Holy cow! It's Tad...

[Ginger1]

I held off for 3 years not meeting OW. Which wasn’t easy, because my daughter was a baby. I finally had to because my ex had surgery and couldn’t even get down the status to get his daughter. I was terrified to meet her because I thought I might go off on her. I played every scenario in my head. My ex couldn’t even be present .

And to my surprise, it was no freaking big deal at all. I had built up the horror so much in my head and none of that played out. She was insignificant to me. She was so whatever.

They did me very wrong too. My ex began cheating on me with her when I was pregnant with our first child, our miracle child, our IVF baby. He left when she was 6 months old. Lied about why until I found them out via a stupid greeting card a week before my first mother’s day. This is really freaking super sh!tty on both of their parts.

My point being is it’s probably going to be pretty anticlimactic and the vision in your head is probably way worse. I vowed from the day on that I met her that I would put everything aside and put my Daughter first. I never wanted to miss anything in her life because I gave power to very insignificant people.

You know I think you should go, because these are great wonderful things in your children’s lives . In YOUR life. And it’s about your son and your soon to be grandchild . The day is not about ex and OW.

My wish for you is that you go. For yourself? Because you will see it is way less than what you work it up to. And I believe you will regret not going.

Don’t give power to people who don’t deserve it

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Diane. I will try to chill for the next day or so. I need to get away and take in some nature the first chance I get. That's my one "sanctuary" that always seems to bring me a little peace.

Ginger, thanks for the input. And....I'm sorry. Cheating is bad, but to cheat when your wife is carrying your child....wow. Again, I'm sorry. That is absolutely terrible.

Tad

[DnJ]

Hello Tad

I am sorry for the stresses you find yourself grappling with.

I feel that by being friendly and civil or whatever, it means that what she did was okay. It is NOT okay. It wasn't okay then and it isn't okay now....all these years later.

Being friendly and civil means you are just being friendly and civil - that and only that. It does not condone anything.

My XW had her big bomb drop at the supper table, in front of my parents and kids. She blew everything apart, announcing her boyfriend, her affair, and throwing her children away. Right in front of them! To their face!

Days later, she told them of her adultery. Directly to them. No filter. Yuck.

Is that okay? Strangely - yes.

This MLC is not anywhere close to what I had envisioned from life. It did not match any hopes for my future family and golden years. This is her path. She absolutely needs to take it, driven to run, a futile attempt to escape her pain; and that makes it okay.

All I mean is accepting it. I don’t like it, nor condone her actions, we are not friends, I don’t like OM, etc... It is just okay for her.

Forgiveness and acceptance are for you.

Your XW, like mine, her path is her’s, her actions, her choices, you cannot control them. Her situation is what it is, no matter if you go or not, no matter if you’re friendly or not, no matter if you forgive or not, and no matter if you accept or not. You cannot change her situation, it’s not about you.

However, your situation can change.

I offer is the path I’ve walked and what I’ve learned.

In the aftermath of indifference I saw my feelings, emotions, and passions lessen greatly. Love, hate, vengeance, anger, hope, despair - all became somewhat numb. They did not die, just asleep.

I found my convictions, my beliefs, the virtues and vices that make me who I am. I encouraged and fed the ones I wanted - hope, love, forgiveness, compassion, understanding, kindness. Those are active. They do not hurt anymore.

I pulled my XW right in to my heart, loved her unconditionally. I can understand her torments, her pain, can even see the “why” she is running and threw everything away. Once you understand something, or someone, you love them; this viewpoint does not allow her to be an adversary to me.

I love her (the old her to be honest). I love her enough to let her go. I love her enough to forgive her. That is incredibly freeing!

Vengeance, anger, despair, hatred - just are not a part of my life. And those ideas and feeling are really difficult to even “force” to the surface. I do have some sympathy towards XW, however it is mostly empathy that is the lens I see her through. Sympathy is pity and sorrow for someone’s suffering. Empathy is understanding. A significant difference.

All this is beyond the next 6 days and the upcoming celebration. I realized, just like you, there are many life events that will happen. How do you want to feel about them? How do you want to think about them? What beliefs do you want about them?

Forgiveness. It doesn’t blame, or seek restitution, or worry about condoning or legitimizing her adultery. It is you loving and understanding her enough, and letting go of your fears and feelings. As odd as it sounds, she really has very little to do with it. Forgiveness is truly for, and about, you.

Acceptance. Settles everything down. One has to have forgiven before one can find peace and acceptance.

Tad, I see a lot of fear surrounding giving credence to her fantasy, the legitimizing her actions. Of course she is looking for that, she has too. Very few people (can probably can even say no one) depict themselves as the villain in their life story. XW is her story’s heroine.

Let go of the fear.

It is okay.

