IHCLACS seems our timelines are running in parallel.
I had her movers show up today to figure out how and when to move her. Tomorrow we may sign the papers if we get our lawyers together. When I lie down my memories run back to when we first met. I remember walking into her apartment and the wall clock she had was with a greek soccer team that was also my favorite. I thought this was the sign.
If it makes you feel any better right now the reason I am not collapsing is that I have 2 old greek men (my father and her father) ready to stroke out ( with her shenanigans) and I am playing it cool (like cool hand luke) in front of everyone to control emotions run amok.
But alas I am sitting here applying ointment on a rash that just broke out on my arm.
I am trying to feed the calm wolf and starve the angry one per Mark's great story earlier.
It seems that angry wolf came out anyway and is scratching my arm metaphorically speaking....
Courage amigo . To both of us.
B.D in December 2018 Physical Affairs discovered in April 2019 Divorced May 2019 H (me) 49 W (her) 29
Almost had a numbing anxious nervous breakdown yesterday. I smoked 2 1/2 packs yesterday. Journaling and therapy, I received some self focusing ideas and suggestions from co-workers on self focus which helped. I started out this morning as I do every morning, just trying to think about me, my goals, my focus, and it usually starts out empowering, but then slowly shifts on my rides to work about her, her focus, her improvements, (or attempts at them) my jealousy and insecurity of it, and measuring and comparing against myself. I had to imagine the STOP sign and yell at myself to stop at least 5 times. I realize I have back slidden on my changes from 2 months ago. Im going to start working out, running, or something today before the stress kills me.
This is the part that is making me mentally and emotionally insane, is the constant mind shifting of the focus between me and her because we still live together. I know on one hand to think about her is completely fruitless and doesn't serve me any longer at this point. On the other hand, it serves as a compulsive reminder for clues on what I need to change for ME. Its a constant internal struggle with me between letting her go, practically saying "the hell with her" at times to put the focus back on me, and other times, I just want to be the best version of me, regardless of what she thinks. One side of me wants to just GTF away from her. Not because of anything she is specifically doing, other than wanting to seperate and divide, but because I just want a fresh start, without having to go through all the pain of moving, negotiating, figuring things out, fully accepting it as my new reality....Living in a now distant, silent household, other than interactions with S1. I really have to ask myself sometimes, is it her, or is it me that's being distant. Probably both. I guess that's what we call "space" This detachment thing, being it, and doing it right is really hard as in to will yourself into that neutral but friendly mindset. She's there. (Or appears to be there)
I actually think I understand now what W meant months ago, about going numb, and most of the reasons for it, R issues, home issues, money issues, self esteem issues, etc...I can now relate to that.
I told my IC about my journaling, and its almost like I have 4 personas or voices going on in my head from moment to moment, and with each thought is intensity of emotions.
The first one is my prideful ego, pushing me to move forward, get stuff accomplished, move on, and pursue healthy, (and possibly unhealthy) dating... Avenues of companionship, because I feel alone, and barely supported. It is encouraging at times, I can do this, I can make an independent life work, I can pursue happiness, grow, nuture my well being and strive forward.
The second one is a hurt, numb, negative, hopeless, rejected, abondoned child with no desire to focus, strive forward, or think, just wants to rest, sleep, or have fun.
The third one is a side that wants to be more considerate, empathetic, and compassionate, that wants to put other peoples needs, and their POV of the world first, seeking understanding, to break me out of my own box of a world and how I perceive it to be.
The fourth one is just arrogance, and bitterness. Because angry feels better than hurt, or helplessness. But I really had to ask myself. Who am I really angry with? Her because of what she is doing? ? Or myself for backsliding?
My IC made a good suggestion yesterday about journaling specifically on each side or POV, and learning to integrate them.
I feel as if I am at the end of me, temporarily lost myself, and am at the beginning of re-committing, and focusing on the new me, the goals, the survival, the initiation and follow through. I have no choice, the house is getting sold no matter what on her agenda, and I can't afford nor do I want to keep the home, or buy her out. I have to figure out a life independent of her, for myself and my S1 and how I am going to maintain and provide for that, housing, etc. I'm going to probably have to purchase a lot of new things, car seat, bedding, TV, and all the stuff that comes with a child.
What is troubling my health, well being, and focus on myself is still living with her, and still having to negotiate things because of the child scheduling, unfinished house projects, division of time and labor, etc.
I need to go out and play, and GAL in the worst way. I'm just going to do it and still take care of priorities, but limit them on my timeline. I have to because if I don't set aside time/money to do some comforting things, instead of just work, eat, read, and sleep, im going to crack.
