My 5th teenager.

[exquisitetobe]

My 16 year old is experimenting with drugs.

Yesterday, while setting boundaries, she yell : " i just want to commit suicide because you make me feel like sh*t".
I immediatly responded: " how? By caring about you? By making sure you keep your grades up? By giving you a job? , by giving braces so you feel good about yourself?"

" i do not put the booze in your hand nor the drugs. You distanced yourself from all of us. You want us to look bad so you are justified for the crap you do but WE ARE NOT BAD PEOPLE. WE ARE YOUR FAMILY. WE LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU. WE WANT NOTHING BUT THE BEST FOR YOU."

She locked herself in her room and i was numb from anxiety all night. D18, S20 and his gf were home last night.i am thankful for that.

This has brought back bomb day. It hurts like h@ll and i do not know how to handle this.
I tried when S20 was experimenting and this is when he moved in with his dad. He returned shortly after. I don' t want the same outcome.

Can anyone share their experience with me please?

[kml]

Don't ignore a threat of suicide. She needs to speak with a therapist. She may need treatment for depression.

What kind of experimenting is she doing? Are we talking smoking some pot, or taking opioids or meth? While I wouldn't be thrilled about my 16 year old smoking some pot I wouldn't consider it quite as serious as alcohol. Hard drugs or really excessive alcohol are completely different matters.

I'd also say, difficult as it is, try listening to her. Don't get defensive :

I immediately responded: " how? By caring about you? By making sure you keep your grades up? By giving you a job? , by giving braces so you feel good about yourself?"

But ask her honestly "how is it you think I am making you feel like [censored]?"

It may just be that she's depressed, like a MLCer, and looking for someone to blame. But it might also be true that she feels like she can't live up to your expectations, or feels like she doesn't get enough of your attention, or it may be something else you hadn't even thought of. Try asking her that question and just quietly sitting with her answer.

[exquisitetobe]

It' s weed.
I feel it need to be taken seriously before it escalate to other things
Her bf' s cousin is apparently a big drug dealer in town. ( i was told by D18 ).

[AndrewP]

exquisitetobe - I never went through the "I hate everything" situation with either of my kids so don't have much to offer. I think that you are right to be concerned. Even though others will disagree, I do personally think that pot and alcohol can be gateways to other, more harmful behaviours.

I personally think that youth in more isolated areas like where you live are more at risk than those who have more access to a wider range of experiences.

Does she have - other than the obvious Mom - other positive influences and activities in her life? 16 is a tough tough age. ((exquisitetobe))

[exquisitetobe]

She works 2 evening on 5 and 2 week-ends out of 3.
She is a good employee. Her grades are average and above.
Her bedroom is shameful and her friends are all drama of who has it worst.
She has a group of friends who constantly fight with one another.
She has been dating a high school drop-out for a year now. Through that year, he has not done anything to show maturity. He used to spend ALL of his time at my house. Not contributing to anything. Living off of me.Bumming cigarettes etc. My other 3 children do not like him at all and quite frankly, neitter do i.

D16 has a curfew of 10h30 pm. She obeys by this rule yet she finds the time to drink and smoke up. It is not an everyday thing but often enough for me to stand up and set boundaries before the school year end.

In regard of her bf. I have been thinking lately that if this guy means sooo much to her and we keep reprimanding him, we will loose her to him therefor, i got him a part-time job at the store last wefk.
To thank me and to celebrate, they drank and smoked up after his first day. Do i regret my decision? I thonk i made a huge mistake and now i lean towards making my move this summer.

I discussed it with my SIL and she thinks i am only fleaing and D16 would find the same kind of friends. She is in the age of experiment. I need to stay firm, alert and patience.

D16 said she knows and understand the why and tells me she will behave everytime she leaves the house. But she does not.

D18 told ex-h about the situation we have. He said if i want, he is willing to go see bf' s parents and tell them " HOW IT WILL BE ". He mentioned telling D16 she will be moving in with him if she does not smarten up. He knows she will not want that. He said he could send opp at their doors..

All of this is intimidation and use of power. D16 might turn against us all..

I will keep my eyes on her. A month and a half before school ends. I might ask D22 if she would be willing to take her in for a week. Until then, D18 is here. (She has alot of the inside scoop through mutual friends on what is going on). Most of it is friends and bf related.

[DnJ]

Hello E

That exchange with D16 sounded stressful. Teenager do get darn disrespectful at times as they rebel against their authority figures. As much as that hurts, it is a good and healthy release for them. It is how they grow. We just need to keep them more or less out of harms way and trust they have good instincts.

You said D16 is experimenting with drugs (weed from a follow up post). So not using habitually or heavily - just experimenting. Pretty standard stuff this day in age, unfortunately.

D16’s comment about suicide and you making her feel like sh*t, came during a “setting boundaries” talk. A boundary discussion is not expected to, and isn’t going to, go over well with a teenage daughter (or son for that matter). Her blowing up at you sounds normal. Well more or less. I am guessing a bit on the boundary talk. Boundaries are usually more serious, so talks about that might get some emotions stirred up, and things yelled in the heat of the moment.

