Funny, I was commenting on another thread about compatibility, and about the two most compatible guys I'd dated since my divorce (both of whom were Love Avoidants though and ultimately not available).
Sorry for the hijack juju and this may be obvious and self-evident, but what made them unavailable? Would they simply not go out with you again? Or as often as you'd like? What was missing? I ask because you say you don't want to get married again and don't need soneone everyday, it sounds like either of these guys might have been a good fit / unless it was them breaking it off rather than you wanting more than they could give.
I agree with KML on the meet ups. It's not like you have to attend every event. You can just attent one here and there. Why not, juju?
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I might keep an eye out for some meet up groups. I had forgotten about them and I never actually tried one. I had my eye on a indoor rock climbing one but they always met on evenings I had to work. My brother joined a meet up group that visited different donut shops in his area. That sounded like a fun bunch. Not too many quirky ones in my areas though. I have some good ideas , but no time to organize.
I see they have single nights hosted by the meetup groups. I would feel kind of weird attending one of these by myself. Kind of like being the new kid walking into the cafeteria at lunch but different. I think a pre arranged date via OLD is easier and less awkward no? It’s harder for me to socialize in group sessions. I’m better one on one with someone.
Anyone here try this? What did you think?
Are love avoidant more like friends with benefits?
Don, t Love Avoidant is a type that feels overwhelmed at the thought of a real relationship and has to keep everyone at arms length. Sometimes they grew up with an overwhelming parent and they fear being engulfed in a relationship. In both these guys cases, I think it was more that they had suffered traumatic losses in the past and used distance as a way to feel safe from the risk of incurring that pain again.
The first guy dumped me when his long list childhood and high school love found him. She predates the trauma in his life and I think nostalgia for that time played a big role. She doesn't seem to have gotten much more from him than I did though. They are still together 8 years later but it's still long distance, looks like she still travels to him not vice versa, looks like she only sees him every couple of months.
The second guy told me up front that he didn't "do" relationships so it was always a casual thing. I stopped seeing him when I took up with crazy ex BF, although he would occasionally text or call me during those years, just as a friend. Dated him briefly again before CMM but he disappeared shortly before I met CMM and haven't heard from him since. I worry about him because I know he suffers from depressive episodes but he hasn't returned texts or calls. I don't know any of his friends to check on him and short of driving to his city and parking outside his security building and watching for him to appear - which I wouldn't do - I really have no way to check on him. But an item mailed to his condo was not returned to sender and no obituary has appeared so I assume he is alive and has just crawled into his cave for whatever reason.
Obviously neither were compatible from the standpoint of me preferring one steady monogamous partner. But they were both very intellectually compatible and I greatly enjoyed their company.
So this was a rough week. Sons adhd behaviors were pretty rough. In some ways he acts so immature...non stop talking at full volume. Getting really silly for attention or just to hear himself talk. I lost my temper yesterday and feel horrible. But in other ways he is so smart and profound.
Son is 8 now and before we go to bed is when he has serious conversations with me. Tonight, He was telling me how he feels like he is the glue between 2 families. And how if he died or if something happened to him, neither family would be families with each other any more and this really bothered him. He told me if something happens to him, he wants me to get back with his father. He actually told me that he knows I won’t be able to trust him in the beginning but I would have to give it a long time. Like longer then before. He tells me he talks about this with another boy whose grandparents divorced and got back together. I tell him that it will not happen for his dad and I and he says “I know”
He also was upset that he wasn’t strong enough glue to keep us together. He kept saying that. And I feel bad that he recognizes that he wasn’t enough to make his Dad fight for our marriage. He does know his dad left me. He knows I did not want to divorce and that I disagree with divorce.
I feel so bad that he has to deal with this. Me and my siblings never had to go through this. It’s really hard on him to love me and want to be with me but also want to see his dad. It must be hard to have 2 separate families.
When he gets older, addiction issues will possibly come up. They are already teaching them about drugs. But am I gonna have to keep his dads issues a secret from him. If he knows will he be more likely or less likely to try them? Addiction is hereditary and it’s a disease. Does he have the right to know what I know. How will that effect him? Will not knowing make it worse? Drugs and alcohol are so bad that they make people act in ways that hurt their kids instead of he wasn’t worth working on a marriage.
What do I say to him?
Last night he asked me about Santa. Kept asking me to tell him the truth. I told him there was a real st Nicholas at one time. But it’s kind of like god. We don’t really know but I am the one who puts the presents under the tree. He told me “the joy of Christmas is real and that’s what matters”
I can speak to the addiction issues. I knew growing up my mother was an addict. She went to rehab twice. Second time when I was 8. I knew she had a drug addiction. I was there for her 90 day narcotics anonymous meeting where she got her coin.
Knowing what I knew, I knew I did not want to do drugs. ( I don’t consider pot a drug, but that’s a whole other debate) but I was very careful my whole life in touching anything. I never did anything more than drink or smoke weed. You are raising your son and you are raising him well. I wouldn’t bring it up. But if it ever did come up, honesty is good and something to learn from.
