I've been doing well with GAL and giving my W some space over the past few weeks. Things were seemingly getting better as she was saying the odd thing that seemed to suggest some softening on her part. She was also texting me just about every day. When we saw each other it was very friendly and everytime she left she'd give me a hug.
She mentioned she was liking her condo but was sad that she didnt' get to see our son often.
She started IC and has been twice.
This past week her dad took a turn for the worse and is now living out his final days in a hospice. I came back early from a work trip so I could help out and be with our family. She really appreciated this.
Now the negative. I was snooping. I was logging into her instagram to check in on her. I thought it would help me understand her more (she was saving posts of sadness and liking posts about depression) I wasn't checking in to see about an affair as I don't think that's what has been going on. I've just felt so stressed about our family falling apart and it kind of became addictive. Anyways, I told her that I've been checking her instagram and that I didn't want to lie to her as we've never lied to each other in the past. She said:"It just [censored] because it makes it harder moving forward. I felt like I've been making positive changes and now it's just two steps back".
As of now, things are better and ever so slowly moving in the right direction. She is dealing with her dad's situation much better as reality has set in. Bottom line is DO NOT SNOOP - you may feel it helps you in the short term but I guarantee it will bite you in the ass down the road. I think we will get through this as my wife has made her mistakes during this too but it definitely doesn't help the situtation. I think she's been grieving her dad's death for the past year and it really messed her up and affected her ability to be emotionally available to others, including me and my son. Depression is likely a part of it and I will be patient as she works through this.
Also - I think it has been helping that since she moved out I gave her a lot of space and didn't contact her but still showed her in other ways that I cared about her and her well-being.
Thank you for all your advice. I hope it continues to get better.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
She knew I snooped because that is how I got the evidence of her EA, and how far it went. I think she realized how ridiculous it is to be mad at my snooping when she was guilty of what she did. So it wasn't a matter of forgiving me as much as it was realizing that she had given me reason to snoop.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
After we got past the trust issues and my confrontation of EA/IA with Chris Soules The Bachelor.. ( Was actually emailing him, stalking him, and messaging him on Instagram. FB, looking for dating opportunities with him , etc..) My WAW kept on stating... "Im all embarrassed... It was like a high school crush thing, that I took too far" She said I wished you nipped it in the bud earlier" So I asked her. Why are you embarrassed? Because you took it too far? Or because you got caught? Surprisingly she replied "both"
Let them know that yoy know, but don't reveal your sources like some suggest here
So even though things have progressed to an extent, my W is still not sure what she wants. I thought I'd list a few of the updates and I would love advice:
- her father passed away last Tuesday after his battle with cancer. - My W recently told me she was at peace with his death for selfish and unselfish reasons. The selfish reasons being she feels like she's been grieving this for 3 years (since diagnosis) and now can move on. - She often says things in the future that involve both of us ex. maybe we'll get a bigger dog or if things work out I'd love to live here (next town over) or we can go this trip together - She still lives in her condo but has been in our house for the last week since her dad passed, along with her mom so we could be near family. - She still sees her therapist - even though we have a son, she's taking a 4 or 5 day trip next week alone to recover from her exhaustion
We talked tonight as I wanted to set some boundaries regarding our living situation. When I asked her what her intent was after the service this Saturday she said she wasn't sure if she would stay here or go back to her condo. She said she might stay here sometimes and her condo at others and her therapist agreed that she wasnt' fully ready to move in just yet.
My response was this: "W, I also don't feel like you are fully ready to move in and I also think it's confusing to our son if you are back and forth between places. I think you should stay at your condo until you are ready to move back in for good but hopefully we can start MC and go on some dates and reconnect".
She then went on to say that she understands my viewpoint. She's not sure if this will work out or not as the cuts are too deep. She says she was made to feel guilty by me for not having dinners ready, or watching too much tv and not working out (I validated and apologized for making her feel that way).
We both understand we need to communicate better and set some expectations moving forward.
I've been way too helpful over the last few weeks as her father was in hospice and then passed on. But I'm supposed to be as her father died and I should be there to support our family no matter what. I worry though that I've become a doormat and she doesn't respect me. I also feel like she's showing a lot of selfish tendencies still and she is nowhere near the point of begging for me back. She knows I'm here if she wants me.
Moving forward, whats the advice? Here's my plan:
1) Stand firm on living arrangements 2) GAL 3) Validate her when she's sharing her feelings about our relationship 4) Openly communicate my feelings when asked 5) Stay positive and upbeat in interactions - fake it til you make it.
Thanks!
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
I don’t know much but it sounds like she is testing you . If you were on the other side in her shoes with her feelings, what do you think she would feel ?
It appears as though many people are curious as to how many of these situations turn out in reconciliation so I thought I would update.
My W has moved back in to our house and is hopeful that we will be able to work through the problems we had early in the marriage. We both agreed that we didn't make each other the priority after we had our S(2). Also agreed that we need to learn how to communicate better, without worrying so much about hurting the other's feelings. I personally kept a lot in and the resentment grew at times as I felt I was doing most of the things around the house - she could read that on my face and in return she started feeling like she wasn't the wife that I wanted. We started to disconnect and it was a slow process. We will do some MC and learn how to communicate better and we've learned our love languages. Her dad's illness also may have led to some grief/depression that made her withdraw a bit too.
She said there was never anybody else and I never found any evidence (I looked) to suggest otherwise.
Here's what I did poorly: - early in process I tried to reason with her and talk everything out - I put pressure on her and made her feel guilty for her feelings (assumption) - followed her around the house (mostly checking on her) - snooped (didn't help in any way, only made me look harder)
Here's what I did well: - Once separated, I left her completely alone - no texts unless important about our S, - no calls - stayed positive during interactions - went out with friends - when her dad was at his end stages I stepped up to help the family and her (ex. came home from trip early once he went in hospice so I could look after our S so she could be at hospice with family)
Moving forward we both would like to feel like we are dating again. I need to mix it up a bit more and do what I can to keep the spark and passion alive. When we got married, I just figured it would always be there - nobody told me it requires effort. I see that now.
I once read somewhere that sometimes the W knows intuitively what the relationship needs and I really think whether she realized it or not, separating was the one thing she could do that would get my attention enough for me to make some positive changes.
Thanks to all for the advice - it really helped me to stay strong at times and follow the process.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Jac, glad to hear things are better. Please be cautious though and don't assume everything is "back to normal". Normally we advise not to let a WAS come back too fast because you can quickly find yourself right back in the same spot. Do seek out MC, make it a priority to go. Also check into Retrouvaille in your area, it's a great tool for couples who struggle with communications. Good luck and please do keep posting!
Jac, glad to hear things are better. Please be cautious though and don't assume everything is "back to normal". Normally we advise not to let a WAS come back too fast because you can quickly find yourself right back in the same spot. Do seek out MC, make it a priority to go. Also check into Retrouvaille in your area, it's a great tool for couples who struggle with communications. Good luck and please do keep posting!
Agree.
IC for each of you MC Retrouvaille Date night once a week etc Keep up on your personal growth Do not share this website with her. This is your tool.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
