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Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2860281
08/06/19 11:10 AM
08/06/19 11:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Pax_luv

Iíve noticed even more shifting in myself the last few months. Iím no longer afraid of him. Iím not willing to walk on eggshells around him out of fear of his threats. Ahhh progress. I am mindful of approaching him for my own sanity.... as in..,. I just donít want to deal with him and the backlash, but he no longer terrifies me.

I do have to send him an email about the dog schedule today. I need to adjust my dates on two occasions. I used to be fearful that even asking to adjust would cause me to look like Iím not capable of taking care of my dog, but I know thatís not accurate. Weíll shall see how he responds.

Have a nice week everyone!


so proud of you pax! as someone who still has ptsd from years of ex's spew, I know how hard it is to get to where you are. well done gf!!! :* <3

Last edited by bttrfly; 08/06/19 11:11 AM.

M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2860956
08/11/19 12:03 PM
08/11/19 12:03 PM
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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Oh btrfly- the ptsd is real. Hugs to you. Itís rough. I still get triggered over a few things and I do have that reminder that I wasnít enough for my ex. Just got to keep growing and learning.


Interestingly, I am at a bit of an emotional high right now. I watched a ďfeel goodĒ divorce movie before bed and found myself questioning my worth. Not really, but kind of. In this movie, the womanís ex greatly regretted his actions and really wanted to try again but it was too late. She couldnít go back. While it was a movie and completely scripted, Iíve never had any sadness from ex at all. Iíve shared that a ton here so no need to recap, but I still get pangs over it. I no longer blame myself for him falling out of love with me, but I have that deep rooted trauma of constantly doing doing doing doing for ex in order to meet his needs or support the next moving target. And never getting it right.

So, itís almost 5am here. Been up for the last 2 hours taking down a drunk driver with my neighbor. Ok. That sounds dramatic, but together we called the cops. That was actually the real reason I came on here. Just needed a release. Around 330 there was a huge crash outside my window, I didnít see what happened but I heard it, so I peeked out. I knew a car had crashed into something but it had turned the corner out of view. I noticed my neighbor across the way was out on her patio because she heard it too. Basically, the guy was wasted and then he tried to squeeze his little dodge-neon size car into the ďspaceĒ next to the handicap stall. He actually fit but drove too far ahead straight into the bushes. Neighbor ran out to watch him and she called the cops. Meanwhile, I was a creeper who filmed from the balcony. The guy couldnít even stand and I think he saw her watching him so he got back into the car and fled. I knew it was safer to stay where I was but feel terrible that I couldnít stop him from starting the car and driving off. Anyway, I was imagining him being on the road with my loved ones and that freaked me out. So stupid and dangerous. WItís really scary seeing someone that inebriated get into a car. A few mins later the cops came (4 vehicles) and as soon as they started questioning us, they got the call that he was found and would be taken into custody. Thank goodness

Not going to lie...it was scary. I absolutely hated seeing that. I was feeling a bit sad as I went to bed and to be awoken with that fear and adrenaline just compounds it. I have this slight feeling of doom and wonder if this is what people feel when they have a panic attack. Iím ok..., just emotionally fried I guess.


Last edited by Pax_luv; 08/11/19 12:08 PM.

Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2860961
08/11/19 01:22 PM
08/11/19 01:22 PM
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panic attacks vary in intensity in my experience. slight feeling of doom can be a precursor, but it's generally more not being able to breathe, feeling heaviness on your chest, sometimes heavy sweats, hyperventilating, it's an ugly process.

I'm sorry you woke up to that. try a soothing bath and a nap, if possible to re-set.
xoxoxo

yes, I get that sadness. my ex has never ever displayed any remorse for destroying our family. I'm an adult, I signed up for marriage knowing there is always a possibility a marriage will fail, but our son did NOT sign up for this and that's the part I have the hardest time with. I just did a 4th and 5th step on relationships and I see patterns imprinted on me from birth which lead me to making the choices I've made. Hopefully those patterns are now broken and the choices I make moving forward will be more in alignment with my true self, rather than with the old ways.

You may want to do some writing on relationships you've had to see what percolates out for you. xoxox not today tho. today you need to re-set and relax.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2862031
08/20/19 07:35 AM
08/20/19 07:35 AM
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Oh how things shift.
Itís late-around 12:30am and Iím just so exhausted.

