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A Message from Michele
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What do I do? Ignore ? #2841305
03/11/19 03:57 PM
03/11/19 03:57 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
J
JimmyRig Offline OP
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JimmyRig  Offline OP
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J
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
Married 7, together 10, 2 kids, 4 and 6. Been on the rocks since August and in separate bedrooms since December.
I was following Mort Fortels's CD and plan and have read the DB book twice. We live together and co parent just fine and have been conflict free for about a month. No fights, just being, watching TV on the couch together etc just not much talking and no intimacy.

Last night she bring up one of getting an apartment for space so we can move on with our lives. She has brought of the D a couple of times and I told her that she will have to be the one to file bc I believe our communication issues can be worked on and improved and a great reconnection can be made if we move forward.

She says she does not to be with me and too much has happened to work it out, the old i love you but bla bla, I need space to miss you. Should I just ignore it all and keep being my best?

Thanks Choppy


Me. 46
Her 37

Years together 10
Married 7.5

Kids 4 and 6
Re: What do I do? Ignore ? [Re: JimmyRig] #2841306
03/11/19 03:58 PM
03/11/19 03:58 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,006
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,006
NY
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: What do I do? Ignore ? [Re: JimmyRig] #2841317
03/11/19 05:09 PM
03/11/19 05:09 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
J
JimmyRig Offline OP
Member
JimmyRig  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
Yep got all of the above and I thought we were moving well towards being ok and then up pops the moving on with our lives conversation.

She said maybe one of us should get an apt. which would strain us financially and her parents live 1/2 mile away but she would be away from the boys. Some how she doesn't get it that I would be away from them too.

I guess I just wanted to confirm the "not believing what they are saying" and watch how they are doing and just stay the course.


Me. 46
Her 37

Years together 10
Married 7.5

Kids 4 and 6
Re: What do I do? Ignore ? [Re: JimmyRig] #2841318
03/11/19 05:12 PM
03/11/19 05:12 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,006
NY
Cadet Offline

Member
Cadet  Offline

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,006
NY
Originally Posted by Choppy
I guess I just wanted to confirm the "not believing what they are saying" and watch how they are doing and just stay the course.

YUP - that is confirmed.

Believe none of what they say and half of what they do.


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: What do I do? Ignore ? [Re: JimmyRig] #2841319
03/11/19 05:14 PM
03/11/19 05:14 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 2,976
L
LH19 Online
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LH19  Online
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 2,976
C,

I am sorry you are here right now but this is the best place you can be. For now I would put aside the Mort Fortel's CDs and give her space.

Originally Posted by Choppy
No fights, just being, watching TV on the couch together etc just not much talking and no intimacy.

Most guys think because there is no fighting or arguing that everything is ok. You my friend are in the friend zone right now. What guy does she have her eye on right now?

Originally Posted by Choppy
Last night she bring up one of getting an apartment for space so we can move on with our lives.
You simply say "I want to work on our marriage. If you do not and need space I understand that you feel that way. I will not try to stop you from moving out".

Can you provide more of the story?


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: What do I do? Ignore ? [Re: JimmyRig] #2841324
03/11/19 05:24 PM
03/11/19 05:24 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
J
JimmyRig Offline OP
Member
JimmyRig  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
She says that our arguments have pushed her away and thinks we have grown apart. I have thought there was someone else but I cannot confirm that there is unless I outwardly ask to see her phone and text messages. But if i'm wrong that would just add fuel to the fire.

Don't know what else to say. I thought everything was ok and then last summer it got rough and withdrawn after a big argument. Everyone has fights and we were no different. Not all the time but every couple of months over something I can't even remember what they were about.

she swears there is no one else and a good female friend that was my friend first says the same thing.


Me. 46
Her 37

Years together 10
Married 7.5

Kids 4 and 6
Re: What do I do? Ignore ? [Re: JimmyRig] #2841326
03/11/19 05:33 PM
03/11/19 05:33 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,737
S
Steve85 Offline
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Posts: 5,737
Choppy, when you get a chance can you give us more details, and background. As you know, Mort is fond of saying, "You can't fix in days and weeks what it took you months and years to get into." So what were the dynamics over the years that led you to this point?

I too did a combination of Mort's program and DBing. I think that Mort offers a lot of good insight into the mind of the "obstinate spouse", or what we would call the WAS. I also think he makes good points about not laser focusing on the problems in the marriage. What I think you have to be careful with that program is pressure and pursuit. And a lot of what he suggests is pressure and pursuit. Date night? Right after BD the last thing my W wanted was to go out on a date with me! Talk and touch charges are great, but not right away. You have to give the WAS time and space first. There comes a time when you can do those.

But he does have a lot of good advice, and a lot of good insight. I am happy to have found his program.

But Divorce Remedy is where it is at! DBing is the best approach because it focuses on you, not her. That should be your number one mantra.....focus on me....not her.

Also, you need to 180 on any poor behavior that contributed to your current sitch. You need to get out and GAL like a madman. And you need to detach. And work hard on that detachment, and get better at it over time.


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: What do I do? Ignore ? [Re: JimmyRig] #2841327
03/11/19 05:33 PM
03/11/19 05:33 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 2,976
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LH19 Online
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LH19  Online
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L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 2,976
It it password protected? Does she take it in the bathroom with her?


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: What do I do? Ignore ? [Re: JimmyRig] #2841353
03/11/19 07:23 PM
03/11/19 07:23 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 767
S
SoTorn Offline
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SoTorn  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 767
Choppy,

Sorry you are here. She is following the Wayward Wife script to a T. Same thing my WW did. Started telling me that I was pushing her away, which I was because I was pursuing her, that I was smothering her, that she needed space etc.

All blamed on me. I was being gaslighted to the max and she was/is sleeping with her boss. WW's don't need space to "move on". They want their own space so they can have a private place to screw other men. Again, sorry you are experiencing this.

Just follow everything you read here. Drop all expectations that your relationship is going to survive. Take a huge step back. Stop pursuing.

If you are suspicious and find something you will just hurt yourself badly. Even if you catch her doing something and cheating she will lie and blame you for it. So just start the DB. Focus on yourself. Stop all pursuit. Make decisions and do things that make you happy. Its time to fulfill yourself. Get healthy, do the big 180 and act completely different than you used to.

Stay cordial. Set boundaries. Follow through if the boundaries are broken. I elected to welcome a divorce from my WW because of how badly she treated me in addition to cheating on me. It hurts man. You will live. You will get through this. Keep posting here. If you want to talk to her about something, post here and get feedback. If she starts talking to you about anything, post it here and get feedback before you respond.

This place is gold. It will help you a lot.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
Re: What do I do? Ignore ? [Re: JimmyRig] #2841414
03/12/19 12:33 PM
03/12/19 12:33 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
J
JimmyRig Offline OP
Member
JimmyRig  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
I asked the boys last night if anyone would like to take the dog for a walk with all the awesome remaining light now and all. One said yes the other said no who she was cuddling with and then she decides to come.

She has complained recently that she likes when I'm out of the house sailing or running or when she is at work but then has the out to chill wo me but decides to come. Then on the walk I try to ask about a work project and I get a snide snicker and curt answer.

Can't figure it out but never giving up.

Past issues that she has brought up that lead to where we are now is us arguing every couple of months and both of yelling. Nothing vicious just loud voices about what ever it was. She walks away and I follow. Unfortunetly now I know with tone and volume..

Choppy


Me. 46
Her 37

Years together 10
Married 7.5

Kids 4 and 6
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