I am so so sorry your son feels like he wasn’t strong enough to keep you and your ex together. That’s not his job. That’s on his dad. Your son just sounds so emotionally intelligent . You are doing such a good job raising him, I think he will be just fine.
I don’t consider pot a drug, but that’s a whole other debate.
It sure is and it sure is. We can certainly debate if it's harmful, how harmful it is, if it's useful, for what, when and how much. Certainly all of that is up for debate. But if it's a drug or not????? You're a nurse for crying out loud. Certainly you know it meets criteria to be classified as a drug.
Rationalization really is one of the strongest human drives.
Juju your son is clearly very wise. It's so common and uncanny for kids to blame themselves for things that happen. I don't think many of us realize how common this is. Please reassure your son that he was not the glue and is still not. Reassure him that everything that went on would have happened even in his absence. Please let him know he is in no way responsible for any of it.
As for addiction and heredity, you are correct about all you state. However has your ex h addiction ever been confirmed? I know that you strongly suspect but has he ever been diagnosed or do you have actual proof? If so, later in life, likely teen years, telling S that addiction runs in the family may be prudent - but only if confimred that it really does. And yes, pot very much does count.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
1. 5 years of credit cards showed he purchased from 3 different liquor stores every one week and averaged between 250 and 350 per month. I also found times that I remembered we were on vacation and he told me he was going for a drive to see a mountain and really it was a liquor store.
2. He didn’t wake up in the morning to alarms blaring.
3. ATM withdrawals for 3 years back showed he was leaving work at really weird times of the day and driving to bad neighborhoods sometimes an hour from his job to withdraw 700 dollars a week. That’s in addition to 100 dollars a day.
4. He had depleted his IRA and had credit card debt that made no sense. He had just been paying off the minimum for years.
5. I found tons of empty jack daniels bottles (12 to 15) in his desk and my parents found a bunch hidden in the trash. I actually took pictures and showed it privately to our marriage counselor and she told me she didn’t think he was an addict. Just that he was using alcohol as a crutch because of our marital problems. I also showed it to his mom who told me that he always liked to collect bottles. I tried to tell her later about the money so that if there were problems she could stage an intervention but she didn’t want to get involved and my guess was scared about custody loss (he didn’t want much custody but I don’t know if she knows that)
6. I confronted him and he admitted to a drinking problem. I asked him to take a drug test and he declined. He told me that if marijuana showed up I would use it against him ( I would not have cared about marijuana) . He asked me what drugs I thought he was taking and I told him coke. And he laughed at me and said with his heart issues?? And then told me if I mandate testing he could lose his job.
If you ever met him, or saw him you would never ever think he was an addict. He comes across and humble and responsible. He has a really great professional job. He is super smart. Went to top schools. Well dressed. Drives a luxury car.
When I first met him when we were in our early 20/ he didn’t even like to drink (liked pot). Round time son was born I noticed he would drink at night and just thought it was a night cap. He would be up till really late like 3 or 4 and would tell me it worked better that way with work and dealing with clients in different time zones. I also remember once when we first started dating that a friend of mine told me he did coke and I asked him and he said he just tried it. So I believed him. I experimented in my youth as well (not with coke). I do remember that right before son was born he had a back injury that needed surgery and it mysteriously went a way the week before his surgery. So maybe he was taking pain meds.
So I don’t have actual proof like an admiral or drug tests. Just this info. We kept separate credit cards and bank accounts and I just trusted that he was saving like me.
He was always a late riser and his mother backed up that he had been like that his whole life so I just thought it was some sort of sleep disorder. I thought he had ocd issues (which his mother also told me) and that’s why he was always in the bathroom or couldn’t leave the house. It would take him forever to actually just get out of the house.
I was also really overwhelmed with son and work and I am disorganized and probably have adhd as well so it was really easy for him to deflect my money questions.
$700 a week cash in bad neighborhoods - oh yeah, probably coke or heroin (causes a lot of GI problems). I can;t believe your marriage counselor was so obtuse!
So it’s been a while. Nothing eventful to really post. I’m kind of on a plateau in life. No conflict or issues, which is good.
I’m feeling the desire to get back out there and date again. I would like to have someone to share my life with and talk to and think about.
I want to put a dating profile back up, but I’m gonna be super busy the next couple of weekends so I should probably wait. I think it’s safer to go with a paid for site then a free one? Maybe it weeds out people that are not really serious - although I heard that often time, the same men I would meet that sign up for the paid also sign up for the one you don’t have to pay for so I could potentially save 20 bucks a month doing the free one?
I have been reading some of the profiles (both men and women) to see what’s out there. Very few people put out unique profiles. They all kind of say the same thing. And then others write that they are not spending time writing up a big profile - as the only way to know if you will like someone is by meeting them. Which is true too. Someone could just be a really good writer or have a friend that’s a really good writer. But a hood profile hooks me more then good pics do. Ugh. I’m gonna have to start collecting recent pics of myself too. I always worry that people at work or patients are gonna recognize me from an OLD site as well. I feel embarrassed.
I did it once before but met someone super quick and never went out on more then 2 meetups. So it will still be new to me.