Another thing. W and I are probably swapping a few weekends around next month. Im going to think it through today before I give an answer. I mentioned Mother's day, and how my weekend falls on it, so I asked W what her plans and intentions were for Mothers day. She suggested, but only suggested she wanted to get myself, her mom, my mom, and S1 together at a local spot in town for brunch.
Again like Easter... I don't know what the right move is? Do I do things seperate like I decided to do for Easter? Or do I arrange the get together along with her suggestion? I know its for the sake of the Mom's and S1 and has nothing to do with the MR. Again on one hand, I need to emotionally protect myself, and I figure if she has been pushing the S all this time, then im going to act seperated. On the other hand, I feel like I am the one that's missing out, is being standoffish, and slapping away kindness from W and MIL. I know it's ultimately my choice. Im sure Sandi will put it to me one way, Steve85 will put it to me another way, LH19 will as well. WTH do I do? I know it won't have any immediate impact other than for the sake of the Mom's and S1 Or will it? It's like why does she keep inviting me to these things if we are going to eventually seperate?
It’s VERY hard and confusing. The focus needs to be you and kids . A great man puts his kids first . In each interaction future or present , decide what is best for them ? I say go to when she invites and be the best dam happy father you can be . One that can enjoy and smile regardless of what “ she / thinks/ wants”
You should temper that with what you can handle at the time depending on your pma. Talk to other people and enjoy the time . How else can you show what a great man you are ? Who has learned to be strong in the worst adversity
OK, so don't be so sure about separation being any easier, believe me. Just because they're not in the house doesn't mean they're not in your head! Luckily the same applies to them as well, they don't forget you just because they live elsewhere. And how interesting that you have that same desire to get away, to make a fresh start, to get away from the pain etc that your W has. So maybe you have more empathy than you think??
Those four people sound very familiar to me, another way I heard it discussed recently is that the grown up you should be in the driver's seat. The children, all those sad, mad voices are allowed to sit in the car, but they're not allowed to drive. Because they shouldn't be allowed to be in charge. You can talk to them, listen to them, acknowledge them and care for them and their feelings, but you're still in the driver's seat. I like the journalling idea, let us know how it goes.
It was mother's day here recently and my dh came back and we went to lunch with the kids. It was nice, neither of us had any expectations but it was good to just get together with family. I think you should probably do it, and celebrate together. Celebrations are important even when life is going horribly wrong. Other opinions are available.
For me the silence was the worst. When W would take off overnight to school in another town (and to meet her EA), I would put the kids to bed and then had the rest of the evening to myself. The quiet of a still house was the worst. I couldn't think about anything else but where things had gone wrong. I blamed mostly myself back then. I ground myself down mercilessly first for causing this then for not taking a stance years ago when I realized she was checked out. Then again what can you do, really? Until you go through this you don't have any experience or the tools to go through this. Things are different now.
IHCLACS, I don't think you should, though you will, worry about this process. It's a process. You have experienced a severe trauma not unlike a death of someone very close to you, except the thing that died was your relationship. To not experience what you're experiencing now would mean that you don't have a functioning emotional system. So that's something. Anyhow, the thing you're experience is a part of the process, just the same as the terror of a quiet house was for me. Things will get better. They did for me. They won't be ideal, and my relationship is probably gone, but I'm recognizing that it wasn't all my fault... or fault at all. This is what I was saying earlier about blame. That's why blame leads us so astray.
In my case I didn't know she had ADHD. Not until my son was diagnosed. Over time, as I researched the psychology of human relationships, the disorder, and the general chaos of the human condition it made it easier for me to understand. To forgive. From then the self-loathing, rage, the terror of loneliness and self pity began to abate. It turned into something else. At some point she came back and said she wants work on the marriage, but something in me changed. It's as if the tether that kept me chained to her was dissolved so when she withdrew again and asked to separate I agreed without hesitation. I think I was done.
Point is, that what's happening to you right now is a tragedy, but a tragedy that will pass. What you're describing is normal. Better than normal. I see progress. If you honestly do the work, focus on being a better you, dump the anger and blame it will leave you a better person. The process is hell, and it takes a very long time. I'm not going to kid you. My sich has been going on for years and is by no means over. My angry wolf is constantly jerking his chain. He's hungry. He wants my anger. He wants me to focus on what I'm losing. He has many tricks to get it, and sometimes in my weaker moments he succeeds. However, my mind is firmly set on the good wolf. The one that's compassionate, grateful, curious, a kind parent. I feed that one more than I do the other and I do see a difference. From then to now. Not just in how I relate to my immediate family, but in how easily I form connections even with strangers. It feels good. Really, really good. I really wish the same for you and everybody else here, but I think you'll be ok. There will be dark times and pain, but remember that the process you're dealing with right now is forging tools that will allow you to get through it ok. You just have to really want it good things... and feed the right wolf.
