Dating after Divorce

[pinn]

I guess I was referring more to quality over frequency. If the two aren’t on the same page for frequency then yes, game over. However, for me I’d take meaningful encounters every two weeks or even longer over meaningless sex every other day. I think pseudo scheduled sex is probably even worse than no sex at all in a LTR or marriage. Again, that’s just from experience and I didn’t realize it before. I’ll never pressure a partner for sex unless she is totally into it.

[kml]

I'd say it's an 8 for me. 2-3 times a week was steady throughout my long marriage. More at times. It's not the only thing - I'm a physical touch love language person, I could make do with less sex if my partner is generous with physical touch at other times. I don't feel like my sexual drive is any less now in my 60's than it was in my 20's.

It makes me sad when people just accept that sex is supposed to fall off after you've been in a relationship for years. That has not been my experience.

As for the whole discussion of "casual" versus committed sex - I guess it depends on your definitions. Meaningless sex with someone you don't know - yuck. Friendly sex with someone you genuinely care for but have accepted can never be more than that because of their issues can be lovely IF you're both on the same page. Unrequited sex or sex with someone who isn't as I to it as you - yuck.

As for waiting until marriage to have sex - well, I don't desire to get married again, but if I did, I'd sure want to have sex beforehand. I couldn't make a valid decision about spending my life with a guy without knowing if the sex was going to be any good, or if we were going to be compatible on frequency.

[kml]

Isn't as into it

[DonH]

Glad you moved this topic here Pinn - this way it's not on any one person's thread so no one has to feel like it's about them or it's opportunistic picking upon/on.

As soon as I read the question and before seeing the other responses, 8 popped into my head for me. It was interesting to see others were in that same 7 to 9 range. Just as interesting if not more so was that many said during their M's it dropped closer to a 4 or a 5. THIS is exactly what I was trying to point out when this topic started up elsewhere. It's interesting to see how things get to a 4 or 5 even with people that otherwise think they are in the 7 to 9 range. That is again what I was trying to get at yesterday.

However, my larger point, that may not have come through well, is that if we start out at a 4 or 5 now - with sort of a take it or leave, yeah I guess I could take it if the other person wants it - type of attitude, will that 4-5 drop to a 1-2 after years of M?

Like some of you have already stated, I too thought sex was of less important - I was clearly wrong. I've since taken notice by so so so many "experts" of how important sex is within a M. Like I think Ginger may have said on the other thread, it's as much a barometer of other aspects of the M. Also like she said, it's very much a factor of the other person. I can tell you I have functioned very well all over the scale (my partners may have functioned less so) but I often have taken the lead from them. My latest encounter was extremely high on the sex scale and I went right there with her. The woman I dated in Fall (although probably not long enough to really tell) seemed much lower - and I too followed that lead. What trumps them all, however, is the physical touch and non-sexual "intimacy" that the other person provides, if that makes sense.

I'm getting close to rambling so I'd better stop while I'm ahead, but not before one questions:

If it is a 8 for you and 2 for your partner no go. Vice versa.

While very true, I have to wonder, is it "normal" for someone in an otherwise healthy R to be at a 2? Let's take the stawman stuff out of it like wheel-chair-bound individuals, etc. Again, Ginger said she thought she hated sex when it was with her exH - she may have been that 2 we are talking about. She's now clearly at least an 8 (LOL) so in her case it was not "normal" to be at a 2. I submit the same thing with pain during sex - yes there could be physcial causes but it's amazing how that pain goes away when her partner goes away. And I could give dozens of other examples - I'm not trying to tie this to any specific sitch.

So, is it "normal" to be at a 2?

[Ginger1]

I'll bring this over here

My ex was my first and we were in our 20's. I did not like sex. I tried to avoid it and I did my twice "obligation" I thought there was something wrong with me. I was a healthy woman in her 20's and should have been truly enjoying it. When I got divorced and began having sex with other guys I was like "holy sh!t sex is GREAT" It was my ex, that's why I didn't like it. He is mean and critical and I couldn't get comfortable in bed with him. He cared only about his sexual needs, and never about mine. When he was done (usually in 2 minutes) he was done. Never spoke openly about sex, things we might like to try, what I might like, if I got mine (which I NEVER did). When I was able to be more open, and comfortably myself and had considerate partners, I wanted to give as much as I wanted to get. M and I have a GREAT sex life. (sorry TMI) he turns me on physically, mentally and emotionally. He is very giving and we have an amazing chemistry.

