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A Message from Michele
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Brave Little Gerda Faces the Icy Game of Reason #2839964
03/03/19 06:34 AM
03/03/19 06:34 AM
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Gerda Offline OP
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Last thread -- http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2839892#Post2839892

And now, from http://hca.gilead.org.il/snow_que.html#7

Little Kay was quite blue with cold, indeed almost black, but he did not feel it; for the Snow Queen had kissed away the icy shiverings, and his heart was already a lump of ice. He dragged some sharp, flat pieces of ice to and fro, and placed them together in all kinds of positions, as if he wished to make something out of them; just as we try to form various figures with little tablets of wood which we call “a Chinese puzzle.” Kay’s fingers were very artistic; it was the icy game of reason at which he played, and in his eyes the figures were very remarkable, and of the highest importance; this opinion was owing to the piece of glass still sticking in his eye. He composed many complete figures, forming different words, but there was one word he never could manage to form, although he wished it very much. It was the word “Eternity.” The Snow Queen had said to him, “When you can find out this, you shall be your own master, and I will give you the whole world and a new pair of skates.” But he could not accomplish it.

I always look in this story for something close to what I am facing on my journey, and I had forgotten this part of the story in detail. I am somewhat in shock at how perfectly this paragraph captures what I face now, as my H plays the icy game of reason via custody and divorce, very artistic, and believing it to be of the highest importance, but always the word eternity is beyond his reach.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Brave Little Gerda Faces the Icy Game of Reason [Re: Gerda] #2839965
03/03/19 06:48 AM
03/03/19 06:48 AM
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Gerda Offline OP
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Originally Posted by job


Gerda, I wish that I could sit down and talk to you about your situation. I'm sure that there is much more going on than what you share here that could help me help you.


Job, of all the things you have said to me over the years, this one made me feel the strongest, gave me the most courage and hope. It's hard to explain why, but in this post I feel that you have faith in me, and that you understand me and all the complexity of my heart. And oh, lord, yes, I would love to have you sit down right here at the table and talk. You know where I am if ever you are there!

Originally Posted by job
You are allowing his threats to create so much turmoil within you. When you let go and call him on his so called threats, they tend to back down. We all know that he really doesn't want to take care of the children. That is called responsibility and he has already indicated he can't deal w/it even for a few hours, but he knows that this is your "toy" from the sandbox and he's trying to take it away from you. When you give it to him, sure he'll want to play full time daddy for a while, but then he'll lose interest in the tug of war and let things be.

I didn't mention divorce in my postings to you. I addressed the issue of custody only and what you might want to try to ease the path of communication w/your children if it comes to point of not being able to communicate w/them. I don't advocate divorce unless it is absolutely necessary.


And this part made what you are saying click for me. I didn't understand it before. I thought you meant that I was being stubborn about the truth, that I was afraid of facing the reality of divorce and that I should just accept it and move on. Seeing what you wrote about not advocating divorce was such a relief to me. I am so happy that you feel that way. So what you meant, I think, is that I have nothing to fear because these custody things on paper will not come to pass, he is incapable of doing any of them, so I need not fear them. And if he does do them within MLC and it hurts the kids, I can go back to court to fight for them, so I don't have to be afraid of that either. And if he does do them but comes out of MLC and becomes a good father again, I have nothing to fear because then it will be good for the kids to be with him.

I think also in reading your post, which I did right before going to church, and then I was walking in the cold night air and trying to think of what you said about how I must have many things going on that I am not writing about, which is very true, and to make sense of what you said, and I realized something about my fear or why I must appear to be stubborn. It is because I am afraid of all the implications of the custody discussion because they formalize the destruction of our family. I am afraid to say, yes, you get Christmas, and I get Thanksgiving, because I want nothing to do with that lifestyle or that vision of my future.

And I don't know if I will ever be able to see these things are separate boxes. I am glad I still see these things as inextricably tied together and that my heart keeps fighting the banalization of family life into this King Solomon baby-splitting efficiency.

