Got a life, now what?

[97Hope]

Just journaling,

He came by today just out of the blue. S17 is at work. Just me home. we worked together to feed the horses/cows etc. We always get along great when we do that. Talked about S17 and his sitch.

H commented on how skinny I am. Asked about my underwear. (???)

Tried to have S with me when we got back to the house. I said, No and got away.

He seemed to want to hang out so I changed clothes and said I was going to a friends house.

He asked what I'm doing tomorrow. I was vague. He knows that I'm going to a fundraiser tomorrow night.

I enjoy his company far too much. How do I focus on myself and my healing without focusing on his negative aspects? I will admit I don't have the best coping skills, so in the past, when I want to get over something, I go negative. I really don't want to do that anymore.

Any advice?
Also, He hasn't brought up filing again, but I will not be surprised when it happens. Sad. Hurt, but not surprised.

[97Hope]

Seriously.

He just sent a link to his calendar. ??? I have to laugh at these crazy times. I had asked him for years to let me know when he is on call and when he will be out of town for the military and he does this 2 weeks after he says he's filing.

Might be on the advice of the L - coparenting tips - who knows. I'm suspicious of everything he does lately. Is he being nice for a future of being D? Probably.

S17 had a breakdown last night. I suggested he call his dad. He said "if he wanted to be here for me, he would be here". The boy is not wrong. Now H is concerned about what the IC for the S17 will keep from us. Just got a long 'speech' about it. I just said, if you have concerns, you can certainly talk to the IC about them but S17 wants this, I know it will help him learn some heathy coping skills. Ugh. I hate the control issues.

I will be finished with my contract next week. Wondering if I should hurry up and find work sometimes, but then I come back out of fear and remember that I didn't ask for this, I don't want it, and I will NOT allow H to captain my emo ship. I will take one day at a time and adjust my sails accordingly, but I will not go into panic mode because he's not in a good place.

Hope everyone is finding peace today.

[SoTorn]

Just keep on DB. Keep focusing on yourself. Thats good that you are not feeding into his ego. He was temperature checking the hell out of you by trying to have sex with you. Its good to show him you are not emotionally connected to him so that he doesnt get that from you.

Who cares if he sent his calendar to you. That doesnt mean anything. He is just keeping you attached. He wants his cake and he wants to eat it too.

Focus on you and S17. Keep your schedule full with things that make you happy and things for you and S17 to do together. Be that rock for S17. You got this.

[97Hope]

Thanks, Torn.

I believe you are exactly right in the temperature checking and trying to keep me attached. Honestly, it feels like he is scared to lose me.

I was scared. But then I lost him. I had to come to the conclusion that I had lost him long before BD.

I didn't want this but as far as emotionally, I'm no longer chained in by fear. It's already happened. When I see him reach out (asking me out to dinner, sending texts/facetiming me) I realize that it's not me holding on anymore. It's him.

Wow. Torn, I just had an amazing epiphany. Thank you so much!!! He's holding on and I've been letting him hold on to me and our life together and the kindest thing to do at this point is to stop all that. Actually be unavailable. I wish I would have declined the calendar invite, but I will not beat myself up over it. Time to respond differently.

[SoTorn]

He is afraid that you wont be plan B. Thats good. If he truly cares he will completely change and prove to you his worth and that he values you.

[97Hope]

I am definitely NOT a plan b gal. I am plan A all the way. If he doesn't see that, I can't help him.
That is something I am learning along the way. I didn't expect much from him, and that's what I got....not much. My mistake. Won't happen again. with him or anyone.

Thanks for "listening" : )

[97Hope]

WWIII up in here the other day. H motioned that his cousin and her hubby and kids were planning on coming into town and were talking about staying here. (H moved out Feb 1. Said he is filing "soon" 2 weeks ago). I said "have her call me" and it sent him off into a level of anger I haven't seen in quite a while.

H: "why does she need to call you?"
me: so we can work out the details
H: "what details?
me: how many, how long, meals, etc.

