Something there is that doesn't love a wall...

[Gordie]

2x job

It might be a lot for him to consider

Maybe write it down as a backup

[OneArt]

I really feel that he is trying to drive me crazy. As with the request for what days he wants to see S (which he has not answered), he waited two days to respond. The response was friendly, warm, and colloquial. No sign of the formal, Elizabethan English that has often punctuated his correspondence with me. He referred to us "getting together". I am shocked by this, shocked that he would use this language to refer to us meeting at this point in time. While he said we could do it next week, he gave no indication of when, what his availability is, or where, thus ensuring that I will have to contact him yet again, and wait yet again for a response, likely only to be told that he is unavailable. Since I don't have the tax docs in hand, I don't think I can push for the date yet. I just find this frustrating and his ping ponging all over the place exhausting. I feel as though I am dealing with 10 different personalities.

[DnJ]

Hello OneArt

Your agitation is jumping right off the page. H is stuck, and therefore you believe you are as well. The house is a pivotal point in all of this, the sale of it necessary for you and him.

I do believe you are correct he requires you to lead any conversations regarding “adult” business, the house sale definitely qualifies. However, his is afraid of any conversation. So, going at this directly will most likely push him into hiding.

I do wonder about the need to get out of limbo. House? Price? Market falling? Fear?

You do know your situation best.

To me you need to lead a conversation without discussing it, to keep H from being afraid. Ask him questions, then tell him what to do. No real conversation, just getting the information and direction to him.

Maybe: H, can you tell me what the house is worth? Perhaps he gets you the answer. Thank you, I would like to get my half so I can move to be close to D. (See if he responds) H, how do I go about doing that?

A question he can answer, then a direction and statement of your desired action. No real conversation. Nothing about the reasons, just the result. An irrational person might even be able to follow along with a plan that way, especially if he is the one who answered, and crafted it.

Just a few ideas. I find getting buy in is necessary for success.

DnJ

[OneArt]

DnJ, I feel like you got me on this one. He doesn't do direct. He runs in fear and hides. Now he is hiding behind niceness instead of nastiness. Why? Just when I get used to one face, he shows another.

[OneArt]

Alright, now I know he is trying to drive me crazy. About a week ago I saw that there was a charge for a magazine on our joint credit card (which he has not used for 2 years and which I pay). This was unquestionably his magazine and does not come to my house. I figured it was probably an auto renew (and the bank has purged the bills from a year ago so I couldn't check). Just now, I see that a few days ago he charged a donation to a political campaign for a candidate running in 2020 (most definitely his candidate so not an accident). Why is he suddenly charging things to this card after 2 years? Is this another of his creepy ways to get me to contact him or start a fight? It is $150 in all. Probably not worth making a stink over, but what's next?

[job]

OneArt,

I am not walking in your shoes, but I would certainly get rid of that "joint" charge card. If you don't, he's going to be racking up more charges. If you want to stop him from using the joint card, call the credit card company and report that you have misplaced the card and require them to move the balance to a new account number. When the cards come, don't give him a card. If you don't, you will be seeing more and more charges coming in.

He could very well feel comfortable in charging up stuff on that card and also could be doing it to see if you are going to say something about it. Either way, you will be the one paying the bill unless you have an understanding w/him that he pays all of his charges.

In my opinion, I think he likes to keep you off balance. Why? That way he doesn't have to deal w/adult responsibilities and be accountable for what he says or does. He knows that if he can get you to focus on other things, you may not think about having that adult discussion w/him about the house and divorce. Don't take his bait! Keep your focus on what you need to do to have that discussion w/him and continue to move forward, i.e., whether a divorce is in the cards or not. When you do talk to him, I like DNJ's suggestion on how to approach the subject. I would also keep your points short and sweet and no long talks because his attention span is that of a gnat.

I to think he's afraid to let go of your apron strings and learn how to walk on his own and he is doing everything humanly possible to keep you right where he left you.

[DnJ]

Good Morning OneArt

Alright, now I know he is trying to drive me crazy.

Perhaps.

I am not sure you can really know his true motives when he may not even know them himself.

Are you being driven crazy by him?

Hmmm. Not quite accurate.

Are you being driven crazy by his actions and behaviour?

Hmmm. Closer.

Are you making yourself crazy by focusing on his actions and behaviour?

Why is he suddenly charging things to this card after 2 years? Is this another of his creepy ways to get me to contact him or start a fight?

Again. Perhaps.

Expectations dear friend. And negative ones at that.

Yes, his sudden credit card useage does look suspicious. Is it an effort to get to you. Maybe. Maybe not.

If it is, why do you think it is negative. You and he are somewhat getting along. His language useage is different (than expected ), so something is most likely going on with or within him.

He has reached out lately as well. All this is going to take a toll on him; he is well out of his comfortable zone. So he might be trying to start a fight,he might just be buying a magazine, he might be trying to reach out to you to see what you will do.

Drop the expectations. Stop making yourself worked up. His behaviour is not making you agitated, your response to him is.

If you have negative and low expectation, I guarantee he will meet and live up to them.

I have taken today off, and in one and half hours D16 will be performing in our local piano recital. I have no expectations as to STBXW attending. She said she would, so I’ll see. What will she be wearing? Expectation at zero. Which means it could be anything from a gothic teenager, a chicken outfit, short shorts and a bra, to a normal women of 47. My own problilities put the normal 47 year old woman clothing as the least likely, chicken outfit slightly ahead of that.

