Holy cow! It's Tad...

[devvo]

Tad

When my XH and I married we were told my XMIL that we must choose who we were going to have at our big day. I understood - after all, they were divorced and she hated him with a passion. In the end though, we decided that we would not be forced into choosing between them. We invited them both, and their significant others, and let them decide for themselves whether or not to come.

They both realised that our wedding was about us, not them, and they both decided to attend. They behaved as civilly as we could've expected. They each developed the knack of looking into middle distance whenever they were in proximity, and the SO's kept a low profile. It worked so well XH's siblings adopted the same policy; one which is still working to this day.

Your son is not asking you to be buddies with your XW - she is. Her wishes are completely irrelevant. You can make it so that you can still attend big family events whilst remaining civil, yet distant, with your XW. Oh, and if it's any help, from XMIL's experience, she told me it got easier every time. You can do this.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone.

All good points.

I just don't know what to do. Very mixed feelings about it all.

Diane, yes my sons are going. But....will going stress them out? Maybe it would be best if I didn't go.

???

No Andrew, you're not off base.

I appreciate all of the input. I just don't know...

Tad

[DnJ]

Good Morning Tad

I’m not sure if you read along with me or not. D16 had a party last night for her drama production crew. It ended at 3:00 am, and I am a victim of habitual awakening, so even with only 3 hours of rest I am - at the moment - up. So, with my limited capacity, and much interest in how a fellow journeyer is traversing his current rough patch, I read and offer my view.

It starts with a question of you. What you be suggesting to me? If it was I with this situation before me.

I just don't know what to do. Very mixed feelings about it all.

Very understandable.

Of course you have mixed feelings - it’s a rather mixed up scenario.

“I just don’t know what to do.” - So very true. You are emotional highjacked for the moment. It is difficult to find a reasoned solution when emotional responses are swirling about mixing you up. Letting thing settle and allowing answers to reveal themselves is advice I am sure you have heard, followed, and dispensed many times.

Feelings are seldom good to follow when it comes to making decisions, or controlling one’s actions and responses.

So, before I lose what little thought I have under the growing pressure of heavy eyelids, let your feeling flit, and follow your reason. I imagine you would tell me that as well.

I am leaning one way more than another; I do believe you should go. The positives and benefits, both immediate and potential, outweighs the negatives - for S24, his family, and most importantly - you. (((Tad)))

I hope I am not overstepping, and I support you and any decision you make. It is just there are times in one’s life where things are counterintuitive, perhaps this is one such time.

Most of us LBS will face similar “in your face” moments on our way to letting go, forgiving, and accepting. Difficult for sure.

I honestly see a better result for Tad, if you attend, rather than not.

DnJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks DnJ. You are NOT overstepping at all. I appreciate the input.

As for your question...I think I would tell you to try to go because you can't avoid it forever and your kid wants you there. However, I would understand if you decided not to.

My sweet grandmother used to tell me all of the time: "The best way is usually the hard way." Boy, was she right. It would be best if I go, but it won't be easy.

I know I will have to eventually face him. I also know that beating the Hell out of him isn't going to solve anything.

I'm not 100% set on my decision yet, but I've only got one week to decide.

May 4th....ug. Feel like I did when the divorce was hanging over my head.

What to do?

[DnJ]

Grandmother. One smart lady!

My Grandma was similarly wise.

[JujuB]

Tad, I would feel the same way you do. OM is not just a new partner of your ex wife. He is a man that helped to break up your family, so why does he get to go to family events? Your ex wife is out of line to request that. And I agree. Buddying up and acting like everything is okey dokey just condones and legitimizes destructive behavior. Your ex wife is super manipulative to put you in this position. I don’t look at these people as suffering and in crises (that’s projecting usually from kind people that don’t think selfishly). Just as selfish is as selfish does sort of people.

That being said, it does suck to miss out on a part of son’s life because of selfish and abusive people. It’s like letting the bullies win.

