That key thing is really weird. Really weird. Like - he certainly can keep his memory clear and wits about him with keys when it suits him, can't he? How do you plan to handle asking for it back?
I know what you mean about him being a good dad. I've just posted in my thread about H's parenting right now. I think at the moment he is probably doing his best and his best just isn't that great, objectively. It has made it easier to detach from him. I really don't want him living here when he's just this seeping ball of self pity and misery and blame in the corner. It would be harder if he was jolly and together and sorted and just not here.
D12 was ill with migraines again most of the week so have had to stay home quite a lot. H thinks she might need to see a doctor again in case it's something serious. I couldn't get her in to see a doctor (the UK medical system is both wonderful once you've been diagnosed, but simple things like seeing a GP requires a lot of loops to be jumped) so we tried the prescription pain killers they gave us (they only give you six and it's squirted up her nose) - but she said it didn't help. She also had her first IC appointment on Thursday which was probably making her anxious. At the same time I have seen glimpses of my old daughter back - the one who laughed and smiled a lot. I think that's to do with spending more time together, my being more mindful of being patient with her and also that her dad and I are getting along.
Her IC appointment went OK I think. This one was with the actual therapist who she will see for the next ten weeks. The last one was just the assessment. The therapist was nice. Mid 30's and female - the last one was a male in his 50's - so my daughter will probably feel more comfortable opening up with her. I stayed with them for the first 30 minutes and the therapist just asked her questions about her life. After 30 minutes she asked me to wait in the waiting room and they sat and talked alone. I did not ask how it was, but D12 came out relatively relaxed. I really hope this allows her to open up about her feelings. It's been over a year of bottling it up.
H asked me last night why I had said no to his mum taking D12 to the book signing. I explained that it was on the same evening as the counselling, and I preferred D12 to be home after - in case she was upset or stressed. I had explained all this to his mum, but obviously she only told him that I had said no without giving him the reasons as to why.
I know it does not matter and there is nothing I can do, but it annoys me his family automatically assume the worst of people.
I had a gardener in yesterday to start work on the back garden. It has been an eyesore for a while. Over the years, we have worked on renovating pretty much all of this house, and the garden was the final piece. H would maintain it - mow the lawn, cut back the trees, but neither of us are gardeners and it was never a huge priority. H still maintains it, but only when he feels like it, so the grass hasn't been mowed for three weeks and the trees haven't really been done since last year. It was good to just tell someone what I wanted done and have him do it. A part of me was "H should be paying for half of this" but decided that I live here and deserve to have a garden I want to sit in. When H came over the drop off the girls this morning his first question was "who cut the lawn?".
I have not asked him for the backdoor key back and he has not offered. He has also not asked me when I will be getting him a key cut (I still haven't done it). I will have to do it today as he is looking after the girls a fair bit this week and will need to come back to the house to get bits and bobs for them. He did say he is also going to do some work in the garden.
Anyway, we continue on this strange journey. He has been away for four days and then had the girls the last two days - he dropped them off this morning - and now he is going to London to watch the football. I am taking the girls into town to buy a present for one of their friends and then going to do some planting with D9, if the weather holds.
I am content. But I think this goes to show that we can get accustomed to anything, even limbo. And that's a little bit scary.
I hope D12 connects with her IC. It sounds like the first meeting could be called a success. I'm glad.
You don't update about D9 quite as much - I assume because she is not suffering the same anxiety as her sister. How is she doing?
I agree with you on your thoughts to not ask H for half the cost of the lawncare. You are having it done so you can enjoy it while you live there - so you choose to pay for it. That makes sense, and has the added benefit of being a "no-pressure" decision. Asking him for money would be tying him to the house when he clearly doesn't *really* wish to be right now unless on his own terms.
With your amicable/friendly co-parenting right now I think H is responding well to your independence. Keep this up! You've got it covered as a competent woman and mother.
I wonder about your last sentence of living in limbo. Do you still feel limbo? Or have you released enough of your H that you feel more that this is just your new normal, and that you can now handle uncertainty and change with courage?