Last month, my ex was trying to push this through as quickly as possible. And well... there was no peep.
Finally, they opened up with a settlement offer which is beyond anything comprehensible. I pay him, give him my retirement, he keeps house, all furniture, etc and heíll let me have the dog 2 days a month.

Obviously thatís bull. But Iím sooo tired. Iím soooo tired of this. I want this over so badly, but I feel like Iíll never get there. Iím not religious but I just have to pray and pray and pray that when this does get in front of the judge, sheíll be reasonable.... because I know we wonít find middle ground on our own.

I know Iím strong, but I canít take his bullying anymore. Oh my god..... I canít.
He was actually pleasant to me for 30 seconds the other day. I didnít read anything positive in it... and now I know why. He is beyond manipulative.

Somebody please smack me with harsh reality and tell me to trust the system and that the court has seen this many times. I have no faith right now.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2862052
08/20/19 12:52 PM
08/20/19 12:52 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
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Southern Maryland
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Pax,

The settlement that they are offering you is a bunch of BS. You have rights and you need to work w/your lawyer and stay the course. Sounds like he's had too much fairy dust blown into his face...the only way that he will get all that he is asking for is if you agree to the terms....don't do it!

Trust the system, know your rights and stick to them. Do not waffle one inch or he'll try to take everything from you. Stand firm. The bullying and manipulating will continue in order to try to break you down to say "enough, I'll give it all to you just to get you to go away". Don't do it!

Yes, the court systems have seen and continue to see a lot of this BS and the lawyers just eat it up because they can spot a MLCer a mile away...but you are the sane one and need to stand firm.

Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2862055
08/20/19 01:30 PM
08/20/19 01:30 PM
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honey i hope a good night's sleep has given you strength.
this is absolute BS as Job said. Dig deeper. Lean in. You can do this. Do NOT give this S.O.B. your future. He's already taken enough of your past and present.

love you girl. hang in there.
xxoxoo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2862101
08/20/19 05:43 PM
08/20/19 05:43 PM
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What does your lawyer say about all this? That's pretty ridiculous. You were married for 5 years - in most states, even if it's no-fault community property and he earned nothing and you were the primary breadwinner, the most he could get would be 2 1/2 years of alimony and half of joint property. Maybe part of a 401k if you have one but only related to contributions you made during those 5 years. What was HIS earning history during the marriage? Who paid the down payment and mortgage payments on the house?

Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2862691
08/25/19 01:25 AM
08/25/19 01:25 AM
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Took me a little bit to get back to center, but Iím mostly back. Thank you all for being the voice of reason. I desperately needed the input. Sometimes I need to lean on others to give me a reality check. I do still get sucked into his vortex sometimes.
My lawyer and I talked and he came up with our proposal which is VASTLY different and not on par with the direction ex wanted to go in so I do suspect it will all get settled out during the mandatory settlement. We havenít submitted it yet because my lawyer and I need to talk through some items.... he was incredibly fair and to the book. Which is good. Thereís literally not one cent over what it should be and zero inflated line items etc. Iím ok with it because itís reall... so weíll see what happens.

Anyway, I am feeling about 2 inches tall right now. And Iím sad/ hurt. When I Picked up my dog, ex was having a party and the women looked like they were straight out of real housewives of San Diego. Skinny, glam blondes like they were dressed for the race track or something. They were closer to his age so theyíre older..... but they have me feeling like a teeny tiny woman. I know Iím nNot supposed to say it but itís hard.... hereís little ole me trying to get by day to day. And there he is throwing parties with hot women and living it up. He even had my dog dressed up all cute. Wtf is that??? Iím the one that dresses my dog. Ok- I know my outlook isnít very becoming but Iím gonna allow my self to feel low for a moment.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2862715
08/25/19 10:38 AM
08/25/19 10:38 AM
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Massachusetts
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do not compare your insides to someone else's outside.

I'm glad you are mostly back to center. focus on your dog enjoy your time together.

As difficult as it is, try to put stbx and his activities out of your mind.

try to envision the life you want after this. it sounds like your lawyer is a good guy and good for you keeping it fair and reasonable.

you matter. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2862719
08/25/19 12:17 PM
08/25/19 12:17 PM
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North East US
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hugs Pax! ugh!

Miss blfy is right though.... it's all surface stuff.... all of it. Hope you feel better today.


Sun is shinin' in the sky
There ain't a cloud in sight
It's stopped rainin' everybody's in a play
And don't you know
It's a beautiful new day, hey hey
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