OK, over dependence on another for happiness and fulfillment is unhealthy. I'm saddened that after almost a year here you haven't learned that much. This last post smacks of depression. I'm afraid to ask if you're in IC because I'm afraid I already know the answer.
You owe it to your S to get your self healthy. And it has nothing to do with a woman. You'll never find happiness in a relationship if you're not happy by yourself.
I'll keep you in my prayers, OK. When you are thinking clearly you have good insight, and you're obviously an intelligent guy.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Dude. 30... You still have plenty of time to meet the right person. I will be a single dad and 39 in a few months. I know how you feel though. I've had maybe 4 GF's 1 STBXW potentialy after 10 years. Makes you form a complex about yourself.and your self worth. ...I have never walked away from a relationship. Makes you wonder? Is it me?... I know that all too familiar feeling of overworked alone, tired frustrated, hated, and forgotten. I've been a lone wolf most of my life, using dating and relationships to socialize. You have to actively pursue who is right for you, and in order to to that you have to learn, go through the pain, and grow you.
My W is a good hearted person, but a hypocrite. I tried explaining to her that you don't find happiness outside of yourself last month, she disagreed. By my standards You don't leave a M because you are bored, you don't leave a marriage because you are seeking personal growth and independence, you don't leave a marriage looking for fulfillment, happiness, and purpose. You can do all these things in a marriage successfully if the other spouse is willing to grant that freedom. I've frequently said to W over last month that happiness comes from within, not the things, places, hobbies, or achievements around you. Although they are spirit and purpose boosters, and give life some meaning, once you accomplish your goals. Guess what? Time to reinvent yourself again, ask now what? And do it again. That's why they call it the pursuit of happiness.
Ironicly she just put up a FB post saying Happiness is a choice, not a result. That nothing outside of you can make you happy. You must choose to be happy, be gratetful, and then share that with the world. Which is what i was saying all along.
Go and find you, grow you, and have some fun in between, whether it be the sheets, or just casual dating. But learn the lessons and take it slow, and guard yourself if someone may not be good for you. Vulnerability is a good thing. But you have uou reveal it to the right person over a long time. Even then there are no guarantees in life.
Oh, what many of us here wouldn't give to be 30 while going through this. I'm pushing 50, facing a divorce after a 10 year marriage, financial cataclysm, and loss of connection to my extended family. But you know what? I'll be ok, because I've looked hard at myself and took responsibility for my happiness.
Orange, you should really listen to what people are saying here. People like IHCLACS, Steve85, and others are looking inwards for answers, and answer they find. See, a happy life is all about emotional attunement with yourself. All the good things that are going to bring you those healthy connections with others come from self-awareness. Emotional resilience, self esteem, fulfillment are core components of happiness, and right now you seem to be running short on all. This isn't pleasant to hear but until you stop blaming others, and yourself, you'll never going to understand why you're attracted to relationships that fail. The way out is to stop the fight and embrace the madness. Delve deep into yourself and ask what is the common variable here. You'll find it is you.
I know. You're be angry at this post. You think we're full of cr*p. But honestly, the men and women here don't have to respond to your posts. They've got their own stuff going on. They do respond out of love and compassion for other human beings who they empathize with you because they understand the pain you're dealing with. However, ultimately you will have to do the work. Only you can make yourself happy.
To be truly happy, you'll need to be in a place where you're grateful to your ex for the opportunity she gave you to gain life-experience. You'll need to forgive people who hurt you, and forgive yourself, and drop the ball of pain you're carrying in your heart. To this, spend some time alone. Enjoy your son and form an unconditional bond with him. Read books like "Codependent No More", "No More Mr Nice Guy", and everything by John Gottman. Practice mindfulness and yoga. Realize what a gift being 30 is. Be grateful for every day you're healthy and your knees don't hurt. Practice compassion. Exercise. Prioritize sleep, and eat healthy. Take road trips. If you honestly let go, and give yourself over to this, one day you'll notice you're happy, and then you'll open the door and let the right person to come into your life. Do it for your self, and your son.