E, don’t sweat the small stuff. Let me explain and share a little story.

My son came home one weekend and shared with me how he had experimented with weed. I was immediately p!ssed at that. Seriously, after all I’ve done you go and do something stupid like that. That was my first feeling towards what he brought up.

However, I held my emotions in check, and kept my mouth shut. I knew I would get emotional highjacked otherwise and that would not be good. I got in my “intellectual car” and kept the emotions out of this conversation.

Holding back my irrational feelings took around 10 minutes - and they do fleet away - if you let them.

Looking and discussing this topic in a rational and reasoned (intellectual car) manner yielded pretty cool results.

I let him tell me all he wanted. I actively listened, participated in the conversation, and asked many questions. It was a very good talk. Realize - he trusted me enough to talk to me about it. To share what he had done. That is a pretty big deal!

Your D16 just did the same thing. Her yelling at you, she is sharing very big feelings and emotions from inside herself. Listen to her. Actively.

I questioned son about where he got the weed. He bought it off some guy on the street. (Yikes!) I offered a suggestion of buying weed from an authorized and official dispensary. You know what your getting, and you are not in the company of a criminal drug pusher who may be rather desperate. You see weed has been decriminalized here in Canada, for personal use. There are many limitations and restrictions on usage and amounts. The selling and buying is supposed to be from a proper store.

Now, that was pure intellectual car right there. An emotional car response would have been much different, and ended with much different results.

As difficult as this is: Your D16, my D16, S18, S20, and S22 are going to do what they are going to do. I believe you are like me and would rather they do it safely and in the open - not some dark alley. Don’t force them into hiding.

I do not particularly like drug use. However, I will submit that my prejudice is from 50 years of it being illegal. So, I can, and I do, see that proper usage is akin to drinking. Now over use and overdose is much easier to fall victim too than with alcohol - one tends to throw up rather quickly if over doing it. Well at least the beginners, and that is a big difference in drugs vs booze. Something to discuss with teenage daughter and sons.

My son share his entire experience with me. All the crazy high he had. It was very funny and very harmless. Apparently at one point he could actually see sounds, each producing a different colour. Me listening, not jumping him, not judging, being supportive and paying attention alleviated some of my misunderstood fears and brought son and I closer together. Besides it already happened, not much to be gained in me freaking out now.

He openly needed to share this. He said is was crazy. The experience was wild. I agreed telling him it sounded pretty wild. He asked me, and I told him about my drug experiences as well.

This defused his forbidden fruit desire towards this. Not that forbidden was the primary motive with this. When asked, he told me he was just curious what weed was like, and he wanted to try it.

Now, D16 is well 16. Not an adult. Her and I have had discussions as well about drinking and drugs. The main point being, be safe and call for a ride. Do not drive home, I absolutely promised her (all the kids when they turned 16) I would not ever be mad about them calling for a ride - no matter the reason or time. I’ve always kept my word, and we would talk about it the next day.

D16, your’s and mine, in less than two short years will be adults. They are already becoming young women, and growing up, probably faster than either of us wants, or at times, realizes.

E, don’t sweat the small stuff.

There is much worst out there than a little unwanted weed experimenting. Let your feelings flit away a little. Look at this with just intellect, sans emotion.

D16 knows you care, it’s the reason she is venting at you. Have open honest discussions, those difficult conversations, most feelings and fears will just go up in smoke.

My son and I talked, laughed, shared, for an hour or so. He was very comfortable, and I asked a lot of questions. He answered them, never realizing just how different thing could have went if I just blew up at the start. He heard my questions and concerns. At the end of all this, son told me he doesn’t see himself smoking weed too often. It was interesting, just not his thing. He’s sticking with rum.

I understand how painful the hurting is - “like h@ll” is very apt. I can see the anxiety, concern, and fear from the past events regarding S20 and his moving in with Dad. Do not let the fear rule you or this situation. Look at things rationally, intellectually. Uncouple that emotional response from the possible future event. It is difficult, and completely within your power to accomplish.

E, I truly hope this helps.

(((exquisitetobe)))

DnJ

[DnJ]

I did not see the latest post, I was typing when it was posted.

Thank you for filling in the boundary topics.

And yes, 16 year old daughters and their drama-filled friends, and messy rooms. Stressful.

I do agree going against the high school drop-out boyfriend will probably push her towards him.

Aside from boundaries, which teens will bounce off and get angry towards, you have the path of inspire, lead by example, and reason. Daunting when attempting to connect with an emotional teenager’s mind and heart. She does hear you - I hope you know that. I hope you believe that.

D16 is growing up. Be her role model. She is watching, even though she doesn’t show it, or acknowledges it, she is absorbing it.

DnJ

[Gerda]

My son has been talking about his longing to use drugs since last year, when he was just past twelve. This is what I have experienced and learned -

I have made many mistakes and gotten into screaming matches, tried punishment, tried taking things away, etc. None of that works when you have a kid who doesn't care what you think anymore. All you can do is love them.

