What a great thing to read exquisitetobe. As we parents all know the most important thing we can do for our kids is to just "be there" and to model the behaviour we want to see.
My ex-wife used to always joke that she was surprised when she opened her mouth and her mother came out. They are always watching us, especially when we don't know it.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I don't have any real advice about how best to deal with your daughter. I just dropped by to say that I realise it isn't easy and I can understand how difficult it can be for you. Whereas my boys are pre-teens, I have no direct experience to relate to, I am very aware of how difficult parenting can be, when we want the best for them.
I send you my best wishes and hope you find the best way to navigate this situation. I am sur ethat by being on this site and having dealth with a "teenage" spouce, you have some gained some Tools and insights to help you.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Hi ETB. You have gotten some great advice here. I’m a mental health clinician and I work solely with teens. I can tell you that the number one protective factor for any teen is their ability to openly communicate with their parents. Rebellion in teens is a normal developmental stage. Her task currently is to figure out who she is apart from her parents. It is important to keep in mind that she is experimenting but functioning well in all of the important areas in life (part-time job, going to school, etc...). It is important that you recognize those things and she knows that you do. As DnJ said, get into your intellectual car. Ask yourself what you would say to a really good kid you cared about but was not yours.
Stephen Covey wrote a really good book on habits of “effective families” that I recommend to all parents. In it, he talks about what to do when you youth does something you don’t approve of. It is okay to express your disappointment and to talk about your fears but do not turn it into a “crime and punishment” situation. The second you do that, you make yourself the problem and you get in between your teen and her conscience. Do not make yourself the problem. She needs to know you are on her team...even when she does something that you don’t agree with.
Growing up, I had a really good relationship with my parents and the same deal that DnJ talked about...that I could call at any time and they would pick me up without fear of punishment. I didn’t have a “curfew” per say as it was something I negotiated depending on what my plans were. I had friends who had hard and fast rules. They spent the majority of their time trying to get around those rules and making some risky choices. In university, out from under their parents’ thumbs, they made even riskier choices. I didn’t because I didn’t have anything to rebel against. My parents trusted me and their trust was the biggest influence on me when it came to making decisions.
When you feel yourself getting behind the wheel of your emotional car, STOP. Step back from it. Parents do the most damage to their relationship with their kids when they are driving that car. Take some deep breaths, be curious, ask questions, do not accuse or blame, and then STFU and let her talk. You will be very glad that you did. Oh, and if you do lose it and get really upset, there is nothing teenagers appreciate more than hearing their parent admit they overreacted and offer an apology.
Anyway...that’s my two cents. I wish you the best of luck over the next few years. It can be a very trying time but it can also be extremely rewarding if you play your cards right. (((HUGS)))
I know sometimes i pay too much attention to details. I also know when i look at the big picture, and at past experiences, we are doing really good and things could be alot worst.
Lately, i have changed my approach. I am taking it easy with her bf. It seem to pay off for both D16 and her bf. I know they both have alot of respect for me. D16 is smilling again and is at ease with us.
I've really got nothing to add, but you seem to be a good role model.
Hang in there.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
I feel so many things today. Nervous, anxious, neutral, on alert, exausted, worried, pro-active and as a failure. . I am all over the place.
2 days ago, D16 came home badly messed up on drugs. We got into a convo and i took her phone away for a week Within 5 min of her going to bed, she was passed out.
Through my phone, i messaged her bf to know what they had taken. Without his knowledge, he was texting me and D16 ( me again ). He said weeds.. ( I know it was way more then that ).
We messaged back and forth ALL night. In the morning, through D18' s phone ( because i have no way of contacting ex-h), i sent him copies of our conversation. He responded right away to contact OPP and report him . D16 was already at school and me at work. Suddenly, i got a call from the principal letting me know D16 had just been picked-up by her father and asked if it was ok. ( The principale is an old co-worker of mine back when i worked at the elementary. She knows our history). In a hard beat, i answer: YES!! Oh, thank God! She said: i did not know if it was ok now and asked your D16 if she wanted to call you but she said she did not have her phone. I responded: I have her phone! She clued in that something was going on. I thank her for the call and told her i would be in soon to explain.
Ex-h had a long talk with D16 and brought her to the station. I will not give details. Investigation is in process.
When he brought her back, i asked if he could take her because i do not know gow to deal with this. She hates me right now and she will not listen to anything i say. She will try to contact her bf and it will get nowhere but worse. He accepted. I said i would do all the travelling to get her to school for the last 2 weeks and also for work. ( i do her work schedule and can keep my eyes on her while she still has a little bit of normality).
I gave ex-h D16' s phone. He looked at it last night and has more digging to do. What he found is outrageous. He said he could put her bf in jail for many, many years..
She can NOT HAVE any contact with him. Will charges be laid? It will be up to ex-h and D16. This is where i feel like a failure. I should have suppervised her phone. I trusted in her and forgot that teens often have a side life parents know supperficially.
There will be much more to this but for now, i have to drive D16 to the meething point. I' m sad now! T
I am so sorry that this is happening to your family, but you have done the right things in getting to the root of the issue. This should be a wake up call for your daughter, but it's going to take a lot of therapy for her to learn this. Do not forget that some people tend to test the boundaries and if you tell them they can't have contact w/someone, they will find ways to do it. It become a challenge and secrets begin. I hope your daughter will not be like this, but you will need to watch her behavior vs what she tells you.
Thank goodness school is almost over and hopefully her father will step in and work with her on this matter.
Thinking of you and praying that everything works out.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
thank you !! 