As to her actually showing up. For a while my own negative wishes and ideas were, I hope not. No expectations there, but I didn’t like the negative outlook. So 180. I do hope she shows up. Bring OM if she wants. I will talk to her if she leads that way. She has no power over me anymore. I choose to take the high road and will see how this day goes. I have no expectations of anything, it is a bit strange when compared to last year.

You are correct $150 is not worth making a stink over. You know you can control you, and only you. Two parts there.

You can’t control H. Trying to figure out or guess his next move is exhausting.

You can control you. Are you exercising that control? If these two transactions are really driving you crazy then ask him about them, or accept he can do that and let it go.

Your assumption that he is maybe trying to start a fight, could very well be. He could also be trying to start a peace, and really is out of his depth. He just wants to talk, maybe. I don’t know, but I can see what you are expecting.

Control. Find out what is going on, if you choose to. Then behave accordingly. Btw, no matter which way he is actually going, I think your response is, or should be, more or less the same. That may highlight the importantance of knowing his motives, vs knowing yourself.

(((Hugs)))

I’ll let you know how today goes. I have expectations I will do fine, well awesome actually. That is an expectation I know I can meet. Those are the goals and expectations I focus on.

DnJ

[DnJ]

I didn’t see job’s post while typing. I agree with her practical advice regarding the credit card, and all the other advice and suggestions too. That gal has her head screwed on really well.

[peacetoday]

I also agree with the others

I would get rid of the joint account -pay it and let it go-
He probably wont bring that up anyway-

It is not easy going through all this the ping pong, his sudden niceness then distance and crazy behaviors
This is a difficult situation and you have been doing excellent all this time-

maybe take a few steps back
while you gather the tax stuff and get clarity on the upcoming conversation
visualize what you want--your best outcome and just think about that for a few days -b4 any talk-

I would continue to work on you
gaining more clarity

working on getting centered-however you do that

I use yoga-meditation, and listen to uplifting speakers-everyone has their way
make that be your priority for now and let the thoughts of him go-
wish him the best

see if you can get close and hear your inner peaceful wisdom, your intuition
you have all the answers already
follow it-

By letting go- you will get the balance you need and nothing he does will affect you-
at least that is the hope

[OneArt]

DnJ, yes lots and lots of agitation. I get it. I get it now why this is so hard. You see patterns and behaviors and then you expect they will proceed in a linear fashion and they don't. You get unsettled, scared, and impatient and you think it is time to charge ahead, but really it is time to pull way, way back. I know the warnings about expectations. I thought I was on guard. But it doesn't hit you in the way you think it will. You think it means you will have expectations about wanting them to come back, but really you are all over the place. Wanting them to come back, terrified they will, seeing positive actions, and seeing negative ones (no contact with S for a week now). Peace summed it up perfectly: "It is not easy going through all this the ping pong, his sudden niceness then distance and crazy behaviors."

Job, I didn't consider that. I can see that he could use this chaos to keep me unsettled and to prevent me from moving forward with confidence. I can also see, as DnJ says that he is just trying to open a dialog and he doesn't know a less disordered way to do it. Either way, I need to move forward with confidence, on my agenda, focusing on the parts I control and letting the other parts go.

Peace, thank you, thank you, thank you! Yes I need to find my center and come back into myself. I think I will do some walking and listening to a new book. I will leave the house and go out and do some things with friends and have some people over. I will pull into my self, but also reach out.

On the credit card thing. My situation has been very different than most (recognizing that things could change). Mine has a high income and is cheap, cheap, cheap. All of the signs of his cheapness are still there. This card has a $30k credit limit. I have two other cards in my name only and some store cards. I don't have balances on any of these cards. With my bank, I can order how the accounts come up. I have the joint card set up so I see the balance every time I log on. Since the balance should be zero, I immediately check every time it isn't. I log on frequently because of OD (and my daughter who tends to burn through her monthly money-something I'm working on).

My lawyer drilled into my head that divorce destroys credit. She advised me to use the joint card if he ever messes with money again. It is, in essence, a line of credit for me. If I close it, then I don't have that. If I remove him, the limit drops. If I don't have this account, I have no recourse if he stops paying other than motions in court, which will take 60-90 days.

I'm certain that his use of this card was not about needing money, and was only about provoking some kind of communication (or like Happy Again, testing that I would not explode). Now that I think about it, had he wanted to make me mad, he would have used the card to buy a gun, or alcohol, renew his OLD account, or take some woman out to eat or on vacation. He didn't. He bought a science magazine subscription and donated to a political candidate (the same one I will vote for). I do think this was about wanting communication. My guess, now that I reached out to organize a meeting (which had nothing to do with these charges or the alcohol discussion with S--but he doesn't know that), he will not need the crazy stuff to catch my attention.

I'm not going to agonize too much about this discussion. It may not happen. I want it to be organic and give him the chance to say what we wants. I will lead the parts of it as DnJ suggests on the topics of concern to me. I'm going to let him contact me. He needs the taxes to be filed jointly (I don't). He will come at some point. He will either come with a mind to sell or he won't. He will either work with me on the agreement, or he won't. I'll be fine either way. I just need to remember that. Nothing is different today.

I'm going to keep my eyes moving forward and try to ignore the bombs he is setting off in my peripheral vision. The one thing I can proudly report, is that he has not seen my crazy cycling. The only contact he has had from me is the dates that S is available and a request to discuss the sale of the house and sign the taxes. No follow up emails, no calls, just those two.