At this point, it went south quickly in front of our S17. H believes since this is "still his house" he has the "right" to allow anyone he wants to stay here and that if I don't feel up for company, I should leave for the time. He actually believes this!!! He said I should be thankful for providing a house for me and paying all the bills (he makes GOBS of money and i've been a SAHM until recently) I said that I was thankful and he said I sure wasn't acting like it! lol No. I'm just not agreeing to everything you say!! Ugh.

We didn't fight long, in front of S but I did say "that's not how this works" H said "that is absolutely how this works" to which I replied "you. don't. live. here. I have the final authority on who comes and goes from my HOME.

He called after he left (about 30 min to an hour). and it started up again. Hindsight....NEVER having a convo with him about rights. If I need to, I'll just tell people he invite that it's not a good time and go around H. No one who are mutual friends will believe the chaos around here because H hasn't told anyone in his family or close friends.

The MLC roller coaster is NOT my cup of tea. I regret getting on, but I got back off and now trying not to beat myself up for taking the bait.

This actually isn't completely new. He has always felt "entitled". MLC just brings it out with hurricane force.

And makes me question just what exactly I would be missing....

Feeling so sad and lonely but working helps. Everyone there is still amazing and cool. Drive is brutal but finding joy in the sermons I've been listening to. Hope in the Lord is much better than hope in any person!! Has brought me peace!


The thought of dating ANYONE else..ever...still makes me pukey. Will that change?

Blessings to all of you. Advice welcome.

[dillydaf]

Stay strong, it is your home and you DO have the final say on who visits. His behaviour is outrageous, don't tolerate it and don't argue with him, if he challenges you again repeat your position and say you will not continue discussing it.
I get the feeling he has acted like a bully for a long time, this is a great chance for you to be assertive now because you are going to need these skills in the future!

[97Hope]

dilly! I've read up on your sitch. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I know that I will definitely need to work on being assertive. I found a lot of comfort in your story, not that I 'want' you to be here, but feeling alone stinks!! I am glad that you have people to meet up with. That has been difficult here as we have only lived here for 3 years - population 200 - and everyone we know are mutual. ugh! But town 20 miles away I can start meeting up with people. just have to make myself do it for a time.

I've realized over the past 2 years that for most of my life I've felt like I can't feel certain things, and that my H would tell me my feelings were wrong. This has been amazing and very difficult at the same time as I am now 45 realizing that when I'm sad, angry, hurt ....whatever...that I don't have to change my feelings or apologize for them. They are mine. It's also beginning to anger me that I have allowed someone else (more than just H) to tell me that my feelings were wrong. So instead of hanging up over the past, I am noticing my feelings and not apologizing for them (even in my head I still find myself questioning my own feelings!) And focusing more on my responses. Another milestone for me, I react less and respond more. Feels liberating.

Have a slow weekend. Bank holiday monday so I'm looking forward to an extra day off this week.

Have to meet with a L. don't want to, but H is changing how the money is being handled.

He send me a text last night with a picture of a co-worker (male) at a restaurant explaining what would show up on the credit card. Felt like a crumb. I didn't pick it up.

[FlySolo]

I know exactly how you feel on the house front. My H is still very attached to it. There is a part of me that knows that with every change I make, he fits in that little bit less.

But you need your space. And that space needs to be such that you feel safe. He has his flat that he can escape to whenever things get too much. What do you have?

Last Halloween my H invited his mum and his brothers (then) girlfriend and there daughter round to the house so that they could all go trick-or-treating. I said at the time (admittedly to his mum and not to him) that it was inappropriate for him to be inviting people round to my house without speaking to me first. She understood and he has (more or less) never done it again. It is your home. He left and now does not get to invite people over to your home irrespective of whether he is on the deeds or pays the mortgage or whatever. Do you have the right to demand this. I don't know. But you have the right to request that he does the decent thing. If he doesn't then keep reiterating it. Your house. My home. Keep repeating it until it sinks in.

The thing about feelings is that they are all valid. Two different people can be part of the same interaction, but they will interpret it and feel it differently. No-one can tell you your feelings are wrong because they are your feelings. I have incredibly irrational feelings. But they are feelings all the same (I had a mini breakdown over a bottle of paprika and another more recently with discovering that he had one of my casserole dishes in his cupboard) and they are valid to me.

You are doing great hope. Keep in there. Keep finding and doing things that make you happy.