kids, he's trying to push it through quickly.
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
Be out of the house most of the time if you need to, seeking your own support and solace.
I have been out, but I admit I try to hang around to see if he comes home. He does super late after I am in bed. I admit to wanting to see him come home early one day.
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
Does he have brothers or men friends to look out for him?
He changed his number and deleted his FB. He hasn't even contacted his brothers. I am not sure why. They are in contact with me. It's like he was trying to cut everyone out of his life except mommy. Truthfully, he never pursued relationships with anyone except me. I can see now how unhealthy that was.
I am going to speak to our head rabbi and have him reach out to him, gently. I don't want to turn him off from ever wanting to go to synagogue again, though. He does trust our head rabbi.
I am going to speak to our head rabbi and have him reach out to him, gently. I don't want to turn him off from ever wanting to go to synagogue again, though. He does trust our head rabbi. [/quote]
Don't do this. It is manipulative and controlling - things he is already raising with you as problems in the marriage. You need to 180 on that type of behaviour. Speak to the rabbi about your situation for your own support and in confidence, but not as a way of getting the rabbi to persuade your husband to do what you want him to do.
Understood. But he isn't talking about divorce. He's filed. Not sure what to make of that. I know I can't change his mind. I'm entering acceptance mode, but it's super hard.
Its not really about being "nice" lol. Seriously go read it.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Understood. But he isn't talking about divorce. He's filed. Not sure what to make of that. I know I can't change his mind. I'm entering acceptance mode, but it's super hard.
So he already filed? Do you have an L?
I agree that this sounds like an emotional affair, but in a very creepy way because this is his biological mother. Just remember that the only thing you can do is focus on yourself. Give him space. Don't try to get anyone to talk to him. Nobody is going to change his mind. Nobody is going to talk to him. Getting other people involved will just be manipulative if they try to reach out to him and try to talk him out of what he is doing. Nobody can talk him out of it.
You just need to let him go. One of our sayings here is "let them go to get them back". Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't. In my situation, my WW cheated on me. She treated me extremely badly for about a year. I still pursued. But after I found this place I got 2x4s all day long and realized that I needed to take a huge step back and focus on myself.
In doing so, I realized that i was not in a relationship with a mentally healthy or supportive woman. I realize that even with me at my best, my WW was not changing and there was nothing I could do about it. I let her go, moved on and I have zero expectation or desire to get her back or get back into an unhealthy relationship.
You will get there. But it takes time and you have to focus on yourself. There is literally nothing else you can do besides focus on yourself. You will drive yourself nuts and be an emotional wreck with constantly trying to figure out why he is doing this, what he is doing or trying to make him do something. Just let go. Its hard, but its the best thing to do for YOU, not him.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
My husband filed for divorce last week, and he has been asking me to see the lawyer. I keep repeating the same mantra to him. I filed a response to his petition that asks for a separation working toward reconciliation. He is coming home during the week and staying with his mother on the weekends. Yesterday was bad. I don't know his phone number, so I emailed him asking him to unlock the controls on our AC and to deposit money in the account where our bills are coming out. He ignored both messages over the weekend. I asked him why. He was cocky and rude. He said the house was nasty. I told him to clean. He said I was the one there, except the times I'm off partying. I sat there. I asked him if he would mow. He said if he feels like it. He had camaras up, and I took them down. I told him that I felt like I was being watched, like the novel 1984, and I was going to move out right away if he didn't remove them. I said I can't live under these conditions. It was too much. He said, fine, I'm removing them. He started railing into me about how he was glad he was getting the divorce, how I am out partying with my friends, etc. (I hang out with my girlfriends and went salsa dancing a couple of times), how I spent the weekend away, and how I am trying to pick up men. I told him again that I am not wanting a divorce. He was angry and yelling at me. I said again, "I am not looking for another man, but you can't expect me to stay home. I do not want a divorce. I would prefer a separation. I love you." He slammed the door and took off.
I was distraught and crying all day off and on. I didn't understand his vitriol. I came home later and he was there cleaning the house, sweeping the floor. I asked him if a realtor was coming by. He said, no that he was just cleaning. He asked me if I would go see his lawyer on Thursday. I told him I filed an answer and that it asks for a separation working toward reconciliation. I said it's so stupid. There's no reason we can't reconcile. We're not incompatible. He said I'd ruined it for him. He can never go back to his old life because all our friends know about him leaving me. I told him they love him and that I've never said anything bad about him. I told him that I took responsibility for my own actions and my control issues. I don't know if he believed me but we talked about our synagogue and then he just started crying. He said he missed our life together and how we were together. I asked him if he missed me. He said yes. I told him I missed him. I had to go to counseling, but when I got home we talked and talked and watched a show together. He gave me a hug at the end of the night and said he had a lot of fun, and he was glad we could hang out like this. (mixed signal). He held my hand during nightly prayers, which he said with me.
He still slept on the sofa. He Then when I woke up we had coffee before he went to work. He gave me a big hug before he left. I don't know what to think. I don't want to press him. I am doing counseling and working on myself. I am not acting like I don't care. I keep telling him I don't want a divorce that I love him and miss him. I don't randomly say that. I only say it in relation to the divorce. I tell him that I respect him and I apologize for my control issues and for letting it get to this point. Not sure what to think. Are these just games? I am certain he will go to stay with his mother again, soon.
I should add that he still seems adamant to move in with his mother and go back to school, and he recently got a tattoo of mother-son celtic symbol. I am being supportive of his mother, allowing him to talk about her and how wonderful she is and how much he adores this or that about her.
