You will get there. It may take longer or it may take shorter, but you will get there. AS is totally correct in preaching patience. At 3 months in I was still a total wreck and definitely not detached. I was married for 7 years, and it was about 6 months in (it helped my detachment to learn that my W had moved on to OM) before I started considering dating. Even then it took me another month to feel ready. I imagine that the longer the MR was the longer it takes, but of course it is all very personal and individual.
That said, I have zero regrets about my decision to date from a moral perspective. My MR was over the day my W BDd me and we separated, no matter what a piece of paper said.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
that seems more logical time but also scares me deeply. I am only a few months post BD almost 3 now. But i know im at 0% right now . It hurts to know that it will probably be a year + easy before id ever feel comfortable dating again.
I hear you. After BD months drag by like centuries! I promise though, after a year passes you'll look back and think it went by really quickly. There's no hurry. You're 36, that's plenty of time to even start another family if you wish. I was 50 at BD and definitely wrestled with what I was going to do, that's a bit old to be starting a new family but surprisingly the young women I dated were all for it. In the end I decided I didn't want to, but that's the thing, it's YOUR choice whether to go that route or not and you've got more time than you realize.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
As for the married people here, I recommend getting happy "alone" first.
Absolutely agree.
Originally Posted by Davide
That said, I have zero regrets about my decision to date from a moral perspective. My MR was over the day my W BDd me and we separated, no matter what a piece of paper said.
Also completely agree with this. Cadet now and then will say "most people here were divorced at BD, they just didn't know it yet." Totally true. By the time I was BD'd my ex was 100% done and out the door. She even said as much over and over again, but I clung to the hope that she was "only" 99.9% done. There's the spiritual M and the legal M. The spiritual M ends well before the legal one.
I have fought with this well after BD. It's been well documented that for 13 months I did whatever I could to save the M. I worked on myself and have WW do her own thing with the hopes that she can come out of the fog and try to save whatever M we had left. But instead of her seeing that, she dig into OM2 even more over the last few months. I have wasted a lot of energy trying to keep up hope and doing whatever I could to create that spark.
It never happened. She just continues to go deeper. So, I looked at myself and asked if all of this waster effort to save the MR is worth it. And the answer was finally a resounding NO at the beginning of the month. I came to that decision when I began socializing and came to the conclusion that there are other people other than WW who are attracted to me and will give me a chance.
WW made a mockery of her beliefs of cheating. She feels like she deserves her happiness and D5 deserves to see a loving, nurturing R.
Our vows were to care and love for each other. I tried to do my part but obviously poisoned the other parts of our MR. WW tried on her end, but gave up. She decided that being hypocritical was worth it for her chance at happiness. When that happened and she started her BS "casual" dating process in the "hopes that getting the experience we need to strengthen our MR".
She lied to me. She is using me (not much longer) and she knows it. That's not what a MR should be. That is not a definition of MR. I weakened our MR. She dealt the fatal blow to it. The MR is dead. There is no MR to save.
And that in my eyes, is the reason why I am starting to date. I am ready.
I have fought with this well after BD. It's been well documented that for 13 months I did whatever I could to save the M. I worked on myself and have WW do her own thing with the hopes that she can come out of the fog and try to save whatever M we had left. But instead of her seeing that, she dig into OM2 even more over the last few months. I have wasted a lot of energy trying to keep up hope and doing whatever I could to create that spark.
It never happened. She just continues to go deeper. So, I looked at myself and asked if all of this waster effort to save the MR is worth it. And the answer was finally a resounding NO at the beginning of the month. I came to that decision when I began socializing and came to the conclusion that there are other people other than WW who are attracted to me and will give me a chance.
WW made a mockery of her beliefs of cheating. She feels like she deserves her happiness and D5 deserves to see a loving, nurturing R.
Our vows were to care and love for each other. I tried to do my part but obviously poisoned the other parts of our MR. WW tried on her end, but gave up. She decided that being hypocritical was worth it for her chance at happiness. When that happened and she started her BS "casual" dating process in the "hopes that getting the experience we need to strengthen our MR".
She lied to me. She is using me (not much longer) and she knows it. That's not what a MR should be. That is not a definition of MR. I weakened our MR. She dealt the fatal blow to it. The MR is dead. There is no MR to save.