Thanks Marc Pa for sharing you're experience and all of your insight. You have been really helpful to serve as a reminder that we are not the only ones hurting, and it is not only about just our POV at times.
You are right. Both our IC's have said similar things about not really having the tools and the proper coping mechanisms to deal with these communication and relationship issues during those times.. Like yourself, eventually I became ok with my own forgiveness, the one sided blame and pity. I made friends with "the wolf" and let that go. But the thing I can't seem to let go is my capacity to change. I change very slowly from prior experience. But I know I need to take the info, and just do it immediately. Not tomorrow, not next week, not 6 months from now. Just now. Small goals one week at a time. Medium goals several months at a time. The introspective persona stuff and relationship stuff I can work on. The behavioral stuff is a little more challenging for me, but I'm getting better at it.
Its the management, balance, and follow through of life that concerns me. Finances, prioritizing, GAL time, work time, child time, family time, etc... You see, my W knows this knowing me for 12 years, me being vulnerable at times, and her being a behaviorist, that although I am very intellectual, bright, and creative, the learning disability has its way of sabotaging my self esteem sometimes , affecting my managenent, executive functioning and balance of things, leading to incompletion of tasks at times, anxiety under certain types of deadline pressure, multiple job loss, many prior relationship loss, and some of the expectations that come of them. Its my truth and partially my self fulfilling prophecy that I have been left in EVERY RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE OF IT. But that's ok. That's going to be my next challenge in life. Finding my own balance independently. Maybe I might surprise her? Maybe I might surprise myself? I know through the pain and experience I will definately grow from it. If she eventually comes back around someday, great, if not, great...lol... I know myself just well enough to know what I have to work on and change, and I know well enough what W has to work on as well, whether she wants to admit it to me or not. If it is still up for considerstion for me in the future, I will be qualifying her just as much as she will be qualifying me.
I know I am mostly normal like every one else here including yourself going through this. I appreciate you sharing that with me. I can also sympathize with your W as I have a form of ADD and BPD characteristic on a small level. The part where you mention about on focusing what I am losing. The way it started, as I'm confident how it started for most people on here, is we all focus on what we are losing initially, but then?...As we transition, we get at that in between place where we constantly vascilate between going backwards to the past of what and how we knew, and the future of what we look forward to and how we want to be.
I'm really glad that you form connections easily with other people. In a natural at it, its just maintaining it. Im like a mayor. I'm a horse that's great out of the gate, but not much on the long stretch. Maybe it takes more effort on my part, and maybe it takes just a white person in my life, or both? Who knows? Again thanks, and I hope your sich improves for the better, either alone or together. Can anyone tell here that my Love Language is words and physical affection?..lol
I'm really glad that you form connections easily with other people. In a natural at it, its just maintaining it. Im like a mayor. I'm a horse that's great out of the gate, but not much on the long stretch.
No, don't allow your self to think that way. Fix in your mind that you are a good person who deserves to be in a healthy relationship, and if this isn't the one then this could be the one that teaches you how to do that. You won't feel that way right now, because of the noise, but truth is that people with even very debilitating emotional disorders have healthy relationship with neuro-typical partners. The only thing is that it's up to us to rise to the challenge. You have to make your self believe that.
I sometimes, think I might have ADD. I have some markers. I have trouble focusing sometimes, but I do when I need to. Then again I've also had two major head injuries so who knows what got shaken lose up there. Anyway, look, you are doing ok. Just keep going. Things will feel different in time. Also, go and look for positive stories. It's natural to drift towards misery, but it's the inspiring stories that will lift you up.
IHCLACS, if you think you have ADD you should probably make an effort to have it diagnosed. I suppose that depends on the level of your certainty, but if you think you have it it would help you immensely to know for sure. It also opens up doors to resources, and lets you make a plan as to how you want to proceed. Here in DB there is an emphasis on having a plan because the number-one thing that causes fear and anxiety is the uncertainty. Planning takes a lot of the uncertainty out of one's life, reduces the stress, and allows for making more clear-headed decisions. Anyway, in psychology giving a name to one's suffering is to objectify it. When you have a name for what's eating you, it's far easier to deal with it because it's no longer this amorphous blob in your mind. It becomes more predictable and 'predictable' is the opposite of 'uncertain'.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/25/1902:45 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
