Holy cow! It's Tad...

[DnJ]

Good Morning Tad

Have a heart to heart talk with S24. Let him know how, and why, you feel what you do. I believe you have a good relationship with your kids by the sounds of it, so not too big a stretch to share your hurt with them. They are adults and can, and will, understand.

This is obviously a very big deal to you. Therefore, it is a big deal. You are correct you do not need the stress. Ensure those that are most important to you know your reasoning. They will understand. You can always see them another day.

What do you think and feel about S24 inviting OM?

You’ve said it yourself; he is part of their lives, weddings, births, etc... - just not now. So when?

I’m not rushing you. I do see that you know (rational intellect) what has too happen someday, your feelings (irrational emotions) are on another page at the moment. Your beliefs (convictions, faith, soul), not sure yet?

A caution. This line in the sand is putting S24 in the middle - I know they are and have always been in the middle. You are the sane parent, even with adult children; and there’s always an adult in the room - whom is it in the case? Keep leading.

Ensure S24 doesn’t feel that he is, or has to, choose between you and Mom (and OM), even though he kind of is. I’m sure you don’t want S24 having resentment or guilt about making this choice, so do attempt to alleviate that as best you can.

Eventually, you will get to where you are going. Do you have any particular headings? Compassion, forgiveness? That sort of thing?

Each of us walks our path at our own pace, and in our own direction. Everyone’s journey is what is needed for them. You have an opportunity to take a big step out of your comfort zone and make a huge progress - if you choose to. And choice is really what our journey boils down too.

Tad, you are a smart man. Dig deep and stay intellectual for one day, and get through it; leave the emotions at home.

You know what MLC is. You’ve seen the BS, the confusion, the pain, the heartache, and the destruction in far too many lives. Perhaps your actions, the only thing you can really control, can help inspire “better not bitter” for some people - maybe even for you.

You don’t need to be friends with XW or OM. However bitter doesn’t serve your well, and that is for you - not her.

As I said, this is a big deal for you. Don’t make it bigger than it really is. There is obviously, and with good reason, a lot of emotions tied to this - follow something better than fleeting emotions - if your ready.

DnJ

[kml]

You know, it's ok if you don't want to attend. But be careful not to put it on your son's shoulders. You shouldn't make him feel like he has to choose.

I'm reminded of my ex's family. His mom was the WAS. Her new husband was not the OM, thankfully. The three boys were estranged from her and all married without inviting her. One daughter was dependent upon daddy paying the wedding bills and didn't invite mom even though they were not estranged. When second daughter married she put her foot down and invited both parents; if one or the other didn't come then fine, but she refused to be put in the position of having to choose. (Both came and it was ok).

Just don't put your son in the position of having to choose. Bow out gracefully, let him know it's not his fault but that you're simply not ready to do that and would be too uncomfortable so you're going to skip the event. Offer to take him and DIL out to breakfast to celebrate on another day. Do NOT make him feel like he has to choose.

[job]

Tad,

We all understand how you feel. Have a heart to heart w/your son and explain how you feel. However, make sure that you do not put your son in the middle to choose.

You are the only one that can decide what is best for you and no, no one is going to be upset w/you here on the forum. We know how hard you've worked to get where you are today.

Do what is best for YOU! You can always invite your son and his girlfriend out for a quiet dinner and give them a gift for the baby.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks DnJ, Kml andd Job.

Ug....

I've thought about this. I really don't blame S24 for inviting him if he decides to. I really don't. It's HIS party. He can and will do what he wants

I do see XW from time to time. I'm just not ready seeing her with him.

I will ponder some more.....

I really thought I was doing so well. Thought I was done with all of this garbage...

[exquisitetobe]

I have so many thoughts on this.

I did not go to my D22' s grad. and eventho it made me sad, i do not regret it.
This May coming, it will be Son' s grad. He is allowed to invite 5 peoples. He chose: his 3 sisters, me and his father. Will ex-h bring OW? One thing i know for sure is Son would be very upset if he did. He can' t stand OW and he vocalise it often. If ex-h does, which ticket who's ticket will she take? Mine again?

My feelings toward those situations are parallel to yours.

Ex-h walked out without a care in the world for the situation he put us in. The kids were young and because i took on ALL responsabilities, they do not care if ex-h had OW in his life. They still had everything they needed at home.
The only resentment they have toward him is the lack of time he spend with them so now, they, like him, will give him their time when they feel like it. ( in ex-h' s mind, this is all caused by me; not his choices and actions)

His OW will NEVER be part of my family. Unfortunately, she is link to my kids by the hand of their father regardless if they like her or not. If ex-h was to pass away, i know OW would eventually vanish from my kids life.