But now because of what you said, I am able to see that you are not encouraging me to agree with any of it, only to get through it and come out the other side, and that you are giving me permission to keep believing that the other side is never a done deal, it could be that the other side will one day include restoration.

I don't even know if what I am posting makes any sense. But I think even if I am writing about it incomprehensibly, I do understand what you mean, and it even echoes the Mass readings tonight, but now it's almost 2 am and time to stop writing even to make it all more comprehensible.

Thank you so much, Job, thank you!!!!

Last edited by Gerda; 03/03/19 06:49 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Brave Little Gerda Faces the Icy Game of Reason [Re: Gerda] #2839987
03/03/19 03:39 PM
03/03/19 03:39 PM
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A family cannot be divided
Into neat and agreeable pieces
It breaks apart, it shatters like our hearts
And what was, what we remember ceases

This path we did not choose is not the end
Though it fills you with deep and utter dread
We follow our beliefs and not feelings
There is a resurrection of the dead


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: Brave Little Gerda Faces the Icy Game of Reason [Re: Gerda] #2840369
03/05/19 02:32 PM
03/05/19 02:32 PM
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Gerda Offline OP
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Gordie, this little verse is packed with wisdom. You have a gift for validating what we feel and then for pointing to the hope we forgot.

I will be praying extra hard for you and your W the next 40 days. That resurrection you mention in your poem is coming towards us, in whatever way God intends for our lives. You are walking a path of light, and I imagine God watching all your questions and confusion with the same love and even happiness as we have when we watch our kids figuring out anything from walking to friendships to cooking dinner for the first time. (Still waiting on that one, though my D did once make us all ham sandwiches for breakfast.)

I haven't been posting much though I have been the same struggling Gerda. I caught my H in a lie this weekend and I am starting to wonder if he is spending his weekends with a woman, and not working on some renovation project at that friend's house "to pay a debt" -- the godfather of my kids, paying him back for paying for his D lawyer. It's weird how the woman seems so much worse, but really in the end, it doesn't matter. It's all part of the trouble with standing -- it HURTS. Thinking of how I felt when I first knew about the A, year two or three of this mess, and how I feel now upon rediscovery, at least I can see that I am not the same totally unequipped Gerda. Before I would collapse for days and smoke a pack of cigarettes. Now I just post to Gordie and go to work. : )

Last edited by Gerda; 03/05/19 02:34 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Brave Little Gerda Faces the Icy Game of Reason [Re: Gerda] #2840505
03/06/19 02:14 AM
03/06/19 02:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Gerda
It's all part of the trouble with standing -- it HURTS. Thinking of how I felt when I first knew about the A, year two or three of this mess, and how I feel now upon rediscovery, at least I can see that I am not the same totally unequipped Gerda. Before I would collapse for days and smoke a pack of cigarettes. Now I just post to Gordie and go to work. : )


Standing is by far the most difficult thing I have ever, ever done. And yes, Gerda, it does hurt. Badly. A friend gave me a small devotional at Christmas about "pruning the vine", that in order for us to flourish, God prunes us, sometimes way, way back. But, it's necessary for us to flourish. I think that because we can handle the setback and hurt by getting on with our life, working, friends, family, etc., means that our growth is starting up again, and we are on our way to flourish.

The pruning hurts, a lot. I can hardly wait for the time to arrive where I'm flourishing. In God's own time. It will be worth it all in the end, I'm sure.


I will be thinking about you during this Lenten season, and will be faithful in my prayers. Blessings to you.


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Re: Brave Little Gerda Faces the Icy Game of Reason [Re: Gerda] #2840507
03/06/19 02:40 AM
03/06/19 02:40 AM
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Hello Gerda

On the eve of Lent, preparing for 40 days of abstinence, one’s mind wanders and reflects on that which is to be given up. Akin to a goodbye as one starts an emotional fasting which brings one closer to God.

My own reflection are of you and our friendship. We seldom realize the impact our lives have on others. From a small smile that brightens someone’s day, to a caring friend that stands with you during the most difficult of times.