I feel limbo is a stage when we are still hanging on to the outcome too much. Once we release our hold on the outcome and accept that "what will be will be" I feel it's less "limbo" and more just living life with all of its twists and turns.
That seems to me to be more where you are at. Accepting the changes as they come with grace.
I wonder if we're always, always in limbo - we just fool ourselves. Even in a stable happy marriage, someone could get sick, or have a secret life, or leave out of the blue. Someone could drop dead. We could fall out of love or win the lottery or... well, anything. Life is unpredictable. Everything changes. Very little is in our control. I wonder if we're always, always in limbo and a steady marriage makes us forget that. I think if I end up R with H I wouldn't want to take our R for granted again, and I'd always want to assume he could leave at any time and was choosing to stay with me because he wanted to and it was best for him, and I'd want to do my part to make sure the conditions of our marriage and home life were best for him.
I'm not sure I am expressing myself very well here. I just mean - maybe hoping for solidity is part of the problem, and the solidity of where we were before BD was an unhealthy thing, rather than something to go back to.
Alison - I agree that limbo is always there in a R to some extent. But there’s a difference between accepting R’s can fall apart at any time and being insecure about R’s. I took my W for granted, yes. I also feel like she took me for granted. It happens. I wanted solidity. When I got insecure is when things fell apart. It was self fulfilling. Or maybe it was me being complacent for awhile, then expressing my R needs, which set us off down this path. Maybe I am slowly waking up to the fact that this M simply cannot exist as is, and unless both me and my W commit to change, we are better off separate. I was unhappy with the M, and now I’m miserable because I realize it is ending. And yet... I still wait for table scraps, for those little moments of connection, as fleeting as they are. And I KNOW without a doubt it is over yet I still fall for it, every time.
You can’t control other people. They can walk at any time. I’m here because I believe DB will teach me how to handle these unforeseen life events with equanimity and perspective. I want to be happy. I believe this will help me in all relationships.
I can tell you and I both struggle. We see those little signs from our spouse and hope it means something. But it really doesn’t. We need to look inward for happiness.
Also - if you get back together, your H should also treat YOU as if you could leave at anytime. Command respect. R’s go both ways. (Do as I say not as I do, still a beginner here!)
Hey FS. Not much to add here but wanted you to know I am still following along and hoping things work out in the end for you and your family. So glad D12 is seeing a counsellor. It will be good for her to be able to talk to someone whose feelings she can’t hurt. As always, you’re doing great. As long as limbo is okay for you, no point in trying to force anything. You will know when it is time, I think. (((HUGS)))
That's great about D12 counselling. I dunno, I agree with Alison that life is never as stable as we assume it is. Life can turn in a different direction in seconds. We think everything is stable but that's an illusion. That said, I think the defining feature of limbo for almost everyone on here is that the spouse has the power. Whether that's only temporary power or whether that power changes isn't that relevant, we are waiting for our spouses to take some sort of action to move on from limbo. GAL is taking some of that power back, but the spouse still has most of the power because they left/are leaving/are having an A and yet we are waiting for a resolution of some sort. Some days I feel at peace being in limbo and feel acceptance, other days or moments I rage against it and cry and vow to take action. Then back to acceptance.
Dilly, I totally agree with your differentiation of limbo. It absolutely comes down to the waiting aspect. As much as I try to get my power back by GAL/setting boundaries/ detaching (and those things do give us a bit of our power back, I believe) you are right; we are waiting for our spouse to take action, one way or another. Obviously that’s where the patience comes in, but god it gets so hard after a lot of time has passed. I too go through stages of acceptance and patience, and then resentment about it and decide to take action. But then I can’t bring myself to do invest the time/effort/emotional energy/money to initiate a divorce I don’t want. A big part of me feels like if he truly wants that, he will have to stop being passive and be the one to make it happen. And then part of me thinks, clearly he doesn’t completely want that otherwise he’d be doing it...and the internal battle goes on and the waiting in limbo continues. I do feel like no matter how much we can detach, the nature of this is waiting for our spouse. when I get a crumb of hope, I feel like I could wait as long as it takes. When I’m discouraged I question everything I’m doing. It’s tiring.