Any way you can arrive either late or early to the party. Arrange it ahead of time so that They leave as you attend ? Can you arrange it between your ex wife and you, as to not add an additional stress to your son who is planning a party and preparing for a baby?

[Gerda]

Gerda peeking in. I don't know why, I haven't been posting at all but this made me want to post!

I am all about the forgiveness and allowing God to do the work for you.

But it's just a baby SHOWER. It's not the baby! It's not the baby's BIRTH! It's not you playing a beautiful role as the baby's grandfather for all his/her life! It's not even the baby's first birthday party. It's a bunch of gifts and some appetizers and your W is using it to legitimize her adultery.

A shower is a modern construction of secularized ritual to get a bunch of gifts. The baby isn't even there, and even the modern version of it was always just women with women until the really modern version of it that made it co-ed.

What is natural and right is for you to be married to the grandma and to all be a family and have events together. That can't happen (for now), and that's not your choice. There is nothing natural or right about you having to attend an event with the man who stole your wife, and in no other time of history would this have been expected of you. Think of a Russian novel with this scene. Your character would perhaps go -- with a pistol!

I've been saying no to things that are too emotionally hard, even disappointing my 92 year old father and others. I need to be able to keep functioning and not crawl under a rock, so I might not be able to do everything a perfectly strong or saintly person can do, or that I will be able to do one day. We are wounded! It's like asking someone with a gunshot wound and PTSD to go for a fun afternoon at the rifle range with the guy from the other country's army who shot him.

I pray about things I can't do a lot and I ask God to give me what I need to do something if He wants me to do it. If I still can't do it, I tell God I am not ready and to please forgive me. I go to confession about it. I know you don't have those comforts in your life, but you can do the secular version.

My take is, go have a good cry. Talk to the trees. Tell them it hurts too much. Forgive yourself. Spend that afternoon of the shower handwriting a beautiful book of family stories and photos for the baby and go visit your son the next day with the book. Or do something else positive and beautiful during the shower. Tell your S how sorry you are for your weakness and how you will get stronger as the years go by and how much you love him and how you can't wait to be the best grandpa in the world. Which you will be. Because you have a big beautiful heart. (And big beautiful hearts can be hurt, that's their nature.)

(((((Tad)))))))

[exquisitetobe]

Quote:
When my other son (S26) has events with his band, I go and support him and see XW although we don't talk. S26 says that OM doesn't go because he has made it clear that he doesn't want OM there.

This is telling me that S26 probably does not want OM at the baby shower. Maybe you 2 could support one another if you chose to go.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone.

Yes DnJ, my grandmother was very wise. Still think of her every day and miss her wisdom. I can't tell you how many times that I've wished I could talk to her about this MLC mess.

Jujub, I may be wrong, but I believe that my XW keeps forcing the issue because if everyone is civil with everyone, it removes some guilt. She has always been about appearances and I'm sure that she has told everyone that we just decided to divorce...it was amicable. She has always been concerned about being the bad guy and if people know that she cheated, she is....the bad guy.

Gerda, you are absolutely right. XW wants to legitimize her adultery. She also sees my brother being friends with both of his exes and her sister being friends with both of hers. I'm sure it baffles her why we are not friends. We were married longer than any of them. I think that she thinks if I meet him, accept him and am civil with both of them, it takes some burden off of her. It makes it easier for people to believe the lie. I feel that by being friendly and civil or whatever, it means that what she did was okay. It is NOT okay. It wasn't okay then and it isn't okay now....all these years later.

There is nothing natural or right about you having to attend an event with the man who stole your wife,

THANK YOU!

Diane, you are right. S26 doesn't have much to do with him at all. He actually agrees with me and gets why I have a problem with this.

I don't plan on going, but I've gone back and forth many times in the last 24 hours. I have a feeling it'll be a last-minute decision.

My chest hurts.

[exquisitetobe]

Take care Darrin.
No need to make ourselves sick over this.
Get some rest and let things slide.
Sometimes the answers come in unexpected situation and make us wonder with a smile.