My S is terrible to me during the day, rages, skips school, even shoplifted, etc., last year. At night he often lets his guard down and comes to me to talk.

But I work with troubled teens and know the beginning, middle, end of that road when teens stop trusting parents. I experienced my own mom's MLC as a teen. I have spent twenty years reading the journals and other personal writing of teens, so I am always able to remember how alone they feel, how misunderstood, how much they are longing to figure out who they are and to be accepted for it.

My S's best friend from last year went down the dark road when his mom went on the offense -- screaming, locking out, police, trying to reason with him. He was dealing, staying out all night, older girlfriends, etc. He was 12/13 years old. Ended up in rehab.

And then I know how I feel when there is another school shooting and I remember that my son is alive and well and I just feel so grateful to have him, however he is now and with all my sorrow and hope for him.

So I try to give my energy to whatever he did that was positive, show my sorrow at his poor choices, but always be there, always forgive him, always be ready to drop all disagreements the moment he was ready to talk. This means that sometimes when he asks to go on a walk at 1 in the morning and I am too tired and grouchy, I have to drop all my own thoughts and exhaustion and get up and go so that I can listen to whatever is on his mind.

I did once stage a police station visit after he shoplifted. I had the officers call him and pretend that he had to come in to speak with them or they might come to the house to take him in. But it was all from them, in his mind, the consequences of the world and not me.

I downloaded a lot of pamphlets from Drug Free America, they are cool looking enough that he was willing to read them. He had so many questions for me about what each drug did, etc., it was very hard to not get upset but I just tried to explain everything I could or show him the pamphlets, without judgement. I did always make it clear that I thought drugs were awful and dangerous and a waste of life but I just try to keep the lines of trust open so he will keep going to me.

I also befriended this homeless drug addict about five years ago, and whenever I see him, I ask him for advice about my S. Or if I am with my S when we see him, we stop and talk for a minute. This guy told me to remember that all I can give my S is love, because he is going to do what he is going to do, and my anger will only drive him toward that path more.

Sorry this is so long. I just felt really sad for both you and your D when you wrote about what you said to her. I have tried that route with students and my own kid many times. It doesn't work. Just listen to her. Just keep listening. Just tell her you love her. Tell her you hate drugs but tell her you love her and you trust her to find her path in her life. No kid will come to us out of obligation to family. They will only come to us because we are a refuge in the storm. It's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do but your love for her is so strong, you will be able to do it!

[exquisitetobe]

Thank you so much to all of you!
I have read and re-read what you wrote. I have research approach of the subject on line. I went back to when i was her age and how i saw the world and how i behaved. My mother kept a close eye on me but trusted in me to make smart decision. I did drink. I did experimente a few drugs. It was short lived because i knew i did not want that lifestyle as an adult. By the age of 17, i was moving out and beginning to create the life i wanted. The mature life. My mother supported me through it. She encouraged the positives and showed concerns with negatives but it was up to me to decide how it would be. I was mean to her a few times. Something i soon regretted as i understood why she did or said things.

Today, D16 made me proud and i sure told her.
An incident happened in town while i went to pick her up on my lunch hour.
A house was on fire across the street from the school. 2 kids came out of the alley. One of them was screeming arrogantly" they' re gonna f***ken blame it on me. Watch.. they' ll try to pin it on me. I don' t go to school here, i only smoke lots and lots of weeds. That' s why they' ll f***cken blame me".
Of course, all the yelling was for the group of kids who were outside by the school. When i spotted who was screeming like this, i saw D16' s boyfriend with the kid who was yelling.( juvenille who is very well known by the cops and who my kids were forbidden to associate it.)

As D16 came out of the school, she saw her bf and who he was with. Her immediate reaction was to call bf' s mom to go and get him. D16 was surprised and upset.

His mom went to pick him up and she was MAD.

D16 went to her dentist appointm. Then straight to school. After school, we had to go to Timmins to load up S20' s stuff.

D16 was helpful, happy to be around her brother and sister and even asked to do some shopping. Usually, she wants to rush so she can be with bf.

She handled it the right way in my opinion. She stayed away from it. She called the person responsible for him. She showed her desapointment in his choices and she did not try to save him. Instead, she told him :" you are 18. You need to smarten up. You can' t be like this forever.".

Wow.. she hears me. She knows. She will be make it.

She went to meet him at Tim' s a short while ago. She has an hour with him. We' ll see how it went soon.

There is no word on what caused the fire yet. That kid is always portraying the bad a**, no one messes with me kind of kid. He does get into trouble often. Court and house arrest are things he knows well. If he had something to do with this fire, he would have bragged about a pay back. I do not see him responsable for it.

Anyway. D16 made me proud. She showed maturity. She did not want to get tangled in this mess and she handled her bf the right way.

[exquisitetobe]

It took me a while to write the previous post, D16 just walked in..lol

She gave him the maturity speech. Lol
He felt bad when he saw us out there. He knew we would be upset.
Next, he will have to face me. Should be interesting..
To follow....