I have a pretty flashy diamond trilogy ring that he bought me last year for our anniversary. About nine weeks before he moved out. I took it as a sign of commitment - that the hard times in our marriage were over and we were working on things. I remember wearing it at work and showing it to my friends and being so pleased with it. I don't wear that ring when I am in public - I'd feel ashamed, somehow, after him leaving such a short time after getting it for me. Humiliated. But I do wear it when travelling away from home and sometimes around the house at night. I think these symbolic things can support our intentions, or they can get us stuck. I don't know how it is for me. It sounds like you've made the right decision for you, Yail.
FS: Does the ring give you strength, or take energy from you? Does it cause you a flash of emotion when you notice it during the day?
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
I think these symbolic things can support our intentions, or they can get us stuck.
I completely agree, and that's what I was feeling. For a while my ring supported my intentions, and I wore it for that time. But when W again discussed the logistics of D, and I looked around the house I know that she is really gone. And I don't want to be stuck. So I set the ring aside.
I guess for me - the removal of the rings was about letting go, but not about moving on. I am still a believer that W and I have a shot at R in our futures. I really do. But I'm being honest with myself that now is not the future. Right now, we are not partners.
Perhaps my feelings on this are a little bit related to the fact we are a lesbian relationship. The language of "partner" implied we were a unit well before we signed the papers. So I guess I feel that our couplehood mostly lived outside of M, and the legal piece wasn't what really bound us to each other.
We were engaged for 6+ years before getting married (together 9 before M) and a part of that was due to the fact our families did not accept this union. (Honestly - we kind of waited them out. Time is a great teacher. Most family came around to accepting and loving us as a couple after witnessing YEARS of our devotion to each other. That right there is my proof that Hearts can change.)
So, I feel like I am here for W if the opportunity to become partners again presents itself. I have work to do in that area. But I need to start releasing my heart from hers so I can discover exactly what that means for me.
Honestly, I don't really think about it from one day to the next. All I knew was that not wearing it felt like a lie. The other reason was I am out a lot and I it was like a cloak of protection. Most people I meet don't know my sitch so it lets people know that I am married and stops the awkward conversations.
I am sorry that it took so long for your families to accept you. I am glad they now do - that is something immensely positive to take from your time with your W.
Not sure if you know, but I was engaged once before and we were together nearly ten years before we decided to get married. It was only when we made that decision I realized how trapped I felt - which led to my cheating on him and eventually leaving him for someone else (my H). Sometimes we focus so much on the end game, that once attained, we question our reasons for wanting it.
As an aside, I often wonder if I would have been happy with him if I had not had my quarter life crises - and the answer is yes. I would have been happy. I remember hanging on to anything anybody had to say about him which was negative and saying to myself "see you were right, he is [insert bad trait here]". I know now that the issues were with me and my own sense of self. Your W will realize this one day too. For her, like for me, it may be too late.
FS - I didn't know you were engaged before. If you have written about it I missed it. What an interesting piece of your life to look back upon. I think it's interesting to look back upon certain forks in the road, and observe what the results have been of our choices. We can never regret them, but I do think we can learn from them if we take the time to re-examine at different points in our life.
*****
I'm writing a list of all the fun things I want to do this summer, or all the things I want to try that I've never done. A list of things that will make me feel free and open to the world. It's an inspiring list full of weird oddities that perfectly suit my "Year of Yes" mentality. I'm not certain that I'll accomplish them all, but I like adding to it. I keep it in the notes section of my phone.
A new piercing. Upper helix. Maybe a tattoo? I'm debating the location/decision on this one. Smoke pot. Smoke cigarettes. Not to create a habit, but just because I never have. Have parties at the house while I still live here. Learn to play poker. Run. Exercise. Get toned arms. Wear tank tops every day I can. Farm. Garden. Practice bassoon several days a week. Join an orchestra. Buy new funky jewelry. Diamond helix hoops. A chain earring that links my established helix piercings to my lobe piercings. A pounded metal choker. Threaded earrings. Brass hoops. Start sewing/making clothes again. Find a metal-working class to learn to make jewelry Get at least one good "going out" outfit. Hit the town on gorgeous summer nights. Flirt with strangers. Get strangers to flirt with me! (and buy me whiskey!) Ask coworkers to hang out. Talk to people. Make friends with strangers.
I'm balls to the wall this week with work and homework. But starting next weekend I can start looking forward and stop being glued to the laptop. I'm so excited.
Yail - My ex and were together from when we were children (12 to be exact). He said when we separated that he wished we'd met later in life. He was/is a good man. We had put off getting engaged for soooo long (university, starting our careers, waiting until we had a deposit) that when it finally happened, instead of feeling excited, I just felt trapped. I am not saying that is what happened with your wife. It is just what happened to me.
I love the list. You could probably cross quite a few of those off in a single afternoon ... but it may be worth drawing it out.
Why just one good outfit ?!?! buy a few sexy tops (to show off those toned arms you're going to have by summer), a great pair of jeans and some kick @rse ankle boots. Multiple outfits suitable for a host of occasions.