DnJ

[Ginger1]

I want to speak to the feeling of how being civil or friendly is showing her that everything is OKthst was my fear for a while. Then I realized just being a person who doesn’t walk around with hate in her and walking around with forgiveness instead was the way I want to live my life. Iran not my job to show them what they did was wrong or right. That’s up to the universe. I just wanted peace in my heart and in my daughters heart.

I am very very civil with my ex and OW. Not because what they did was OK. Mostly because I was tired of carrying around animosity and mostly because this is what it is and I have to share space in my daughters life with them.

Recently OW’s mother nearly died. Actually she did. She coded during open heart surgery. She came back, but was obviously very ill. I am a nurse and a former ICU nurse. I reached out ro my expertise which they took me up on. I open myself to OW and told her to call me with any question
I can also do this because I am so far detached. But I still know what they did was horribly wrong and immoral. But they have to deal with that. I know the person I am, how I didn’t did serve what I got. I am confident enough in who I am to just live by my code of kindness and forgiveness.

And while I don’t really even care what they think of me at all. I know OW must know any lie about my awfulness that was told must not be true. She is realizing what a douche her current husband is. And my ex knows deep down somewhere he gave up a good woman who is also a wonderful mother to his child. I can hold my head up high knowing all of that.

Your decision is completely fear based. And fear of things that probably aren’t going to happen the way you think they are. And I would hate to see fear stop you from some of the beat moments in your life.

Let the man upstairs teach your ex lessons. Not you. Being civil and not nasty will not make her think everything she did was ok. Trust me.

[tadpole1025]

DnJ and Ginger1,

Thank you.

You may both be right about the fear thing. I will have to spend the next couple of days deciding what to do. I'm sure after the first time, seeing them will get easier and I am going to have to do it eventually....

[DnJ]

Hello Tad

How are you doing?

DnJ

[tadpole1025]

Hey DnJ.

Thanks for asking.

I'm okay. Saw my cardiologist today and he told me to avoid stress but....the event is on Saturday. I AM stressing about it. I'm leaning towards going, but haven't committed to it 100% yet. I'll probably decide last minute. I'll keep you posted.

[Gerda]

Gerda checking in with more ((((Tad))))). I have gotten lots of replies on my threads like the ones you are getting here. Though everyone writes with love and your best interests at heart, these calls for courage and strength always made me feel bad, since I was unable to do what all the people who were writing seemed to be able to do. Then I would not only be heartbroken and beaten down by what was happening in my life, but also about my inability to be the detached, strong, loving, person I wanted to be.

My point is just -- you will get there. When you are ready. If you aren't ready yet, that's okay too. It doesn't mean you will miss every baby shower. Just this one. You won't miss the baby him/herself. Just the day when your son and his wife open gifts for the baby. You'll be at many weekends. But this particular weekend, you find it too stressful to have to encounter the people who hurt you so much.

Or maybe the morning of the shower, you'll suddenly be hit with some superhuman courage and detachment and you'll go.

EITHER WAY IS FINE. You'll get there when you get there. In marriage ministries, we pray for our spouse to have a heart of flesh again. A heart of stone allows the MLCer to do what s/he does. You have a heart of flesh, and that's a good thing, even if right now it's keeping you from the next step on your journey.

Of course we all know how freeing forgiveness is, how freeing unconditional love is, how you don't want those who dismantled your family to then take away future event enjoyment from you. All of this is obvious. But that doesn't mean you can do it here and now, for this first event, just because you know it would be better for you. You'll get there. No pressure to be there this weekend. Forgive yourself for not being ready if you aren't. Try again the next time.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you for the nice words Gerda.

I'm taking it day by day. Some days I feel strong enough to do it and other days I want no part of it.

I'm trying to not get physically sick over it. (Actually had chest pains over it the other night.) I've had heart issues for the past couple of years.

Saturday is the day and I most likely won't even know until Saturday if I'm going or not.

Thanks again for the really nice words.



Tad

[DnJ]

Good Morning Tad

Nice to hear from you, and so quickly. I am concerned because this is stressful for you, and you are understandably stressing and suffering over it.

I know my part in the pushing of you. Personally, I like to think, “the inspiring of you”, instead of pushing, the well-meaning suggestions and all.

To that end, your struggle is with you, in your heart and head. You are already battling, and you are already winning, because you are looking at this with accuracy, and the heading (idea) of forgiveness and acceptance.

You are demonstrating this slow walk to victory, in some days you feel strong enough and other days you want no part of it. Back and forth, setback and gains, an overall movement forward - that is perfect.

The vast majority of being able to be in the same room as our spouse, ex spouse, person that hurt us, happens before that time; healing is not dependent on seeing them or being in the same room. From my experience, 90% (ok I don’t really have an accurate number, it is high though) is just with ourselves and our demons. That is where you are, and I believe you know this. (((Tad)))

You are making progress. Just read back a bit and see how far you’ve come; much difference view and acknowledging of the possibilities than when first posted.

You are doing very well.

DnJ