And that in my eyes, is the reason why I am starting to date. I am ready.
I respect that post . 13 months you gave it your all and in the end had to do what best for you. I Too probably weakned my m by being anxious, needy, clingy but one thing I would never do is withold my feelings from my spouse and keep them bottled up inside until its too late. That just seems so unhealthy to me...
that seems more logical time but also scares me deeply. I am only a few months post BD almost 3 now. But i know im at 0% right now . It hurts to know that it will probably be a year + easy before id ever feel comfortable dating again.
I hear you. After BD months drag by like centuries! I promise though, after a year passes you'll look back and think it went by really quickly. There's no hurry. You're 36, that's plenty of time to even start another family if you wish. I was 50 at BD and definitely wrestled with what I was going to do, that's a bit old to be starting a new family but surprisingly the young women I dated were all for it. In the end I decided I didn't want to, but that's the thing, it's YOUR choice whether to go that route or not and you've got more time than you realize.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
As for the married people here, I recommend getting happy "alone" first.
Absolutely agree.
Originally Posted by Davide
That said, I have zero regrets about my decision to date from a moral perspective. My MR was over the day my W BDd me and we separated, no matter what a piece of paper said.
Also completely agree with this. Cadet now and then will say "most people here were divorced at BD, they just didn't know it yet." Totally true. By the time I was BD'd my ex was 100% done and out the door. She even said as much over and over again, but I clung to the hope that she was "only" 99.9% done. There's the spiritual M and the legal M. The spiritual M ends well before the legal one.
I never looked at like that the spiritual m and the legal M, that is a interesting take . It is so hard to give up on someone though if they are going thru a crisis , or deep depression. I agree though at some point it will be time to move on with my life and canot stand anymore .
The Bible states that if your spouse cheats you are under no obligation to uphold the vows and can divorce. If you are in a state that doesn't have laws against it, there is nothing morally, religiously or legally wrong with dating someone when you are separated.
Whoa, what, huh, ????????? Say's who? Now I'm no theologian - not even close. I'm religious but have not done a lot of bible study and won't begin to pass myself off as any sort of expert on the bible but where in the heck are you getting this from? Where in the bible does it say that if your spouse cheats well then you are absolved of all responsibilities? What is the sense of vows then? Why do some religions not even allow divorce - or remove your from the church if you do divorce? Others require an annulment to remarry - or is that where this comes under?
Honestly, I do not know, but I have to tell you in 55 years of life you are the first person I've ever heard claim that the bible says it's okay to divorce if your spouse cheats. Please provide the bible passages this comes from - I'm extremely interested in hearing more about this.
As for dating someone when separated not being morally wrong - that rests within the morals of every individual. It may not be against YOUR morals but it well is against the morals of many others. That does not make them right and you wrong or vise-versa but to say there is nothing that makes it morally wrong as a blanket statement simply does not stand up to society as a whole.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
It straight up says that adultery is the only reason to divorce. Aka the only reason you can let go of your lifetime vow. Thats what the bible says. I dont take that as meaning honor your vows until divorce.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
It straight up says that adultery is the only reason to divorce. Aka the only reason you can let go of your lifetime vow. Thats what the bible says. I dont take that as meaning honor your vows until divorce.
There are so many others ways to betray your marriage vows that are just as bad as adultery. Bible maybsay what itndoes, but there are other reasons for divorce that are just as offensive as adultery
And it isn’t the moral aspect of dating while still married and in the process of divorce. If it’s the paperwork you are waiting for, I don’t think it’s a sin.
It’s dating too early before healing begins. It really does hurt thebprocess. I can attest to that.
And those who think they are committing after a few dates and getting their kids involved while beginning the process of divorce, well, I cannot get behind that. It’s wmotionally damaging and very risky for the adult and the child involved
It straight up says that adultery is the only reason to divorce. Aka the only reason you can let go of your lifetime vow. Thats what the bible says. I dont take that as meaning honor your vows until divorce.
It does say to "put them away", meaning divorce them. I don't think you can say, "they broke their vows so I can too". But heck, when it comes to this stuff people justify whatever they want these days. Decide for yourself and don't worry what I or anyone else thinks about it.
Personally I like the way Joe stated above. He had no shame in his kids' eyes because he waited.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
