What should I say if she wants to move back into the house?
"Yes it's fine but I'm not looking to split the time in the house. I would like all of us to be here" But if your uncomfortable with that the boys can stay here and we can work on the schedule for school."
It is easy. You will NOT split time in the house. You live there. If she wants to live there, that is her right. And she can sleep anywhere she wants, but you are keeping the MBR.
Put your foot down. Be a man. Earn her respect back. She will be angry. She will be upset. She will cuss you out. But she WILL respect you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Definitely not moving out and want everyone back in the house.
I just wanted to feel out how to word it non confrontationally
I have been 180 ing. And all has been smooth. I'm waiting around doing nothing but that was in reference to waiting for her to want to work on the MR or giving me papers.
Been re reading DR for reassurance and back up energy and inspiration.
Definitely not moving out and want everyone back in the house.
I just wanted to feel out how to word it non confrontationally
I have been 180 ing. And all has been smooth. I'm waiting around doing nothing but that was in reference to waiting for her to want to work on the MR or giving me papers.
Been re reading DR for reassurance and back up energy and inspiration.
thx
I agree with LH. Short and sweet.
Her: "I want to move back home."
You: "Ok."
Her: "Can we discuss a schedule for who stays at the house and when."
You: "I will not move out."
Her: "WHAT? BLAH BLAH BLAH."
You: Listen and validate. (Read the validation thread.)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Definitely not moving out and want everyone back in the house.
I just wanted to feel out how to word it non confrontationally
Great advice from Steve and LH above. DO NOT fall into the usual LBS trap of being too wordy, don't turn things into a negotiation. Don't tell her you want her to move back. In fact, your attitude should be "that's not what I want but I won't stop you." She needs time and space right now. Moving back is not going to help things even though it may seem like a good idea to you. It's just going to heighten the tension.
Just like Steve and LH said, she says she wants to move back you say "OK" and that's it. No emotions. She says she wants to know what the nesting arrangement is you politely inform her you aren't going anywhere. She rants and raves you listen and validate. Afterwards when she asks again for the nesting arrangement (thinking she has coerced you into agreeing) you remind her you already made your stance clear on that. Be kind but firm. You're the rock, you're not going to be pushed around or bullied into submission.
This is what I got from her a year ago after an arguement and we both cooled off and I suggested we write down what we would like to see change in our marriage.
1 Compassion 2 Love, to feel loved all the time 3 To be an equal, which means equal help with chores and stuff around the house 4.More family time 5 A relaxed atmosphere at home, not tense 6.Compromise and not feel like it your way or no way all the time 7 To be heard 8.Not to be yelled at 9 To feel less like a roommate and more like a wife 10 To feel like you are proud of me 11 To feel that you are in full support of my career and aspirations 12 To not be scared to tell or ask you something ie work late, weekend or go out with the girls 13 To not have to tell /ask you to do something. I'm the boss at work I don't want to be the boss at home and of you too 14 To not be resentful
I have always been proud of her and her job but working late or bringing it home became the norm to be on the computer late into the night. She admits she assumed what my actions or attitude might be with asking or telling me something and never let me know that and never asked me the question.
I'm not a mind reader so a wall was being built wo me knowing it.
The yelling to her was more of my tone when we had disagreements not the volume and I never knew that or made the distinction until recently when I was pretty much whispering with an attitude to not wake the kids,
Her having to ask me or tell me to do something like take the laundry downstairs or do the dishes was to me well your idea of a full basket is different then mine and the same with the dishes. Trust me I did the dishes and took the laundry down a lot without being asked but her idea of full is different then mine and it was never overflowing.
More family time was a weird one. We go on trips, camping, sailing, to the beach or just backyard it all the time.
I could definitely compromise more and she could be more firm for her idea. She is very powerful at work and strong so I know at home people don't want to be in the same roles as work and I as a teacher need some non kid time at the end of the day to just not be asked questions.
After this list we were chill for 2 months w no fights and then over the summer she started to pull away I got the I love you but .......... and I think of you more like a friend.
She has not asked to move back to the house yet bc she is still recovering and I know I should have wrote this list at the start of my being here and reading the book but HOW CAN I 180 MORE wo her being here?
Or am I on the right track and just need to keep being patient?
She is at her parents recovering from the lung infection, the boys are back and forth some nights of the week.
I have pulled way back and given her space and stopped all talks and pressure on the MR, GAL and being the best for me and the boys.
I make half the dinners,split the showering and bathing of the kids, split the week reading books and tucking them in. I take care of all the yard work, make and change the boys beds. I thought we had a pretty good system.
My thinking was that any or all of these could have been brought of in a discussion, email or maybe a note if she was nervous talking to me. But instead it all festered.
I make half the dinners,split the showering and bathing of the kids, split the week reading books and tucking them in. I take care of all the yard work, make and change the boys beds. I thought we had a pretty good system.
= not sexy
Those are great things Jimmy, you are a good husband! But that all falls squarely in the "beta" category. Your goal is to be a mix of alpha and beta. A lot of us lose touch with our alpha side in marriage. We depend on our wives to wash our underwear, feed us, decide where we are going and what time etc. etc. We lose our attractiveness. Get back in touch with your alpha. You've got the beta stuff down, NO ADDITIONAL WORK IS REQUIRED THERE. Too many LBS's double down on beta after BD, but being a good little house-husband won't bring her back. Read the Married Man Sex Life Primer. It's a bit on the crude side at times, but it's the best thing I've read on the difference between alpha and beta behavior.