Cute boho dresses are also great for showing off toned arms and look great with all that jewelry your planning on buying.
I dig your list too Yail! Sounds a little edgy, awesome :-)
I had always wanted to get a tattoo but didn't because I thought it would go against my "family man" thing I had going on and my XW wasn't into it at all. After D I was like screw it, I'm going for it. I told my kids and interestingly they were all for it. So now I have a full arm sleeve, full leg sleeve and a start on the other leg. It's been expensive and really painful but wow do I ever love my ink. It's a conversation starter no matter where I go. Often I'll be somewhere with the kids and they'll say "hey he/ she wants to see your tattoos" because they'll hear someone comment on it, they seem to love the attention more than me, LOL!
Anyway my advice on tattoos, once you have an idea of what you want then do your research on local artists. Each has their own style, you don't want to go to a black-and-grey specialist with a full color tatt in mind. Find the right artist. It took me weeks of looking through online portfolios, it's amazing how many you will dismiss just based on that. If they are really good/popular then you will probably have to book months in advance so keep that in mind.
FS - you have hit on my weakness: good shoes. Yes, I want some really killer ankle boots. Haven't quite found them yet but I am on the lookout. Multiple awesome outfits is the ultimate goal, but I'll settle for just one as my bare minimum. Might have to go up to MTL.
AS - I didn't know you were tattooed so heavily! How awesome! I'm really unsure if I'll get mine, as I tend to have a big bark and no bite when it comes to permanent decisions. I'm very, very picky. Which I suppose is good - but that's really the only "maybe" on my list. I adore tattoos. I just don't know if I will commit to actually getting one this year. But I covet them.
With my new polished rock/glam look I'm really wanting my tattoos to be flowers. Not heavy on the color, but a bit. My current idea is to get something that is designed a little on the botanical side style-wise. Either on my back, or perhaps upper thigh just below the hip bone. I'm tossing these ideas around.
Re-doing my look is my favorite distraction. It's harmless, it's fun. It helps shift your thinking when questioning your identity and who you are. I think this is why so many people on this forum are really into exercise/weight lifting and changing their bodies. It is the most immediate door to change, and we are all so desperate for change when in this (bleep)-show. I'm starting to understand that.
So to everyone on the forum - let's all go get piercings! yay!
I think we all get a mental image of what others here look like. In my head you are in your 20's with a dark brown hair wavy hair cut slightly longer than a pixie cut. Slightly rock chick. Slightly boho. Slightly geeky (that's purely from the HTML conversations with Paco).
In my mental image you are kick @arse.
You talk about piercings. I have a few smallish tattoos and in my youth had multiple piercings (they've close up now). He hated all of this plus I also (use to) smoke and (being australian) I swear like a trooper. These things are 'common' (not sure if that translates over in the states, but basically it's an insult along the lines of uneducated, lower class and probably unemployed).
D12 desperately wants a second piercing. I said maybe in a few years. H told her no because "people with piercings don't get into university" ... "and people will look down on you when you're going for interviews". She's 12.
I am going to get a second piercing at the top of my right ear. I was thinking of getting the serenity prayer in italics down the middle of my back, but can't because I had a severe reaction to a black henna tattoo when I was in my 20s which triggered an allergy to all sorts of dyes.
The existing tattoos are fine. But no new ones ... urghh.
My hair is actually a bit past shoulder length with kind of wild, very layered curls. I have an undercut (shaved head) up to about mid-ear which is hidden when I wear my hair down. If I put my hair in a ponytail or bun you can see the shaved portion. Just above the shaved portion is a strip of platinum blond that just barely peeks out when my hair is down, but is shown off if my hair is up. It's the perfect combo of being "polished" while at work, and a bit more edge when I'm out of work. Although I wear it both ways at work. I AM a Riot Grrrl at heart. (It's a music scene. If you like screaming women in rock - that's my genre. If you listen to anything by the band Bikini Kill or Sleater Kinney you've hit on my favorite bands)
Get that piercing! I LOVE those piercings. But ugh, do they take FOREVER to heal. Where I am in the states I'm a bit closer to what we call "hipster" culture. Don't know if the same term is used where you are. The derogatory term we use that would translate to "common" would be "trailer trash" (not a very kind term).
Related to D12 and the 2nd piercing: We have a lot of discussions on campus about "professional" dress with students, and how to teach them what to expect in the workplace. But here's the part I struggle with: This upcoming generation is going to be redefining workplace culture the minute they step into it. So we can teach them what is acceptable NOW, but they are the ones who are going to live it and decide whether or not to judge their peers on dress.
So I'm sure D12 will not receive even a second thought if she chooses to get another piercing or two eventually.
If I ever me your H I'd likely look him dead in the eye, nod solemnly, and say, "Yes. I've heard about this. Women's brains slowly leak out of their ears with each added piercing. I lost 500,000 brain cells with each of these that I have. Yes, I believe keeping D12's head in tack is a priority."
I'm a smart @$$ when it comes to anyone telling another woman what to do with their own body. Soooo maybe don't do that!
