I am not judging her just stating the facts. When she is off the clock she is off the clock. When I am off the clock I am still actively involved.
Well, I guess I'm judging her, because I didn't know a parent got to be "off the clock". I find that interesting, But hey, it is your life, so you have to do what works for you, right? But, then again, I'm just particularly grouchy today, so maybe I wouldn't feel so judgy on a different day.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I hear ya......once my youngest D gets out on the field and starts practicing she is fine it's just the initial acceptance of having to practice is where she throws a fit. I have witnessed it myself so I know she does it so I do understand where my XW is coming from. Ideally our D would be excited about going to practice, looking forward to it just as my oldest D does when has her practices. She never complains about having to go.
My XW will attend their school events when it is not her week, does attend their soccer games as well for the most part but I would say in general puts herself first. A few weeks ago she missed my oldest daughters game because she was going to brunch with her friends. I would have skipped brunch or told them I would show up late if I had to make a choice between my daughters or friends. But, as we are told, I can't expect her to have the same values as me. She will text them at night or face time as well to say good night, etc. So I would say not completely off the clock but I don't think she goes out of her to see them unless their is a scheduled activity.
Well, color me selfish. I have missed my daughter’s football games for cheer leading for personal reasons. If it wasn’t my weekend and I had plans, I didn’t attend. If it wasn’t my ex’s weekend and he had plans, he didn’t attend. My child only cares as long as someone is there. And sometimes that someone is her beat friends parents. And I do the same for her best friends parents when they have a personal engagement . I watched my daughters first tennis practice and not the second and she didn’t care. She was hanging out with her friends.
For me it just depends on the reasons. I personally have only missed 1 Saturday of games since they started playing two years ago. That was when I was out of town visiting friends. When I was growing up and playing sports my mom never missed one of my games, she attended every single one. I still remember that to this day.
As I said in my original post I have learned to not put my beliefs, feelings, etc. on others because what may work for one doesn't not work for someone else.
My mom never went to any of my track meets (they were long and boring) . My dad went to every one that he wasn’t at work for. Even the cross country ones that were even more boring. He even knew the times of a lot of my team mates. I look back and really love my dad for that. It doesn’t go unnoticed or unappreciated.
Hey, I grew up with a mom who took zero interest in anything I did and whenever I started a new activity, she talked me out of going because she didn’t want to bring me. She only worked on and off and part time, so she was tasked to bring me.
I think it’s a great you go to all the games. And I don’t think you making everyone of them vs. your ex missing one once in a blue moon makes either of you more involved or better. We both go to plenty of my daughters games, but yeah, since we got every other weekend to ourselves, sometimes we put our plans firstvwoth our friends. Both me and my ex. Not all the time, but sometimes.
Your ex doesn’t sound like she always puts herself first or is completely off the clock. She sounds like a loving involved mother who is present even when her kids are with you. She attends the kids activities on on her night, she has chosen a brunch before ( which when you have every other weekend to yourself, it might be a rare time all the ladies could get to get her) me and my friends are crazy busy full tome workers with kid responsibilities. When our schedules align it’s like a once a year red moon or something . I’ll miss one of my kids games for that. In that instance I put myself first, because if I don’t take care of me, I’m not the best mom I can be.
I’m going to venture too that because you are super into sports , it’s a little different for you too. You love that stuff.
I’m reading a book right now about the unrealistic expectations placed on women and mothers and the shaming and how because one woman does one thing and the other doesn’t it society makes them feel like the lesser mom or parent. Just because we make certain choices that involve self care, doesn’t decrease our value as parents.
It sounds like your children will be very happy dad made it to their games. And I don’t think your children will be affected by the few times mom might have chosen brunch in stead.
I’ll also venture to guess that if you talked to your ex about seeing how you can make the activities more tolerable for the kids, she would help out.
Consider the after school sitter . Being in their own environment will probably be better on them and even cheaper
I was a band geek all through school and my mom went to most of my stuff while my dad rarely did. My dad was (is) a farmer and he worked weird long hours so he had little down time that he wasn't working so going to a band concert wasn't high on the list, even if it was his kid. Neither of my parents attended football games where our band marched, but my mom did come to all the concerts. I was also very active in 4-H and both of my parents were active in those activities, serving as volunteer leaders. I don't have bad memories of my dad not showing up, I just know he didn't because he had work to do and I understood because that was our life.
