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Curtis, your mistake isn't boundary related. It is being around so much for all of it. Stay busy!! Get the child care schedule in place and then every minute that isn't your time with the kids is spent out some where. You're struggling with what she is doing because you are around hey too much. I know close proximity intuitively feels like being in control. But how is that working for you

Do not use boundaries as a way of trying to control her to do or not do what what you want or don't want her to do. Plus you have no way to enforce it. A boundary without consequences make you look weak and unattractive.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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curtis7 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
C,

She is slowly putting you in the friend zone and that is a place you don't want to be.


Yes, I see this happening often now. She is treating me like a friend when she wants some favor for herself. Iím tired of being taken advantage of to enable her WW behavior.


Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16
PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18
PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19
Ríville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20
W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
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Originally Posted by sandi2
He would also say, ILY, just to pressure me into saying it back.


I haven't said ILY since December, learned that one and stuck by it from early on, from that standpoint, I am in good shape.

Originally Posted by sandi2
As the LBH, you see all those positive people that could be a wonderful support system for her......but she doesn't want it. Once the WW steps over that line of betrayal, she will distant herself from anyone who does not agree with her choices. The BFF is a strong, negative influence. Women can be very influenced by another female. If you W already had the mindset for waywardness, then making friends with the BFF was like the perfect storm. IRL, I have witnessed women leaving their H to join some single female in a lifestyle that resembles Girls Gone Wild. It's crazy, and when that woman finally comes to her senses and sees the reality around her, it's heartbreaking to see what she sacrificed.


Yes, I do believe that someday she will realize the wave of destruction that her choices have caused. I hope that I can stand strong enough to ride it out before either her or I decide enough is enough.

Originally Posted by sandi2
She is not the girl you married. The more you try to force her into that mold, the worse she's going to treat you. The more you try to convince her the M can work, the worse her behavior will get b/c she feels she has to prove that she's done. She wants you to back off and just let her live however she chooses.


Not the girl I married or the woman I've known for the past 18 years, cannot be understated any more than you know. It is true that she is an alien to me. I never thought it possible to believe my partner that has always been there for me could flip into an unrecognizable personality that has almost no care for me whatsoever.

Originally Posted by sandi2

Her behavior at the games are indicative of a wife/mother who is not truly emotionally involved with her family. She's simply trying to "go through the motions" at the moment, but don't be surprised if she starts missing more and more games. We can't make the other spouse be a good parent.


Well stated, her priority is herself right now. All selfish desires trump anything else. When someone or something impedes what she is pursuing, there is no hesitation in stepping over or on it to get what she wants.

Last edited by curtis7; 03/17/19 03:47 AM.

Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16
PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18
PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19
Ríville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20
W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Originally Posted by curtis7
I asked how she felt about that and essentially carried on a validation convo.
Lulz. From now on you can just call them conversations. Try doing it with women in the workplace, or your mom or sister. See how the react as opposed to you just telling them how to fix things.

I've been practicing this with several women over the past few months. I've noticed they are much more open to continue the conversation and open up about their feelings when I validate and actively listen. I must admit, this is not a characteristic I was highly proficient in previously and rather was eager to offer solutions to problems.


Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16
PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18
PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19
Ríville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20
W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change

Learn to listen without judgement.

R2C, I've got this down. It's been weeks since I've judged her words or actions. I am there for her to support her in conversations, but pass no judgment nor offer suggestions to fix her problems. Just a strong support structure that hopefully she continues to appreciate and rely on more over time.


Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16
PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18
PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19
Ríville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20
W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Curtis, your mistake isn't boundary related. It is being around so much for all of it. Stay busy!! Get the child care schedule in place and then every minute that isn't your time with the kids is spent out some where. You're struggling with what she is doing because you are around way too much. I know close proximity intuitively feels like being in control. But how is that working for you?

Steve, this one is tough, because I'm concerned the kids are being neglected when I'm not around due to all of her screen time.

Today, when she continued on with the dating apps on her phone. I went to Lowe's early afternoon to buy some supplies for a home improvement project that I had planned. When I returned, I spent the remainder of the day working outside on running wires and installing exterior LED lights. She texted me at 6:30pm stating that she was invited to a female co-workers house to hang out for the night. I replied, "So, you're taking the kids?" She replied she wasn't planning to but could check. She replied the other woman's kids where with their grandparents and said she didn't want to take ours. I didn't respond. Eventually at 8pm, and just before I came in the house after sunset, she texted "Heading out, be back later." Again, I didn't respond. Was this the right move?

Again, I feel taken advantage of being the babysitter for our kids with her cake eating. I don't really know if she is going to see he co-worker friend or hanging out with one of her new dating app hookups.

I must say that one thing I've noticed over the past few months is that when she is active around the house, then she generally meets up with one of the OM later in the evening. For instance, today she vacuumed the entire house, did laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, and grilled steak before heading out. Maybe this is her way of justifying her WW behavior in her mind that it is more acceptable from a morality perspective.


Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16
PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18
PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19
Ríville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20
W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
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It isn't babysitting if its your own kids. Its called being their dad. If you are concerned about your kids well-being in her care then you need to talk to a lawyer.

Yes I you handled her texting alright.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
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Originally Posted by curtis7
Weekends in the same house with her are hard. I repeatedly hear alert notifications coming into her phone indicating a new message on the dating app. I donít know why she doesnít turn off the chime. She immediately goes to her phone and carries on.

It is sheer disrespect to be chatting up these OM right in front of me. So far into waywardness that she feels no shame.

How do others handle this type of situation? Are there any boundaries that I should think about setting? Or just ignore as best as possible until she moves out in a few weeks?


If you pay the phone bill, one boundary you can do is cancel her phone. Be prepared for an angry outbust. Then calmly explain why is is not appropriate to use family money to enable her infidelity.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change

If you pay the phone bill, one boundary you can do is cancel her phone. Be prepared for an angry outbust. Then calmly explain why is is not appropriate to use family money to enable her infidelity.

Last week she removed herself from our AT&T account to change carriers to Cricket Wireless. This was actually good for me because it removed the temptation of logging into see the records of who she was texting and calling. Of course, family money is still being used to pay for the new phone and carrier...

She also told me once a month ago or so when I caught her sexting and took her phone to read some of the messages that if I ever touched her phone again that she would break my fingers. Granted she was in a fit of rage from being exposed and violated, but the addiction and hold that device has on her in living out her fantasy is unreal. From what I read, the chemical sections that it can elicit are similar to a cocaine or heroin addiction. So, couple that with the dopamine and serotonin high of affairs and this condition is a monster to combat.


Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16
PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18
PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19
Ríville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20
W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
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C,

What is the status of her moving out? The quicker she moves out the better.

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