Rocky Road 2

[Miler]

She initiated both previous separations,

Summer 2002 - We were married 3.5 years, had a newborn, I was in graduate school full time, and had no idea how to have a relationship. She moved out, we split time with the baby, had divorce papers drawn up (we had nothing to split then outside of a custody agreement). The total separation lasted 6 months. She went on 3 dates in the last 2 months of our separation, I did not. We were in the lawyer's office ready to sign the paperwork and just couldn't go through with it. At that point, we didn't know what to fix other than she felt unappreciated. In hindsight, she was completely right. I went to school 60 hours a week while she stayed home to clean the house, cook, and take care of a newborn. We moved across the country for my internship (to a much bigger city) and the change was welcomed by both. I continued to work long hours, had a 45 minute commute, and we added 2 more children. Things plugged along, but we would have this cycle of honeymoon for a couple of months, flat for a couple of months, rocky relationship for a couple of months...like a bad cycle.

March 2015 - I told her I couldn't go on any longer living like we were roommates with very little respect for each other. She suggested separating. It spun out of control for a couple of weeks. I essentially forced her to file for D. She filed maybe 2 months after IHS. We yelled, fought, and were down right nasty. I moved in with a friend because it was too tension filled at the house. Never any physical abuse, but man, we resorted to name calling, personal attacks, etc. @ days after she filed for D, she started talking to he exBF from 20 years ago (she left him for me). They went on a camping trip halfway between where he lived and she lived. At that point, we had separate bank accounts, separate phone bills, etc. She didn't hide the R with ex. I was hurting, and vulnerable. I met a young lady at a coffee shop, and started dating her just to take the pain away. Mistake to say the least. One night, we decided to go for beers at the bar a couple of blocks away. She had just been screwed over at her new job and I was an ear. Looking back, when she had that bad news, she felt like I was the only person she wanted to share it with. On the walk back home from the bar, we started kissing, and by the time we made it in the door, we were full on sex in her BR (she turned the office into her BR). After, she said she felt guilty, and that it was meaningless. I agreed...an hour later, same thing happened. We must have had sex 6-7 times in 2 days. The emotional unloading that happened there led to us just wanting to be around one another. We both acknowledged that we really were each other's best friend and we just like to be together. She had another trip planned with her exBF and I told her I didn't want her to go. She said she had to do this for her...to see if there was anything there. She felt like she left the R with him without an ending when she started dating me. That she felt he loved her the way she wanted to be loved. She wanted to make sure that she gave that a chance. Of course, I couldn't understand any of this. She said she thought about him when things were really bad between us. Well, she went anyway...came back 2 days early in tears. He was drunk the whole time, he yelled at her, called her names, and she "realized she had been wanting a fantasy this whole time." We acknowledged that we needed to just take a deep breath...She went with the kids and her mother and sister to their family house in the northeast for 2 weeks. On her drive home, she called and said she wanted to try and make us work. For the next 6 months, we went to counseling and had R at home. We were open, honest, and talked about everything that was bad over the previous 15 years. We had nothing to lose. We connected through that. We also connected through hating the 2 people we dated and ashamed that they got to experience our partner.

Since the 2015 separating, I have made huge changes about pulling my weight around the house, trying to be a true partner. And like you've previously read on my threads, she has said, It's not like we are walking around miserable like previous to 2015. She desires connection, constant connection. She loves quality time and quality conversation, not just being close to one another physically. You can read previous posts about everything I'm working on now. Hopefully, its not too late. Some days I feel like it's too late, some days I feel like we have hope.

[Miler]

Thanks for the support guys! Honestly, patience is a 180...I'm not the most patient guy. However, I do COMPLETELY understand that it took years to get here and things are going to be "normal" or "better" overnight. And, I don't want them to...this is going to have to be a new relationship so to speak.

To be quite honest, there was point in therapy where I just wanted to say, "EFF IT, I'M OUT!" This is a true challenge to my character and patience.

She continues to say that she needs time to process things, to take things as they come. I'll take that as a positive...if she wanted out, I'm sure she would take it. For me, it's either in or out...there's no time to process. Either you want to be together or you don't. It feels like she's deciding whether she wants to be with me or not, but she told the MC that that wasn't the case. She wanted to be with me and save the M. Who knows...I'll just continue working on me, 180s, GAL, and self-differentiation.

[SteveLW]

Warm up the car for her.

This one is huge.When we bought my W's car it didn't have remote start. I have been remiss in getting it. I leave each morning before she drives our daughter to school (she goes to a school without buses). Every morning I take my key for her car and start it for her so it is warm when her and my daughter leave. She has commented on how much she appreciates this.