I said I was judging J's XW the other day and while I was grouchy when I said it, I still stand by it. To your point, G, I think there is a HUGE difference in self care and missing the occasional activity to do something with friends whose schedules only align once in a blue moon and a parent who is "off the clock" when they don't have the kids and the way I interpreted what J wrote was his wife was "off the clock" completely when the girls are in his care. Absolutely, single parents, married parents, ALL parents should practice self care and if they miss a kid activity because of it on occasion, oh well. You can't be an effective parent without that self care, in my opinion. Far too many parents (mothers and fathers both, though it seems to be more heavily directed at moms usually) feel like they have to be all in all the time and that just isn't sustainable. However, in my opinion, if you are a single parent and you just completely shut off when the kids are with the other parent, that seems odd to me. I think I'm likely particularly sensitive to that issue, though, because when XH and I were first married, on the weekends that his girls stayed at our house instead of their mother's, their mother would literally shut her phone off or send their phone calls straight to voicemail so that she could have uninterrupted time with her boyfriend. The girls were teenagers at the time so they really didn't need anything from her, but they occasionally just wanted to chat with her and she would ignore them for 3 or 4 days at a time, saying they could get whatever they needed from me and XH. It was very cold and hurtful to the girls. I'm sure it is different when the kids are younger and actually need care from the parent, but that is why I feel strongly about the whole being totally off the clock thing.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
My exW doesn't attend a lot of the kids stuff so that she can spend time with her bf. Kids have noticed. I make it out to everything and there is a rare occasion when I am unable to. Even if I was dating, attending kids stuff would be my priority. There is nothing in my schedule that can't be worked around. I do understand the importance of self-care and everyone should be engaging in that. But none of my self-care stuff conflicts with the kids stuff for now. I understand on occasion that someone might have a conflict, but not on a regular basis.
I am never off the clock. My R with the kids is much stronger because I show up all the time in their lives, not just events and school field trips. My emotional health is far better than exW and it is really evident when kids run into issues with her and how she handles it. I do it very differently and that's why we're so tight. Kids call me from school if there is an issue. Teachers and the Principal know me and I am a regular presence at the school for stuff. All this matters to the kids. It also matters to me because I want to be involved and know what's happening in their lives. School is everything for them right now.
I also don't understand how her bf doesn't reflect on what she is prioritizing. Especially cuz he's a parent too. But maybe they both are doing the same, I dunno. Not my cheesecake to slice.
Well we already paid for after school care for next year which is roughly $2800 total for both kids. We do get a discount since my XW is a teacher. The year after my oldest will be in 6th grade and I only live about 1 mile from her middle school so maybe then we will feel comfortable having her walk home from school. IDK.
Intentional or not there have been times where my oldest has tried to call, text, facetime, etc. and my XW has not picked up the phone or returned the call in 5 to 10 minutes. Maybe distracted is a better term but it is frustrating to me when my daughter can't reach her mom. We have a close family friend tell me that if she needs something I am the first person she calls out of the two because she knows I will always answer or respond.
My XW is a good mom don't get me wrong. Her and I just have different philosophies/thoughts on playing sports. I am very competitive, want them to excel and hopefully have a chance to play in high school. My XW on the other hand has no problem with them playing, but sees it as just another activity for them to be active. We just have different philosophies on it. She really didn't care before, she let that be my domain with the girls but now that we are Divorced she is starting to express her opinion about it since some of the burden now falls on her shoulders.
I saw the Dr. on Tuesday night for a couple of hours for one of our weekly hook up sessions after her son goes to bed. Her drug reps took her out to dinner last night at a high end steak house and since she doesn't eat steak she got a to go bag for me. Needless to say she texted me when she was on her way home, asked me if she could come over 15 minutes as she had to get home to because she had a sitter. I mean what a Girlfriend. She comes for a 15 minute quickie plus she brings me steak!!!! I feel like a king.
We are going out to her ranch tonight to hang out and then back home tomorrow. Not sure what we will do tomorrow night but we may just stay in and chill. Next week will be 4 months and the 3 H's are still in effect. She made a comment that one of her friends wants to meet me and so far neither one of us have met anyone else in our lives. It's just been her and I hanging out, hooking up, and having fun.
