Hi everyone, I started noticing changes in my wife around March 2018 she was real distant. I felt something wrong so I asked her if we are getting a divorce and she acted like I was crazy for asking. "Babe I wasn't thinking about divorce Jeez" " You are working a lot and I have just gone into single mom mode and I can't seem to get out of it" "Maybe I can try counseling or something". A month or so after that we were looking at houses together, but still had this distance. I beat myself up thinking this is all in your head that I am depressed and I might need to seek help as I have never felt like that before. This caused me to be clingy and needy. Then in August we trade my car and use the equity to but here a new car. Sept 1st I got the ILYBNILWY speech. I haven't ever been in love with you we are just good roommates.I begged pleaded and cried for a few weeks straight. I go see a lawyer the next day have all the paperwork done giving her everything she is asking for and she didn't want to sign it. I calmed down as I thought she wasn't that serious about it can be worked out. The next day she is filling out some paperwork and I asked what she's doing. She said she is making an appointment to get tubes tied ( I have a vasectomy) and I got upset and was like you are going to do that now. How about how I am feeling.
So I decide to make some changes and take a job on the mainland so we had to move. More money less hours etc etc. I needed to be there for the kids and the amount of hours I was working was unhealthy. I had to move first so I could get a place set up for us and the kids could finish school. I was gone three weeks and she had met someone and fallen in love. She told me about it when she moved out here and I exploded broke a chair and said some awful awful things to her. This went on for two weeks along with more begging pleading and crying. She moved out and is living with her first husband which we all used to get along pretty well. She has been out to see this new guy twice that I know of already. I have been in N/C since Dec 8th and haven't talked about anything except the kids stuff through text only. that has been extremely limited.
I have grown stronger and have my feet underneath me a little better. I still am angry sometimes and resentful but I don't want to be that guy my whole life and I am working to get more peace in my heart. I have started to get a life of my own. I am playing tennis a few times a week and am doing some yoga and running as well.
We have two kids together S/9 and D/7 and three step kids her S/21 D19 D/17. I ma giving her all the space she can handle I will not make first contact unless it is about the kids. I think this is MLC but I am not 100% sure on that. I have decided to stand and try and wait this out. any advice would be great
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Welcome to our little world. You will meet amazing people across all of the forums that are here to support each other and will support you as well.
Now, I would like for you to sit a spell and think about what I am going to ask you. About 18-24 months ago, something happened that jump started her into her little crisis. Was it a death of a family member, co-worker or a friend? Did she begin a new job or lost one? How was her health around this time? Something tends to trigger their trip and usually it is something like I just described.
The main ingredient of MLC is depression and yes, childhood issues. How was her childhood?
As you walk your path, you will have many questions, please do not hesitate to ask them here. If you aren't sure of something, come here before you say or do something. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Her father passed around that time. It definitely triggered something also my company got shut down by the FTC and we moved to the islands for work. It has been an extremely rough few years on both of us. My kids seem ok my son broke down once which scares me. She hasn't walked away from the kids like i've read some of the others have. She has mentioned living on the islands part of the time. That also scares me but there hasn't been any mention of that for a while now. As hard as it is I am trying to do whatever it takes I definitely have my share of the blame in all of this. I am working on detaching. I am sure this guy was from before but i have no knowledge or evidence of that but that doesn't matter anyway. I have really moved on from him now I don't think about him as much anymore. He was the main target of my rage early on. My wife was always sweet and kind never had a mean bone in her body until now. She hasn't accepted any responsibility for the affair actually told me "well I asked for a divorce so you new"." I didn't do anything wrong it was how you reacted to it that was wrong ". But now I get nothing no spew, nothing.
She is just entering the MLC twilight zone. The first 18-24 months is the lead up into crisis and then the crisis will begin. If she is in MLC, she will go into full blown replay and then all hats are off as to what she may or may not do. Right now, she appears to be simmering and is looking for any excuse to validate why she wants out. My advice...don't take her bait for arguments.
You can only take on 50% of the blame for the breakdown of your marriage. Your wife is a big girl and should have been communicating w/you about what was on her mind instead of going out there and sharing her issues w/some other man. You are not a mind reader and unless she told you, you may not have known. So, accept half the blame/responsibility.
The more you have relationship talks, the more determined she will be to run. Keep your conversation very general, i.e., on the kids and current events, bills, etc. No relationship talks!
For now, just leave her be. Focus on you and the children. Detach as much as you can and live your life to the fullest.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am happy you decided to join this board. Here you will find a wealth of helpful information and very wise, caring, and compassionate people.
I see you have a son and daughter, 9 and 7. And three young adult children, S21, D19, and S17. I am sure thier responses are very different with each age group. How long have you been married?
Good to see you have the welcome posting from job, there are a lot of valuable links in there to read up on.
Posting here really does help. This is a safe place, ask questions, ask for advice, vent, tells us what is going on, as much or as little as you would like. You will receive much wisdom, advice, and suggestions. A lot will seem counter-intuitive at first; it is ok to seek clarification when unsure.
Your W needs space and time, and she is looking for a reason to run. She will attempt to draw you into arguments to fuel her justifications. Remain cordial and calm.
Give her lots of space and time. Focus on you and the children. Work on detachment, and keep moving forward.
I look forward to talking with you.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you everyone for the warm welcome. We have only been married for 5 years but together for 12. I am working on detachment and moving forward. I am growing and finding myself. Playing on a tennis league doing yoga and running getting in shape. Other than that my focus is on the kids which have been put through the ringer the last few months. There haven't been anymore divorce talks but there also haven't been any talks at all.
