I see a whole lot of improvement on her part. She listens to understand and when I communicate effectively she shows an effort to meet my needs. This is huge. I really don't think she does it to avoid making waves as LH19 has suggested. I think she is trying in her own stubborn way.
R, What needs of yours is she meeting right now? I thought you quoted her as saying "I am not a tryer"?
R, What needs of yours is she meeting right now? I thought you quoted her as saying "I am not a tryer"
First off why do you ask?
IMO, the 2 are separate and very different issues. It is common understanding here that what a W does speaks stronger than what she might say.
As I have said many times before, W is meeting most every need except physical intimacy.
Still not sure of your point. LH19
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Steve, then why not just ask that? "Are you sure you haven't lowered, your personal needs?" Doesn't this seem helpful without relying on assumptions or risk of being a leading question?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Are you familiar with Tony Robbins 6 human needs? If not, google it. I would suggest that right now she is not meeting any of your 6 needs other than maybe uncertainty and I think you would agree it is not in a good way.
I am giving you MY opinion. You have a tendency to think things are getting better and then you temp check her only to get rejected.
Again, I think it's possible you can live comfortably in the friend zone for the foreseen future. The question is how much longer can you live in limbo?
Steve, then why not just ask that? "Are you sure you haven't lowered, your personal needs?" Doesn't this seem helpful without relying on assumptions or risk of being a leading question?
Again I can't speak for LH, but he and a couple of other posters are really good at asking thought-provoking questions. It gets the LBS to see the overall point for themselves, rather than force-feeding it. RR, some of the best contributors in my threads used that tactic to great effect. If they were straight-forward I might would have become defensive. By asking the right questions that got me to see for myself what they were sensing. Maybe the tactic isn't for everyone, but I greatly value LH and the other posters that do that. It is a tactic used by a lot of ICs, BTW.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
LH 19 Plenty of EXCELENT Tony Robbins in the 6 basic human needs. He does an amazing job of reframing dynamics between couples in failed marriages. I highly suggest people watch the videos and take notes
THE 6 HUMAN NEEDS 1. Certainty: assurance you can avoid pain and gain pleasure 2. Uncertainty/Variety: the need for the unknown, change, new stimuli 3. Significance: feeling unique, important, special or needed 4. Connection/Love: a strong feeling of closeness or union with someone or something 5. Growth: an expansion of capacity, capability or understanding 6. Contribution: a sense of service and focus on helping, giving to and supporting others
I don't see where any healthy individual should expect to have all these NEEDS met by their spouse. I believe that is called codependence. Obviously #4 to an extent but if you expect that during DB you aren't going to get it. At least not on your desired level. As for the other 5 on Robbin's list? I don't want to seek these needs in any spouse.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Again I can't speak for LH, but he and a couple of other posters are really good at asking thought-provoking questions. It gets the LBS to see the overall point for themselves, rather than force-feeding it. RR, some of the best contributors in my threads used that tactic to great effect. If they were straight-forward I might would have become defensive. By asking the right questions that got me to see for myself what they were sensing. Maybe the tactic isn't for everyone, but I greatly value LH and the other posters that do that. It is a tactic used by a lot of ICs, BTW.
Steve, are you aware that LH suggested that I leave my relationship? When asked he said he was simply stating my options. Which were not my only options. Do you agree with this? Should I move out and see if this person comes around?
I know that is an option.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
THE 6 HUMAN NEEDS 1. Certainty: assurance you can avoid pain and gain pleasure 2. Uncertainty/Variety: the need for the unknown, change, new stimuli 3. Significance: feeling unique, important, special or needed 4. Connection/Love: a strong feeling of closeness or union with someone or something 5. Growth: an expansion of capacity, capability or understanding 6. Contribution: a sense of service and focus on helping, giving to and supporting others
1. Certainty - she will be there for you. 2. Uncertainty - she surprises you with a gift from the store 3. Significance - she makes you feel important and needed 4. Connection - obvious 5. Growth - is your relationship growing 6 Contribution - not really relevant
Look man you get jaded when you hear things you don't want to hear (like you did with AS). We are trying to help you. What Accuray posted a year and a half ago was dead on.
