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A Message from Michele
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Persistent Endurance (Part 2) #2842502
03/19/19 03:44 AM
03/19/19 03:44 AM
Joined: Mar 2019
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curtis7 Offline OP
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Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16
PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18
PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19
R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20
W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
Re: Persistent Endurance (Part 2) [Re: curtis7] #2842503
03/19/19 03:45 AM
03/19/19 03:45 AM
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curtis7 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by curtis7
Are there examples of others that have taken this step and were successful in having their W reconcile?
I am not sure if steve85 did this, but I believe he said he would now.

I'm going to sleep on this. If she is staying with divorced BFF all week, then I've got some time to get the boxes packed.


Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16
PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18
PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19
R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20
W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
Re: Persistent Endurance (Part 2) [Re: curtis7] #2842519
03/19/19 12:01 PM
03/19/19 12:01 PM
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SteveLW Online
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by curtis7
Are there examples of others that have taken this step and were successful in having their W reconcile?
I am not sure if steve85 did this, but I believe he said he would now.


My sitch was quite different. But yes, if my WW had been making plans to see OM I would absolutely take this step. While legally you can't get her out of the house, you can kick her out of the MBR.


M(51), W(52),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Persistent Endurance (Part 2) [Re: curtis7] #2842532
03/19/19 01:27 PM
03/19/19 01:27 PM
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LH19 Offline
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C,

Removing her from the MB and packing her stuff for her shows her that you know what is going on and you are not going to sit back and accept that your W is sleeping with other men.

I would also contact a lawyer and see that since your W is staying with her friend for the week if you can file abandonment charges which you can use in the divorce settlement.

There is a saying around here that things need get get worse before they get better.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Persistent Endurance (Part 2) [Re: curtis7] #2842534
03/19/19 01:37 PM
03/19/19 01:37 PM
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by curtis7
I understand the mentality and packing her stuff is a definite 180. I refer back to my notes from Divorce Remedy. Michele recommended that we keep the following question in mind, "Is what I'm about to do going to bring me closer or bring farther away from my goal?" Michele also says timing is everything and you must be patient.

Are there examples of others that have taken this step and were successful in having their W reconcile?


Curtis, basically what you have is a woman who no longer considers herself married to you. She feels that she can behave however she wants with whoever she wants whenever she wants and it is none of your business. The extent of your involvement in her life is how much she can take advantage of you to help pay the bills or babysit. You are so caught up in the post-BD fog that you actually think this is someone you want to reconcile with. You need to hear and understand this- YOUR OLD W IS GONE. She's been body-snatched by this lying cheater. Your goal should not be to reconcile, it should be to create distance with this monster and rebuild your life, with the hopes that some day she will change and maybe reconciling will be an option then. But man she has a long way to fall before that time.

As for your question, read TXHubby's threads, he had a lying cheating W that he spent months trying to placate and it drove him to the brink of a heart attack or nervous breakdown. He finally got sick and tired of being a patsy and went full man-mode and shut down on her and truly GAL'd and quit caring ANYTHING about her. He didn't care what she did, who with, etc. She wasn't even worth saying "good morning" to anymore. She suddenly realized what she was losing, snapped out of it and literally begged him to take her back. So yes, the tough love approach has led to recon for some. But here's the thing- you can't fake it. You can't pretend to want to kick her out while secretly fretting and chewing your fingernails over it because she will see right through it. You have to want her gone with every fiber of your being. So my advice, don't pack up her stuff because you are not there yet. Instead, focus on you. Work on you. Quit focusing on your lying, cheating W and leave her to the mess she's making. At some point the scales will fall from your eyes and you will see who she is now rather than who she used to be, and THEN you will be ready to boot her the hell out.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Persistent Endurance (Part 2) [Re: curtis7] #2842538
03/19/19 01:42 PM
03/19/19 01:42 PM
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SteveLW Online
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Yes. Listen LH. Do not be paralyzed by fear. One of the most eye-opening awakenings I had was the realization that I had already lost her. I was fearing losing her, until then. If your W is lying, meeting and sleeping with OM. Staying away for a week at a time. She's already gone! Once you realize that then these actions people are suggesting become logical.

Please have a consultation with a lawyer. That was one of the most empowering actions I took in my sitch. And it made it real for my WW when she found out about it.

Protect your kids first. Yourself next. And the marriage third.


M(51), W(52),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Persistent Endurance (Part 2) [Re: curtis7] #2842539
03/19/19 01:44 PM
03/19/19 01:44 PM
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SteveLW Online
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As usual AS is spot on!! Curtis no one is saying this stuff is easy. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy!


M(51), W(52),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Persistent Endurance (Part 2) [Re: AnotherStander] #2842543
03/19/19 02:09 PM
03/19/19 02:09 PM
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curtis7 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander

Curtis, basically what you have is a woman who no longer considers herself married to you. She feels that she can behave however she wants with whoever she wants whenever she wants and it is none of your business. The extent of your involvement in her life is how much she can take advantage of you to help pay the bills or babysit. You are so caught up in the post-BD fog that you actually think this is someone you want to reconcile with. You need to hear and understand this- YOUR OLD W IS GONE.

As for your question, read TXHubby's threads.

AS, she hasn’t considered herself married in 4 months. She has shown this in her words and actions. As the LBH, it is so easy to view the WW for what she was and not what she is now. I think it is causes less pain for us in that respect because we like to cling to hope that our loving W will return.

I see that she has so much farther to fall before she could possibly realize what she is losing.

I will read TXHubby’s story.


Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16
PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18
PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19
R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20
W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
Re: Persistent Endurance (Part 2) [Re: curtis7] #2842572
03/19/19 05:55 PM
03/19/19 05:55 PM
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by curtis7

AS, she hasn’t considered herself married in 4 months. She has shown this in her words and actions. As the LBH, it is so easy to view the WW for what she was and not what she is now. I think it is causes less pain for us in that respect because we like to cling to hope that our loving W will return.


Yup you are quite correct on that! And I am most certainly not defending her actions. She IS married, and her behavior as a married woman who swore an oath to her husband is disgusting and reprehensible. I'm just saying that in her foggy wayward mind she has convinced herself that what she is doing it OK.

Quote
I will read TXHubby’s story.


Steve is a great DB'er and his story is an excellent read too, he had one of the fastest turnarounds of anyone here. I point you to TXHubby though because his W was really, really far gone like yours is. Like to a point that it looked like there was no return. I have a friend whose W was like that too, she went wayward and decided she was done. She was super angry and spewing and ran off and shacked up with an OM. They sold their home, sold their business, split things up and he didn't talk to her at all for nearly 2 years. That's how long it took for her to come out of her fog and start missing him again. They started talking, then going out, now they are reconciled and very happy together (it's been 4 or 5 years I think). He didn't know a thing about DB'ing, but he knew enough not to beg/ plead/ negotiate and instead just let her go.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Persistent Endurance (Part 2) [Re: curtis7] #2842574
03/19/19 05:58 PM
03/19/19 05:58 PM
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"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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