Maika and J when the moms only have the kids 50 percent of the time and they put dating first it tells you something. In my case, and in Gingers we have our kids the majority of the time - (I have son at least 80% of the time and its actually much easier for me now then when ex husband and I were together ) and a break or even catch up helps a lot.
I agree with ginger that modern moms do have unrealistic expectations placed on them. In the past, kids went out and played all day with neighborhood kids while mom stayed home - cleaned, socialized. Now there is so much pressure to entertain your children all day long, chauffeur them to structured event after structured event, have a spotless home that looks like it belongs on hgtv and work as a professional. I think these new expectations are leading to depression and marital break down.
At first I was disappointed that my son wasn’t into team sports. (Especially since he is so hyperactive) but now I’m kind of grateful for the saved costs and travel and time. With him, I had to accept that the more I push, the more he pushes back. He loves martial arts and cooking and With certain personalities it’s easier to just follow what their interests are.
I do know when me XW first moved out she was all about dating and partying when she didn't have the kids. I will say that 2 years later it appears that has died down and she no longer gives me that impression. Her life has appeared to have stabilized.
The Dr. has her son full time and outside of Cub Scouts he is not involved with anything else. The Dad lives over an hour away so she doesn't have the time to enroll him in anything else. His schedule is her schedule so he goes to bed at 7:30 pm wakes up every morning at 6 am and she has him to school by 7:15 am every morning so she can get herself to her office by 7:30 am. The good thing about the Dr. is that his school, her office, and her home are all within a 3 miles radius of each other so she literally doesn't have to leave that bubble. The downside is that she doesn't get a chance very much to leave that bubble, she misses out on a lot of networking events, and always has to find a sitter to watch her son if she wants to go out or whatever.
My issue is that I don't approach sports from the point of view of just having fun and enjoying it. I approach it from developing you skills, winning, and working hard to be the best you can be. Then once you start to improve begin playing harder competition so you can continue to challenge yourself.
I was an athlete and Im a PT so I get that regarding sports. I think they instill confidence in kids and they teach them that results come from hard work, commitment, and dedication. My son is horrible at team sports. He is adhd and even though he’s got tons of energy he has really poor coordination and fine motor skills. What bothered me so much was that he didn’t even want to try! And the more I pushed the more he resisted. I was forcing him to practice dribbling and trying to invent games to work on catching skills. Eventually I gave up cause it just added more struggle and conflict to my life and I wasn’t accepting him for who he is.
What i do tell him is he has to choose one sport, one hobby and then next year we will pick an instrument. I let him choose what he wants, but I make sure he knows he has to be part of something. He ended up becoming obsessed with martial arts. He loves it and practices without me telling him. He loves rock scrambling and hiking that involves pseudo parkor so I’m gonna look into rock climbing when he gets a bit older too.
I think some personalities just need to feel they have control
Maika and J when the moms only have the kids 50 percent of the time and they put dating first it tells you something
I totally agree with you. I sometimes wonder if she's having a MLC in some ways. She basically 'rediscovered' herself and did everything she wanted to do as she 'missed' out on that in her life. I almost wanted to ask her if she doesn't want custody of the children during our separation agreement process. Like are the kids bumming out her life and what she wants to do? I had no problem taking full custody and I still don't. Her priorities at the very least are out of whack and she's damaging her R with the kids. But that's on her to deal with as kids grow older, it will become even more apparent.
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I do know when me XW first moved out she was all about dating and partying when she didn't have the kids.
My XW definitely did her share of that as well. Now it's all blended family full steam. It's just incredulous to watch it. Like that was the better option than working things out with me when there was that space to recon.
Well i took 3 bites of the steak and saved the rest for breakfast after my workout.
Went out to the Drs ranch last night. The 3 h's were in full effect and we passed out by 8:30. We got up this morning around 8, had some coffee and I made us breakfast. We got back in town a few hours ago and then we went to the gym to get our workouts in. I am home now, relaxing for a few hours before we go out to dinner tonight.
She is super sweet. She bought me my own pillow for her place. She asked me what kind I use at my house so she went onto Amazon and got the same kind. You know you are getting old when you need your pillow for sleep overs
Just a little advice to not get into a rut and keep it fresh because you guys seem to do the same thing every week. Keep her guessing. Plan a surprise get away for a night.
Thanks L....it is a very interesting time for sure. I did buy us tickets to a concert this summer so she was excited about that. In the last days I have seen her 5 of those days and now I won't see her again until Saturday night. I do agree though about changing it up.
I do think things are going to progress over the next couple of months as no kid intros have happened, no I love yous have been shared, we have not met each others friends yet either so to this point it has just been her and I. She is not pushing me and I am not pushing her so it does feel like we are on the same page.
We do talk about our kids, talk about when we meet them, we have discussed if we are nervous to meet each others kids, etc. We have spoken in general about meeting each other friends as well. So those conversations have happened we just have not made an specific plans for it to occur.
I think with my XW she always had me chasing her in the R. That chasing feeling is all I have never known this dynamic of being the one who is being chased is new to me. I know when she took some time to respond to me earlier this week it freaked me out a bit so I know I have feelings for her. It is nice though to have some alone time after spending so many days with her. It will be 4 months of dating in the next couple of days.
My youngest started crying again last night before soccer practice and making up excuses as to why she didn't want to go. I finally just sat her down and had a conversation with her. She ended up telling me she doesn't want to play any more and she is fine with quiting. It was disappointing but I sort of figured that would be the answer. I then drove up to practice and told the coach that she was done. Maybe she will pick it up again maybe she won't. TBH I don't think she likes to sweat and prefers the sports that are indoors. Oh well, it is what it is.
The Dr's birthday is next week, she turns 47. I am going to send flowers to her office (roses this time as it's been 4 months) and I bought her a necklace as well. It was under $100 so it's not too extravagant. She likes to drink wine so as a gag gift I am also getting her a Wine Rack (essentially a wine bra). It has a straw coming out of it so she can drink wine out of it along with using it for support. We will probably go out to dinner as well.
I don't feel any pressure (she is not putting any pressure on me) but I do feel that I am placing pressure on myself. Analyzing and questioning vs just enjoying. Some times I do very well and am in the moment and other times I am not. My best friend told me I need to meditate every day and it has really helped him out a ton. He sent me a couple of links as well on what he listens to. I have confided in him and he just tells me to do what I want to do each day and don't think about anything further in the future. That after 4 months it is perfectly normal to not be sure, and it's ok as I got burned by my XW pretty bad. He just stresses to live in the moment and to not think about anything else. Easier said then done but I am trying.
I remember when I started dating my XW I never thought about marriage when we started dating. Us getting married just sort of happened. Now that I am older, more experienced, etc. I don't find myself thinking that way. My mind immediately shifts to whether or not this person is marriage material because if they are not why waste time. I find myself not evaluating them for just GF or a piece of booty but whether or not they have the potential for something more.
I think that is what causes me to not be in the moment and gets my anxiety up/stresses me out. The Dr. is not a hook up or piece of booty type of girl. While she is not pressing me and may be happy with the status que she is not out to just randomly date with no purpose.
