Is there a room you don't use? Would it be possible to box up all his things - nicely - and put it in there for him? So it is safe and secure but not in your way and not something you have to look at every day?
Not really, no. But I moved the clothes which were most obvious and getting in my way. If he asks about them I'll tell him nicely where they are without explanation.
Dh is coming back home tonight to see ds2 at a school performance. Keeping my expectations low, he has to travel quite a lot for work today to get here on time. He said he would get a bus or taxi from the station but I told him I'd pick him up.
I have been over-emotional lately and not on an even keel. I don't know how much of this was hormones and how much has been holidays and spending a lot of time with dh, but I would like to get back to a more stable place for everyone's sake. Dilly 2.0 is calm and collected. Ommm. I will try a meditation to start my work today, I still have stacks of work to do before I can send it off, then I'm seeing friends and having lunch.
I notice that for me, I am on an even keel so long as I don't see or have much to do with H. That suggests to me that a) I need more space and distance and b) I need to drop my expectations and detach. Do you think some of that might fit for you too? Easier said than done, I know.
I hope everything goes well for you tonight. At least he's still closely involved with the kids, even if it causes him a bit of inconvenience. It isn't enough to build a marriage on, but it is good for them and something positive to focus on.
Yes, and actually him going to the performance is a real 180, he has never until BD taken the slightest interest in their activities, the only time he went to a school play was 10 years ago when ds2 was 4! So that is a definite positive.
I've worked super hard today and also had a lovely run with a friend so I'm feeling very chilled out and like I've accomplished a lot. I think actually my difficult times are when I don't have my usual routine or that much social contact, definitely something to consider. Some of it is dh related but some of it not.
OK so last night was ok, he turned up and said he didn't want to share a bed because he had bad hay fever. I said fine. We had a quick drink at the pub then went to ds2's performance. Dh didn't complain as much as usual. We walked back and dh was trying to make conversation with ds2, it was funny because he kept saying things like 'how is school' and ds2 tells me that that's the only question dh ever asks and it's a rubbish question. I said goodnight and went to bed, had a bad dream where I was angry at dh but slept well other than that. No wine definitely helps!
This morning I got up early, made myself a coffee and did a bit of work and organised some social GAL activities for later on today and tonight, dh came down and I didn't offer him a coffee but did offer him an antihistamine for his hay fever (well, it's only polite plus I was taking one myself, pollen central right now). We drove him to the station and I was Dilly 2.0. I kept thinking what's Dilly 2.0 like? She's warm, she's friendly, she's calm and collected and upbeat. Wow, she has a lot in common with me On the way to the station dh asked what I was up to today, I said I was very busy. He said doing what and I said I had a lot of work to do (true). He got angry and demanded more details of what I was doing and I deflected successfully and then asked him what he was up to at work today and he told me. Then I dropped him off, didn't even think about going in for a hug (that's up to him to offer now, I think, I don't want to hug someone who doesn't want to hug me) and drove home singing along to the radio, thinking that Dilly 2.0 has too much to do to bother with someone who doesn't want her. Dilly 2.0 is in her life right now, living it. Dilly 2.0 isn't small and apologetic and eager to please but confident and has a lot of fun.
Question: how do I deflect these questions dh has about my GAL activities? He just gets angry if I'm vague or he asks who it's with and I prevaricate. I've decided that Dilly 2.0 isn't taking this crap any more.
Incidentally, dh is coming back on Sunday because the kids need taking to activities at the same time. He said he wanted me to book a restaurant for early Sunday evening with all of us. I'm actually thinking I will be making other arrangements instead, after I've taken ds2 out I'm off to GAL with other people and not revealing details. He can shift for himself.
Dh either didn't notice the clothes (possible) or didn't comment. Next thing is I'm doing something with the stuff in the wardrobe. Not moving it out entirely but consolidating it into a smaller space to give more room for my stuff. Dilly 2.0 takes up more space than the old Dilly.
Ah, the probing questions. I use to get these (even though any questions about his activities were always met with a stern look and a huff).
"I am meeting up with friends. What are you up to today?". "I have a work thing on. What are you up to today?" "Nothing much. Just popping out for a drink after work. What are you up to today?". "Going to the gym and then meeting up with an ex colleague. What are you up to today?"
He doesn't ask any more. Just comments to the kids about "mummy shouldn't drink too much". Which is funny, because I don't actually drink every time I am out. I am just out a lot
The DAY he BDed me I went out for a drive and he rang up and asked where I was. I said 'you don't have the right to ask me that any more' and he said 'fair enough'. Seems like that message is still taking a long time to get through, perhaps I need to be clearer in my communication.
I can handle the first question, it's the follow up questions which fox me. I don't want to get defensive or angry or lie or be too evasive. I just don't know how to handle it.
So about Sunday I will say 'I can't make dinner with you and the kids, I have other plans. Enjoy your dinner'
Then he says 'what are you doing?'
What do I say then? If I say 'I'm meeting up with a group of people' he'll ask who. I can then say 'nobody you know' or 'a bunch of people from work' and what do I do then if he keeps pushing?
Oh and actually dh has been pretty open with me since I started asking him about his plans for the week. Which is a 180 because he used to treat his diary like a top secret document available to him and his PA only. So I don't want to expect more honesty from him than I'm willing to give...
On the way to the station dh asked what I was up to today, I said I was very busy. He said doing what and I said I had a lot of work to do (true). He got angry and demanded more details of what I was doing and I deflected successfully and then asked him what he was up to at work today and he told me. Then I dropped him off, didn't even think about going in for a hug (that's up to him to offer now, I think, I don't want to hug someone who doesn't want to hug me) and drove home singing along to the radio, thinking that Dilly 2.0 has too much to do to bother with someone who doesn't want her. Dilly 2.0 is in her life right now, living it. Dilly 2.0 isn't small and apologetic and eager to please but confident and has a lot of fun.