Your interactions and friendship, made me a better person.

May your act of lent bring you closer to God and the peace you so richly deserve.

(((Gerda)))

Goodbye

Love,
DnJ


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S21 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Brave Little Gerda Faces the Icy Game of Reason [Re: Gerda] #2840520
03/06/19 04:04 AM
03/06/19 04:04 AM
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Gerda Offline OP
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Oh my gosh before I post goodbyes a bit later, the strangest thing just happened!

My H was asleep as usual on the couch, a bottle of wine in, and I had to creep into the living room to go to the kitchen for something. As I passed him, he reached out and grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him. I haven't felt his hand on my arm in five years, so I was totally shocked. I sort of let him pull me towards him and he half sat up, he was smiling at me as if he was the old H. I was terrified that he thought I was either my daughter or the OW (if there is one right now) so I was slightly resisting and I said, "Do you know it's me?" And he looked at me, totally confused, so I said again, "Do you know that it's me?" And I was so terrified that he thought I was someone else that I was just frozen and we were looking at each other in the strangest way and he let go and lay back down and I kept standing there for a second as I wanted him to pull me back again if he did know it was me but was horrified and terrified of rejection if he was dreaming of OW and would wake up as I got closer and push me away. I know in hindsight i should have just let it happen either way but I was so surprised that I wasn't thinking clearly. And he looked so bewildered that I said something along the lines of, "You were just pulling me towards you, did you mean to do that?"

Total buzz kill, yes.

And he said, "I was sleeping." And turned his back on me.

My H has not really touched me in over five years, except for one kiss a couple years ago and a few times when he let me give him a foot rub or that sort of thing when he seemed on his way back.

Well, a note to all out there -- if this ever happens to you, just go for it without worrying! I am in a sea of regret right now.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Brave Little Gerda Faces the Icy Game of Reason [Re: Grace21] #2840523
03/06/19 05:53 AM
03/06/19 05:53 AM
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Gerda Offline OP
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Thank you for the friendship, Grace! I agree with your friend, the vine, the pruning. Also the one about the God refining us in the fire, and how the metalsmith knows the metal is ready when He can see himself in it....

Your stand is very new, Grace -- mine started five years before yours! I know how much it hurts in these early days, more even than it does hurt me now. I used to sit on the stoop smoking cigarettes and crying. When I think of how God built me up over these years, wow. You will become so much stronger, you will be amazed!

I will think of you when I do the rest of the novena and check back in after Easter.

XO


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Brave Little Gerda Faces the Icy Game of Reason [Re: DnJ] #2840525
03/06/19 05:57 AM
03/06/19 05:57 AM
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Gerda Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DnJ
My own reflection are of you and our friendship. We seldom realize the impact our lives have on others. From a small smile that brightens someone’s day, to a caring friend that stands with you during the most difficult of times.

Your interactions and friendship, made me a better person.


I can hardly believe that you could have been made better than you were when I came on the scene. But thank you for this incredibly wonderful message. Your messages have brought me strength, hope, wisdom, kick-in-the-arse, a laugh, a guffaw, a hug, poems, trees in the wilderness, more hope, renewal, unbelievable crossing the borders of DB to IRL with letters to my son (wow, that was incredible), visions of your fruitful life and hope for all that a man could be as a father and provider, and snow and ice and capes flying across darkened lands and a hero coming with light, another kick in the fanny, a new electric baseboard heater, a Valentine, a way to fix the washer, a way to accept that the washer would leak back to hope and light and various revelations.

It's gonna be lonely without you! But that's the point. Gerda has to listen to the silence and face the stillness.

Thank you for ALL OF IT.

Last edited by Gerda; 03/06/19 06:02 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Brave Little Gerda Faces the Icy Game of Reason [Re: Gerda] #2840573
03/06/19 02:53 PM
03/06/19 02:53 PM
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Gordie Offline
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Remember that you are dust

But your life is not a bust

In this valley of tears

And too many fears

Fast and pray

Cry and sway

Kiss the tree

Drink of me


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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