Last edited by MarcPa; 04/13/1910:59 AM. Reason: Edited for clarity
A counceler said this to me several years ago. Which one takes more work and effort and which one keeps you stuck, and drains you of joy and wastes your time leading to regret? To be bitter, self loathing and depressed? Or to be striving forward, positive and independent? Remember there are two things certain if life. Death, and taxes, and even the second one is optional. The only thing that is constant is change.. Hold your thoughts captive. Im very guilty of this too. If you feel yours self going negative. Either imagine a stop sign, or observe the thoughts, write them down, and ask yourself. I this really serving me?
A counceler said this to me several years ago. Which one takes more work and effort and which one keeps you stuck, and drains you of joy and wastes your time leading to regret? To be bitter, self loathing and depressed? Or to be striving forward, positive and independent? Remember there are two things certain if life. Death, and taxes, and even the second one is optional. The only thing that is constant is change.. Hold your thoughts captive. Im very guilty of this too. If you feel yours self going negative. Either imagine a stop sign, or observe the thoughts, write them down, and ask yourself. I this really serving me?
This x 1000! That's mindfulness. Exploring your emotions and saying no to the negative thoughts, and yes to positive ones sometimes feels futile because you don't see an immediate result - it's like throwing stones into a pond. But the thing is the stones do pile up eventually.
Last edited by MarcPa; 04/13/1903:55 PM. Reason: Edited for clarity
Thx everyone. Youre all right of course. The mary thing just put me in a low spot. I do need to just run it solo forba while. I shut off the dating apps and unhooked my tv. Time to get in touch with OK for reals.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
OK... you are so young still. I know that you were posting the worst of your worst thoughts. IMO...that’s pretty brave. Now that you have seen them in black and white, it’s time to do some work. What would you advise a friend if they had told you the same thing? You have a precious little boy who is watching you and learning. Kids rarely learn from what their parents say, they watch what their parents do. Be the confident, happy, calm and loving individual that your son needs you to be. It starts with self love and radiates from there. YOU, OK, have plenty of time left to find your person...but not before you do the work. Once you have, you will attract the right woman into your life and she will add to your life the way a partner is supposed to, not make it. (((HUGS)))
pretty dramatic low point today. the mutual dissolving of the relationship between Mary and I has degraded into scorned and getting ghosted. I feel like I'm cursed, like I'm broken and unlovable.
It's normal to feel that way. Wrap your head around that Orange, that's right, you are NORMAL! Not broken, not unlovable, just going through the emotional turmoil of ending a relationship.
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Additionally it really makes me wonder Why I am always so desperate to have someone in my life.
Now that is a good question to contemplate. Because it's OK to WANT someone, but not OK to NEED them. If you need someone to fill a hole in your life, then that's unhealthy. Fill that hole yourself first (I'm bracing myself for someone to throw a dirty pun in here )
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every serious relationship I've ever been in, 4 that I can think of, have all ended in a similar fashion.
Then make #5 different, and thank the heavens above that the first 4 learning experiences prepared you for the best, most meaningful relationship of your life.
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moreover I'm scared shittless then I'm going to literally spend the rest of my life overworked tired and alone.
A lot of us feel that way coming out of a LTR, and many jump into a new R too quickly after that. But if you give yourself some time to adjust and get used to being alone, it can be beautiful. It'll make you stronger and more independent. Less needy. You won't need someone to make you happy if you find happiness on your own. When you get to the point where you say "if I live the rest of my life without a romantic partner, it won't matter to me because I can find fulfillment without that" THEN you will set yourself up for the best R yet.
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I've reached that age where most of my friends are busy with their own families.
Make new friends.
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on the days that I don't have him I am crippled by depression and loneliness.
See a doctor and get evaluated for depression. There's no shame in seeking help and I can personally tell you that the right medication can make a HUGE difference in how you feel and your outlook on life, even if just taken temporarily.
AS has shown you the attitude and way forward . Take some time to digest what he has said and make it work for you , amazing days await , get in the right frame of mind , fake it until you make it . You can do it !!
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