WAW says I'm the "perfect husband and partner"

[Jamine]

My plan if we get D is to move away from the city that we currently live in. I really love my life and my home there, and have started to build a small network, but we've only lived there 2.5 years, and I don't think I'd be happy there if we weren't married. I moved there for her job; I work remotely and will probably just put my stuff in storage and go on an adventure somewhere - maybe live in a different country for a month or two. W says that she wants to buy me out of the house, and I believe that would be the best for both of us.

So, my current plan is to come back in 3.5 weeks, stay for 1 week, leave for Asia for 2.5 weeks (tickets bought months ago), and then return home. I did say that I would move after that if W wanted me to, but you're right, I was definitely under duress when I said it, and I need to make that decision for myself. If W hasn't filed for D, it sounds like the best move would be to stay.

I've ordered Divorce Remedy and it will be here on Tues or Wed - I can't wait to dive in and keep learning.

In the meantime, W texted me to check on me. I replied that I'm good after 30 mins, W immediately replied with a very lengthy response about her day. I think a 180 would be for me not to reply.

I really appreciate the support.

[SteveLW]

Jamine, sorry you are here but welcome. Glad you found us.

My first comment is related to your title. NO ONE is perfect. Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. Think about it, if you were perfect she wouldn't be considering D. It is a way to let you down easy. Perfect spouses do not get BD'd twice in 6 months. Also, her callous way of telling you the second BD over Facebook is just full of disrespect.

You ask how you regain attraction? It starts by regaining respect. Let me ask you, does moving in with your parents engender respect? How about getting home from Asia, you move back into YOUR home.

When it comes to WAWs and WWs filing for divorce is ALWAYS in the future. Again, words and actions don't match. "It is over. I want a D." Then they drag their feet on actually filing. Not to give you false hope but a lot of time they are more interested in the glamour of getting a D and being single, rather than wanting to face reality of D and the process.

Here is my vote:

-Move back in once your Asia trip is over.
-Continue to work on detachment. Lisening to her and validating, but not giving in to her demands or defending yourself against her accusations.
-180 on any bad behavior. I know she says you were perfect. But what about 180ing on doing things that do not command respect? If you are willing to move on based on he demands, what else haven't you stood up for yourself over in your marriage? Remember, attraction=respect. You can't have attraction without respect. Demand respect by doing things that do so. Also, get a new haircut, get new clothes, start working out, go get a manicure and pedicure even!
-GAL. Keep it up. Move back in but then always be busy. Go out and have fun, meet new friends. You have no kids so this should be easy for you.

You've got this man. Yes you've made some mistakes. But you can correct them and turn this around. And at a minimum, even if you end up D'd, you can go into the next phase of your life with your head held high.

[Jamine]

I know I'm not actually perfect - there was some bitterness in the title when I wrote it, trying to emphasize my confusion between W's words, actions, and phases.

At first, I thought I was doing the "noble" thing by agreeing to leave the house. I thought that if I gave her real space, without contact, she might miss me. I realize now that this wasn't the way to go, but I've got to live with this mistake. I will plan to live in MY home when I return from Asia. She knows that I'm planning to come back there, and there was no date set for me to move out or anything.

I'm doing a lot of things wrong, but I know I'm doing a lot of things right too.
- I take care of myself and my looks. I always dress well.
- I'm in pretty good shape already, and just joined a new HIT gym and did my first workout this morning. It felt great.
- I'm trying to GAL. I have some close friends that live in the city I'm currently parked in, and plan to connect with them ASAP.

- I definitely have issues with confrontation. I'm not scared of being yelled at or physically harmed, but I used to work in the service industry for many years and "Yes" has just been beat into me. I hate the idea of disappointing someone, but I'm actively working on this. I just read "The Courage to Be Disliked" and it gave me a much better perspective.
- I've always been a "nice guy" and a sap with women. I have to break this habit.

I'm curious if anyone has a perspective about 180s vs. validating. My wife's last message to me last night was about her day, and I did not reply to this because I thought since I was LRTing this was the right way to go, and she expects me to reply. Would a better approach be to validate with a simple message like, "I'm glad you had a good day."?

[SteveLW]

I would apply the following texting rules.

Do not response to informational texts. If she asks a direct question, answer it. But only in your own time (not right away). Answer in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.

[Jamine]

Thanks, I'm glad I made the right decision on that one. It all feels weird, and unlike myself, but I guess that's the point. Nothing I've done so far has worked, so might as well try something new.

[Tryhard]

So I am trying to be a man that only a fool will let go . Problem is I am impatient

[Jamine]

Tryhard, I'm right there with you. Initially, I thought that if I just worked hard enough I could fix things, but I never changed my mentality. 6 months later I'm worse off than when I started.

[SteveLW]

Those that struggle the most are impatient. Patience is a KEY to DBing. Jamine, just like I told Tryhard in his thread, you really only have three choices:

1) Doing the wrong thing
2) Doing the right thing
3) Doing nothing at all

3 is the best. Because it is almost as good as 2. AND it has less risk because so often the LBS thinks they are doing #2 only to find out later it was #1.

When in doubt, do nothing.

[Jamine]

Steve, thanks for this. I've been trying to figure out what the right thing is this whole time, when nothing is the answer.

I know that I CAN be patient. 2 days down...forever to go.

[Jamine]

Update from last night:
W sent me pictures and a video of our dog. Said that he misses me. I replied, "I miss him too".

W asked me if I could wait to come back home until 4/2. W's mother wants to visit that week, and we only have 2 bedrooms in the house. I leave for my SE Asia trip on 4/4 at 5 AM, and it will be 10+ hours of flights to get back to my house. I replied that I want W to have time with her mother, but that I need to come back home and have time to relax and prepare for my trip. W tried to argue, and I did not reply. W's last message was late last night "It's okay, do what you need to do, and I'll figure something out."

I feel like W is testing me. She knew that I was planning on coming home before 4/2, and any reasonable person would know that this is not enough time to transition from one very long cross-country trip to another very long international trip.

I have not replied yet, but was planning to reply, "Thank you." and purchase my ticket home (3/28) and forward her the itinerary.

Seeing this ridiculous request from her really puts things in perspective. I've been so caught up trying not to make this process difficult for her "out of love" that I've forgotten how little I've considered my own needs. I know that this is only a small step, but I feel good standing up for myself without justifying or arguing.