Holy cow! It's Tad...

[roist]

Sandi when she speaks of her own situation as a WW, she mentioned something about this. If memory serves me right, she too was shocked and dumbfounded that her H didn't want her anymore. She was a WW with all that entails and disregarded her H and his viewpoint/feelings as secondary to her own. When he got to the point of saying enough was enough, she genuinely was taken by surprise. To the point of "how on earth could he not want to be with me". It was unimaginable to her!!

Many speak of the WAS expecting the LBS to be sitting right where they left them waiting. That is probably true to some extent, but I doubt it is thought out consciously. It could be an unconscious assumption.

Maybe a part of it is that they do what they do because they HAVE TO not because they chose to. It was necessary in their eyes to find true happiness. Surely that is understandable. How could the LBS not understand that!! Incredible as it may seem, it probably is exactly how your ExW views this.

Whereas I find it healthy to seek understanding, certain parts of M crisis will never be coherent nor understood and we waste our time delving to find that elusive answer.

I am glad you are enjoying your life. Nature is great. Enjoying your own company and not needing others can be a good thing. BUT I read recently that one aspect of being truly happy comes from having interactions with people. There is a YT video that explains the difference between having pleasures and happiness and the main ingredient was to be truly happy interactions with others are required.

Best wishes

[AndrewP]

Hi Tad

I'm more a subscriber to the "selfish jerk" school than the "MLC" one these days.

I honestly have no clue what's going on in my own ex-wife's mind especially at present but also got the "be friends" thing. My own take is that they don't understand that their actions have consequences. As do our own.

I see over and over here and elsewhere stories where the LBS is expected to continue to do the adulting and is just taken for granted. The lovely lady I am currently dating has that exact thing going on in fact.

With all that said there are consequences. Loss of home and family. Loss of standing in the community. Financial, emotional, health. We see here many of the LBS ending up in a better place than they have been for years as their former partner had been dragging them down and not holding them up.

Will my ex, your ex ever feel remorse for what they did? In my case I have doubts because that would involve her admitting that she was wrong and that she hurt people. Regrets? I fully expect that she has a fair number of them but for what happened to her.

[job]

Tad,

In my own situation, it took my xh about 5 1/2 years before he wanted to be friends after he destroyed everything good in the world of "us". I told him that if I didn't accept that horrible behavior from others, I would not accept it from him. He couldn't understand that I wasn't going to sweep everything under the carpet and forget about it. I do think that they don't realize all that they have done and when they reach out and want to be friends w/their former spouses, they do not understand all that took place.

My xh apologized for his behavior throughout our 25 years marriage, but not once has he apologized for his horrible behavior since 1998 onward. To him, it never happened.

As for truly wanting to know what goes through his mind, I wouldn't touch that mind w/a ten foot pole. It's tainted and toxic from years of neglect, booze, etc.

Tad, you are a good guy, don't allow thoughts of her wanting to be friends as anything more than just touching base. You have to remember that the "friend" thing to them is entirely different than being true friends.

I enjoy all of your nature photos. Hope kitty eventually opts to come inside permanently. You are a good father to humans and animals.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks roist, AndrewP and Job.

All wise words.

I am beginning to believe that they have a hard time with us not wanting to be friends because they truly don't understand or realize what they have done. Or, maybe it is the narcissist in them coming out. How can you not be friends with ME?

You are a good father to humans and animals.

You made me smile Job.

Off to work!

Tad

[exquisitetobe]

In my story, ex-h repeatedly told me he loves me.. BUT
just not in that way.. like a sister kind of love.
His last attempt at declaring his love was: " i really do love you, i just did not know if i wanted to live with you anymore".

In the very first year after bomb, i had told ex-h that he wanted everything but me. His gf, our kids, the house, his job etc. EVERYTHING BUT ME. He answered: " NO, i want you to".

It seem like he was telling the truth..lol
But his loyalty to OW is lacking as much as his loyalty to our family lacked back then.

He does not see anything wrong with his actions therefor can NOT comprehend our reaction. I get blame for all repercussion he faces with me, with the kids and even ( sometimes) with his OW..
Oh well....

Life goes on. At bomb, he told me:" there is more to life then this" . I could not beleive we meant so little to him.
Today, the table is reverse. I say:" there is more to life than him" and he can' t beleive i am not begging him to come back to us...

NATURE!!!! fuel for Peace, serenity, beauty, discovery, amazement etc.. i love nature!

We have many things in common. I to am very quiet. I do not socialize much. I keep to myself alot. I only do things with my children or a couple of friends. If there is too many people at once, i get quiet and i observe and listen. I like my life this way. With summer approaching, i am already planning future road trips and hiking spots i would like to go to.
We ( me and the children) have 2 trips on our priority list. One is at a bird sanctuary and the other at a pisciculture.
I will take pictures and post them on fb for you to see. It would be so much fun if i could take you with us as i know you would love those 2 places..

I am looking forward to see your adventure pics of the summer!
Have a good one Tad!

[tadpole1025]

Thank you!

I too would love to take a few trips except.......I'm afraid to fly....very afraid to fly. I have flown before and will fly if I have to, but I prefer to keep my feet on the ground if I can.

I'd love to see your pictures!

Tad

[JujuB]

I think a lot of it is image management. Like new potential partners (probably partners that were betrayed by their own spouses ) are gonna ask them about their divorce and anyone with half a brain knows that they will look better if they can answer that they are friendly with their ex. Or give them a line like “well we realized we make great friends but lousy spouses”. It probably saves them face to family and neighbors or peers.

I think another part of it is that they lack empathy and are just so entitled that they can’t even see how what they did was wrong. Plus, they probably lie to themselves. . The things my ex said during and was just so unreasonable and completely inaccurate and crazy. It’s cause they can’t actually face that they did things that bad. To own up to that takes a lot and I don’t think many are capable of that type of self reflection. Or they wouldn’t have done what they did.

The problem is that the way most of them left was abusive. Cheating, betrayal, lies. To act all buddy buddy, normalizes abuse. It normalizes their bad behavior.

When my ex first left, him and his mom thought we were all gonna have family holidays and birthday parties together. I’m so glad, my family talked sense into me. Cause I was thinking these thoughts like “I need to be friends first” and “I need to act as if” I’m order to get him back. God. That was so pathetic. I will never be friends with my ex. He is a bad human being to have done what he did.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks JujuB

Well, my XW married the OM so I would say it isn't so she has an answer for potential partners. I do agree though that my XW most likely lies to herself and also can't see what she did was so wrong.

I will never be friends with my ex. He is a bad human being to have done what he did.

Amen. I'll never be friends with mine either.

Saw in your signature that you have five year old twins. My God. Couldn't imagine going through this mess with little ones. Stay tough.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Ehhh.....

I was just invited to a baby shower for my S24 and his girlfriend. I told him a few weeks ago that if he didn't invite me, I wouldn't have hurt feelings over it because I thought baby showers were mostly girlie things. He wants me there. XW will be there, XSIL will be there and XMIL will most likely be there.

I don't want to do this.

[job]

I know you don't want to go to the shower...but your son made a point of inviting you. Are there going to be other men there besides your son and you? If not, you can always send a gift and have something else planned...but I do think your son would be disappointed if you didn't attend. You could go for a little while and then casually leave.