And I will speak to what Don said about even the "pain" for a woman during sex. Someone close to me used to think she had no sex drive and it hurt. Then she began an A and with that man, no more pain and she really enjoys sex. Her M has been bad since the beginning and she had no attraction to her H for many reasons. Happened to someone else I know too.

So I really don't believe there are many people who really don't have a decent sex drive. I think it is more to do with who you are having sex with and the underlying causes.

[Bo562]

So I really don't believe there are many people who really don't have a decent sex drive. I think it is more to do with who you are having sex with and the underlying causes.

I have to wonder if this is me, and describes something about me and my sitch, if I’m being honest.

That maybe I’m truly not as attracted to W as I thought I was or hoped to be. And maybe our attitudes about sex / sexuality contributed to that—that maybe mentally / emotionally / spiritually W and I weren’t on the same wavelength for our attitudes about sex, and it spilled over into the lived experience and physical aspects.

I do agree that if one partner is an ‘8’ and the other is a ‘2,’ then obviously it’s not going to work at all. The partners / spouses should be rather similar in terms of sex drive.

[Dawn70]

So, is it "normal" to be at a 2?

Honey, "normal" is just a setting on a dryer. Who is to say what is normal? I think that everyone has tap danced around it in their responses and everyone is quick to say oh I'm a 7, 8, 9, whatever, but in all reality, regardless of what "experts" say, some people are at the lower end of the scale and whatever the reason is, it is THEIR reason. Maybe psychological, maybe physical, whatever. It isn't anyone else's place to say that someone "should" be a certain level.

Having said all that, I do agree with the consensus of most that you need to be with someone who matches your level. If you are an 8, you don't want to be with a 2 and vice versa. I think that those numbers can fluctuate and be situational as well. Just because someone is a 2 today doesn't mean that they can't climb to an 8 in the right circumstances.

Following my divorce, I would have considered myself on a negative scale where sex was concerned, if that was even possible. I didn't want to see, touch, be with a man in any sense of the word. Just wasn't where my head was. It took me a year to get past that and then I was back to MY normal. I also went through a time in my M where I was pretty low on the scale because my husband was having a health crisis and it was all about getting him out of the woods and surviving and back on his feet, eventually. It is hard to think about sexy things when you are playing nurse and dressing open wounds left from botched surgeries and that sort of thing. In the moment, I was at a 1 or 2 on my best day, but once all that was behind us, I again, got back to what was normal for me.

I'm not saying that there isn't merit to what the experts say about sexless marriages being detrimental, but what I am saying is that people do naturally have different sex drives and those drives are fueled by MANY different factors so for anyone to say what is "normal" is kind of a moot point because one person's normal may be another's dud.

[AndrewP]

Honey, "normal" is just a setting on a dryer.

My dryer has a "wrinkle release" setting

[DonH]

Although I stand by the term normal, perhaps healthy is a better term but I think they both apply...

- is it "normal" to drink alcohol all day everyday?
- is it "normal" to lay in bed all day and rarely get out?
- is it "normal" to lust sexually after children?
- is it normal to never bathe or take a shower?

Or swap out is it healthy to do these things? I don't think we get to decide they are normal or healthy for us when society says otherwise. In these cases normal is way more than a setting on a machine and I think it's fine for us to decide that and fir others to decide it as well.

But use healthy if it makes you feel better... Is it healthy to have a sex drive of a 2.

[Holding]

Good topic. I'm probably a 6 or 7.

I've read (and seen plenty of anecdotal evidence) that men generally have a higher drive than women. Hence the old joke, "not tonight honey, I've got a headache".

Granted, there are some women that have higher drives, but by and large I think most men end up getting frustrated in Rs when it comes to the amount of sex.

In my M I was always the higher drive partner, except for the first couple of months of dating. Once she "had me", the sex quickly tapered off. At first, I wanted it every day, but would only get it maybe twice a week (this was especially annoying on the honeymoon). Then I started getting it once a week. Then twice a month. Then only once, when she was ovulating. That was the point where I threw in the towel on even trying - my self-confidence was completely destroyed. After that, it happened every 3 months, until BD. Looking back, I can see how this was the canary in the coal mine. The sex (and especially the woman's desire to have it) is true indicator of a R's health.

But if I go into a future R and lay out my twice-a-week expectation, I suspect I'll be a very lonely dude.