Now, a thought from my side... when i dated Kevin way back, i had tell him it might take a long time for my children to let him in and it might be my own fault because from Bomb, i kept telling my children not to get attached to any OW ex-h would get involved with as they would not stay.

I know they accept OW only by respect for their dad. They want nothing to do with her side of the family nor her own kids.

I had a discussion with D18 last summer about my reactions ( knots in stomach, anger, fear and where it might be rooted from as i beleive once i find the roots, i can heal). I mentioned my strong family values and been unable to enter a new relationship. She said: grand-maman re-married.. my instant response was: "my dad had passed away 2 years prior.
Grand-maman would not have entered another relationship even if they would have been separated. ( my mother was VERY religious and she raised us with religious morals and values ).

My wish is that my kids don' t think it is ok to do to others what ex-h has done. I know they know. Just like i knew my father' s alcoholism was no excuse for his actions. He was still my father and ex-h is still their father.

Doing the right thing is not always obvious nor easy.

No matter what you decide to do, comminucation with your children is a must. The situation through your eyes and theirs is different. She is their mother but she is your ex. She is part of their life but she made OM the new you in her life. This is something kids do not think about but understand.. would they want their ex at every family events?
Would they fake happy to see them? Or would they stay away from them?
If you chose to go, your son will understand if you keep your distance from her.. no fake !!

[exquisitetobe]

One more thing..
Your boys are having kids of their own..
It is a matter of time before they ask themselves how their mother could do what she has done.. the more joy they experience within their own family, the glorious you will become as their role-model!

She will always be mom but you will ALWAYS BE DAD, WHO GOT THROUGH ALL THIS CRAP!!
With Regards and MUCH RESPECT,
Diane

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Diane. It is so hard knowing what to do. I do NOT want to go and lose my cool. I doubt that I will, but there is always that possibility. I just can't go and see her with OM. To me, it's like shoving it in my face.

My dad didn't remain friends with my mom after she ran off with another man. XW's mom didn't remain friends with XW's dad after he ran off with another woman. But....I feel like I am expected to. It's not going to happen.

Also, OM has 2 exes. I doubt they go to functions too.

I will talk with S24 some more. If he wants to invite OM, that's fine, I just won't go.

I sometimes think I should disappear and head for the hills...

[exquisitetobe]

We often take OURSELVES for granted.
Your son will love you no matter what. The only advise i can give is don' t ghost him. Talk to him.
If you go, he will be happy and if you don' t , he' ll understand since he' ll know why.

Ps are your other sons going? Maybe having them with you might give you strenght?

[exquisitetobe]

When my mother passed away last summer and i announced to the kids that ex-h wanted to come, their response was ( shocked) hein!!! Why?

He even drove the 6h00 to het D22 and bring her with him. Again, i asked D22 if he was bringing OW. She said No and i think something clik in her.

[AndrewP]

Tad - a number of others have weighed in on this and this is your own decision and not for any of us to make for you but I just wanted to offer you a different perspective.

Nobody is asking you to "like" anyone or even necessarily be social with them. This isn't about you. It's about your S24, his partner and the new wee baby that will be brought in to this world.

It's also about respect. Your son has asked you to be part of this celebration. He's also asked others. Some you may like, some we're certain you don't. That was HIS choice. Not your's. You have choices too. You can attend or not attend. But where I'm going with this, is that my own opinion, as tough as it may be for you, is that respect of your son and his partner and of this new life that is being brought in to this world requires you to decide if their invitation or your pride is the stronger.

I'm going to have to face this myself and am grateful that I haven't had to thus far. Not having faced it myself, its not for me to judge. I'm using your situation to think through my own thoughts about this.

It brings to mind my daughter's wedding. Her husband's parents are divorced, have been for some time and absolutely don't like each other. His father brought his partner to the wedding. When the time came for pictures, Mom, Dad, Son and his bride all stood there and smiled. And then went their separate ways. The partner sat in the back and stayed out of the way. Not all do. It's a thing.

But - I'm just asking you to think to see if you have the strength to be there and look past your own hurt to the happiness that is being offered to you.

If the answer is no, or if you think that I'm way off base, then I certainly am not one to judge.