I am really struggling with this. I know I need to get a life, but I don't really know how to do this. I work long hours, my wife and I still cook together after work, and I tuck the kids into bed at night. All of which I want to do, because damnit, I love my family. But I read here that I need to detach and get a life.
Since having kids, I have always struggled with getting a life. I feel guilty working all day and then not seeing them in the evenings. How did you GAL? What activities are you engaged in?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Number 1: Exercise. Lifting first, then cardio. Or just do Crossfit since its social. This will make you hot. I am stoked to work out every time knowing that if it comes to it I can hit Tinder with a vengeance. I have tons of friends from outdoor fitness stuff like cycling canoeing and hiking. Like I cant see all of them enough. I can completely disappear from my WW for any amount of time. These same friends provide social network for beers and stuff.
Number 2: Family. Obvious here, luckily I can see mine still.
Number 3: Learning. This overlaps with work for me though.
Number 4: Volunteer
Last edited by oops13; 04/30/1912:04 PM.
May: discover PA April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA March: different bedrooms, IC Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
Did your W ask for space? Maybe doing something with the kids while she cooks might give her space.
You didn't give a lot of details about your sitch, none actually. What happened on BD? What did she say? What has she been doing? Does she want separation? D? Both?
GAL is more about staying busy. Working long hours might already fit the majority of that bill for you. But we need more details to help you out.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
1. My wife did not ask for space. Although she has complained at our last MC session that I am needy. That I need too much love from her and the kids. At our first MC session she said that I showed that I didn't love her because I didn't want to talk to her when I first got home from work while she cooked dinner. So, I have been cooking dinner with her most nights since.
2. Here is my back story - In January, I heard the ILYBIANILWY from my wife. I have been distraught and feeling hopeless ever since. I cry almost every day, and I am having trouble thinking about anything other than saving my marriage. I have just bought The Divorce Remedy and I am 58 pages into it. I will read the whole thing over the next day or two.
My wife and I have been married for over 21 years, and we have three children (16), (14) and (6). I have given everything I have to this family and now a facing complete and utter ruin to everything that is important to me. Never in a million years did I ever think I would be facing a divorce. I despise divorce. I adore my wife and my three children.
I think that my wife is both a walkaway wife and experiencing a MLC. Over the last three years she has become obsessive about her relationship with our daughter (16). My wife has had a very bad relationship with her own mother (a narcissist) who always invalidated my wife's feelings. Now my wife is talking as if I am her mother.
3. For GAL - I have been coming home from work, making dinner with my wife, having family dinner, and then I have been exercising. I have lost about 30 pounds since January.
I lost 100lbs, started going out with friends and family. Completely stopped letting WW know what I was up to. Got more involved in my hobbies. Got more involved with my kids. Started traveling more and doing more activities. Started going to dance clubs. Started staying out late and pretty much doing everything that made me happy. Finaly, in my personal sitch I met another woman 13 years my junior and spend time with her. But thats my personal choice because my WWs PA and NPD behavior is a dealbreaker.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
For me personally I am also doing the exercise thing. Being good to my body; physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I try to spend as much time reading things, quiet time (either in prayer, journaling or walks outdoors) as I do working out. Both have amazing effects on sadness, depression, processing.
At the end of the day, you've got you (and your kids). I'm only saying this because I have glimpses of it which I never did before: Your life isn't over no matter what happens going forward. This time you've got is an incredible opportunity to do some self-inventory, pick yourself up and start setting some short term and long term goals for yourself.
Maybe its a promotion, maybe a max weight lifted, maybe a new hobby, but above all confidence that you're going to be ok and you WILL figure it out.
Grieving is going to happen. I am finally getting to the place that I realize my old marriage is over. There were things I did to get it here and my wife did as well. This is a lot to swallow but it's the reality.
Keep breathing, keep thinking of ways to improve yourself - and what MIGHT be a byproduct is your wife will notice, she will remember the confident, fun, positive you that she fell in love with and MIGHT get her feelings back. But there is not a guarantee of that.
Great thing is you have a 100% guarantee of seeing fruit from investing in yourself.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
I started seeing my friends and being open with them, and taking special interest in what was going on in their lives. This was a 180 because the only person I'd let myself be honest and vulnerable with in the past was my H. I needed the support at a difficult time, yes, but I also need more close relationships than my M.
I got a dog!
I started making plans at the weekends to get out with the kids. One activity all together, and some special individual time with each. It needn't cost money. We've had some great adventures and sometimes I had to force myself to do it, but these days I am really enjoying it.
I took on some extra personal projects to do with my hobbies - things I could do in the house when the kids were otherwise occupied or asleep.
1. She may not have come out and ask for space, but ILYBNILWY is the same thing. You are showing some serious codependency issues (IE needy). You need to back way off and give her plenty of space. Women lose attraction for men that do not respect. Being needy is not worthy of respect. You need to turn this on its head and become the type of man that COMMANDS respect. (Notice that is not the same as DEMANDING respect.) You said you've been distraught. Hopeless. Crying every day. You've probably begged, pleaded, reasoned, etc to and with her to get her to change. None of that COMMANDS respect.
2. We all love our wives and family. However, it is UNHEALTHY to look to others for our own happiness. Yes we can enjoy our relationships with our wives and families. We should even derived happiness from them. But this is an imperfect world. People die. They lose their minds. They make choices that do not include us. Did you ever see the movie Reign Over Me? About a man that lost his entire family on 9/11? Traumatic. Terrible. But you have to be able to move forward NO MATTER WHAT.
3. This is not enough. And this is why you are so distraught, crying, hopeless. Who is SH74? What did he enjoy prior to meeting his W and had his children? Can that guy get back to some of that? It sounds like he lost his own identity. He is (SHOULD BE) more than an employee, husband and father. Are you religious at all? How involved in church are you? Who are your close friends? Do you guys spend time together.
I love my W. I love my D. But at least twice a month I go with a buddy to the gun range. I have other friends I spend time with. In the fall I am gone two weekends a month hunting. Guess what, my W does things that don't include me. My D does things that don't include her mother and me. Healthy people make healthy relationships. And healthy people are not too attached to anyone else.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Honestly, I think GAL starts with the little things, making my bed every morning, cooking proper meals even though that meal is for one, maintaining a beautiful home environment. These things I do for me because, really, who cares apart from me that I make my bed, or buy myself flowers, or spend half an hour cooking something only I will enjoy. Self disciple teaches self respect.
Also, everything is better after eating a meal you've just made from scratch at a table you've beautifully set for one.
There are the big things too: going to the gym, fostering friendships, going out for social drinks, planning and then going on bucket list holidays. This forced me to face my fears - being alone, being rejected - and then I crushed them.
At first everything will feel forced. Why make a bed when all you really want to do is get back in it, pull the covers over your head and feel sorry for yourself. Why go out when all you want to do is get in bed, pull the covers over your head and feel sorry for yourself. But eventually it pays off. You will find yourself out dancing at 4 am and wonder why you hadn't done it sooner. You will find yourself skiing down a mountain with a bunch of strangers or walking through a bizarre in Morocco on your own and wonder why you didn't do it sooner.
As Steve said think back to before you met your spouse. Who were you. What did you enjoy. Write it down. You are not the same person you were then, but some of the things you had a passion for you will still have a passion for. Also, think hard about who want to be (and that question stands whether you R or not) and work towards turning yourself into that person.
