M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
You are a fighter my dear friend. Keep that fight!
There´s a lot of advices here RR. We are all trying to help. Maybe everyone of us have different views of any sitch. Just take it as that. We are not objects here, we are subjects and we carry that subjectivity inside. It´s YOUR fight and we all respect that. As I said, we are only trying to help.
Whatever decision you make, we´ll share OUR feelings with you here and try to give a hand.
Originally Posted by RR17
I will stay until I believe it is useless. I'm not there yet.
so we´ll be here with you, standing by.
(((((RR)))))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
3) We can also challenge advice that doesn't make sense.
“Every great story on the planet happened when someone decided not to give up, but kept going no matter what.”
Spryte Loriano
Yes. However, a couple of things. First, the posters here only have the details that are shared by folks in their sitches. Second, I would encourage all posters here to challenge in a kind way. It is so easy to be unkind on the internet, we see in all forums and all spaces. Remember, the people trying to help are coming from a place of trying to be helpful.
We are all rooting for you RR!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
“Every great story on the planet happened when someone decided not to give up, but kept going no matter what.” Spryte Loriano
RR, I am all for you not giving up. Just so you know that if you were to separate that doesn't necessarily mean you were giving up. What I do know is if you keep doing what you are doing you are more then likely going to keep getting what you've been getting.
Now correct me if I am wrong, but in your sitch you guys seem to get along great, do things together, watch shows together and then at some point you will initiate or bring up intimacy. She will reject you and then you distance yourself from her. In the past she has indicated that she thought you only wanted her for sex and in essence when you distance yourself from her you are just proving her point. Again now correct me if I am wrong here.
I have personal experience in trying to soften a harden heart and have come to the conclusion that in MOST cases time and space are the only thing that can accomplish this task. With time people in general tend to remember the good times as opposed to the bad times. In time most people realize the grass is not greener on the other side.
One of the factors that is keeping me from saying that you she definitely separate is your ages. If you were 10 years younger I would say it was your best option. It's very uncommon to see people here on this board in their mid 50's. Mainly because I believe at that point most people are just looking for security and companionship and have accepted that their partners are who they are and will not change.
Lastly, I have always encouraged you to have a loving conversation with your wife letting her know that you will not live in a sexless marriage and that she has a choice on whether she wants to stay together and work on it. I know you have indicated that you did that but you left the consequences unclear and open. For it to be effective you have to clearly state your terms (boundary) and if your terms are rejected the consequences start immediately. You pursue a separation/divorce. The key is it can't be a threat you have to act on it. You HAVE to be willing to walk because I am guessing you won't get the answer you want and she will test you.
Now correct me if I am wrong, but in your sitch you guys seem to get along great, do things together, watch shows together and then at some point you will initiate or bring up intimacy. She will reject you and then you distance yourself from her. In the past she has indicated that she thought you only wanted her for sex and in essence, when you distance yourself from her you are just proving her point. Again now correct me if I am wrong here.
My only correction is that when she said that, she was referring to years ago. Time and abstinence should have cleared this up. When I got rejected and pulled back it was more because of these instances lead to an R talk. What the W said caused me to pull back, not the rejection its self. I believe she realizes this point.
As for the rest of your post, I can't disagree.
From the beginning, I have pondered creating more space. DBing, as well as others, have advised not moving out. I am not afraid of what would happen. In fact, early on W had suggested that I do, so that she could have time to decide if she wanted to try to work it out. I refused and suggested she move out.
As for a loving conversation, we had this conversation and I told her that I would be out by the end of this year. Yea, I know it wasn't immediate and didn't have the same impact. But W knows that I am the type that keeps his word. I may wait for the right moment and remind her.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
FWIW, I spoke to a female friend yesterday that has been married for 35 years. A long time considering she is 53. She told me she has gone through "Funks" that have lasted nearly a year. She said that she was ready to move out only to eventually snap out of it. I asked her how her H responded. She said he was consistent and did his own thing. Not reacting to his irrational W.
Anyway, I thought it was interesting.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
For those that like to occupy themselves during trying times with a book that helps them in their individual sitchs. I have found and am about 3/4 of the way through a very interesting and what I believe will be very helpful book call: Never Split The Difference-Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It, by Chris Voss. Voss was top FBI hostage negotiator and besides who doesn't sometimes feel like the stranger that they married has at times taken their life hostage? lol Through stories of actual negotiations with everything from terrorists to domestic partners, he explains how to de-escalate and get the other person to team up on solutions. Very interesting stuff. As well as entertaining. It is not manipulative, IMO, not any more than any other principle in DB. They are simply tools and techniques to navigate sometimes tense and combative moments. Check out some of his videos where he touches on some of the techniques.
Anyway, I just wanted to share for those looking to expand their toolbox.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
About the same. I have been focused on other things. Sometimes it is time to wait. Marriage is not what it should be and not bad enough to leave.
In dealings the other day I made the comment to W that if she dealt with her Communication Issues and reined in the temper she would damn well be the perfect wife. She didn't disagree. She seemed to be affected. Who knows? She wouldn't express her thoughts or feelings.
Thanks for asking.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