[SteveLW]

She continues to say that she needs time to process things, to take things as they come. I'll take that as a positive...if she wanted out, I'm sure she would take it. For me, it's either in or out...there's no time to process. Either you want to be together or you don't. It feels like she's deciding whether she wants to be with me or not, but she told the MC that that wasn't the case. She wanted to be with me and save the M. Who knows...I'll just continue working on me, 180s, GAL, and self-differentiation.

This is the perfect attitude! I wish more LBSs would read this and adopt it. Limbo [censored]. Everybody hates it. But it IS the gift of time. I think most LBSs think that it would be easier if the WAW would have their stuff packed, say "ILYBINILWY", grab their stuff and walk out. Guess what, people that have that happen would KILL to be able to have the gift of time most of us get.

So breathe. Relax. Take it easy. And thank God for every second you have to try to effect a different outcome.

Miler, you are doing great. More LBSs need to pattern their actions after you.

[Miler]

Man, yesterday was heavy. After MC and discussion on the way home, I was spent. But last night was actually nice. She was relaxed, talkative, and actually gave me some brief casual touching. Before bed, she was in the bath and I sat down next to the tub and said’ “I know today was heavy and full of emotion but I truly appreciate you being so gracious and open. I also processed what you said and want you to feel confident in that I’m not in this for the quick fix or want things just to be back to normal. I want this to be a process in which we develop a healthy, happy, and supportive relationship.” She said I really appreciate you saying that. Me too.

So while we had a great night, I had a brutal sleepless night. I woke around 4 and couldn’t get back to sleep. All sorts of negativity was going through me head. When she came down to the kitchen, I completely effed up. I said “You we’re ready to leave me weren’t you? She said, no, why? I said because I came back from a trip and your ring was off, you changed our instagram profile pic to S11, and our picture together on your dresser is gone. 🤦‍♂️ She said, gosh, I’m so sorry you had a rough night. Did you have a bad dream. I said, yes it was awful! And I’m sorry for starting a conversation like that. That was terrible. She said, no worries, I’ve been there before. My ring doesn’t fit anymore
Because I’ve lost weight, S11 changed the Instagram picture, and I have no idea what happens to our picture on my dresser. I’m so sorry that you are having those thoughts, do you want to do something fun today? I said, man I really appreciate your grace and empathy. I love that about you. She smiled and said thanks. You never say things you love about me except my looks and how good a mother I am.

Well, there you have it. Ups and downs. She’s definitely noticing 180s and how hard I’m working. I think it still all boils down to patience and her trusting the new me. I showered, got dressed, made a business call, then taking care of some errands. I may go to the gym and wait til later to suggest something fun. Before I left, she asked my opinion on a few things...she never would have done that in the past, fearful I would have been “dominant” in the conversation and made it seem like my opinion was the only one that mattered. 180 on that. Just listened, validated, and supported her thoughts.

[Ready2Change]

I said, man I really appreciate your grace and empathy. I love that about you. She smiled and said thanks. You never say things you love about me except my looks and how good a mother I am.

Green flag to me.

Stay the path.

[LH19]

“You we’re ready to leave me weren’t you? She said, no, why? I said because I came back from a trip and your ring was off, you changed our instagram profile pic to S11, and our picture together on your dresser is gone.

M this can't happen again. It makes you look very insecure and needy. You say your impatient, well outbursts like this will definitely slow the process. Your W needs to think in her mind that you are also taking the time to see if you want to continue in this marriage. In my own experience and reading 100s of sitches the last 4 years the WAW has no problem keeping you in limbo (years possibly) if there is no incentive for her to recommit to the marriage.

[Miler]

LH, I get the “looks of it”. It wasn’t pretty, but the result was better than most communication we’ve had in 20 years.

As far as patience. Yes, I’m impatient. Is it better? Yes! And as for years, nope, not in it for years. I’m 45 and will have 2 kids out of the house in 2 years. I can assure you, I won’t be in limbo 2 years from now. And I don’t think she would be down for that either. I’m not putting a time line on things and I’m not close to giving up now. I fear your response is a little extreme. Thanks for the input and certainly things like that can’t happen. Agreed on that!

[Ready2Change]

I fear your response is a little extreme. Thanks for the input and certainly things like that can’t happen. Agreed on that!

I almost commented on your words as well. Learning experience.


Reflect back on this. How could you have addressed this without the "Needy" wording?

[Ready2Change]

There is another nugget of gold in your post. What can you start doing more of that will fill her love bucket?