Down But Not Out - Part VI

[AnotherStander]

Ugh... just went downstairs to try to see if I could find the marriage license. Nope. But I did find souvenirs from our honeymoon and a love letter my H wrote to me about how much he loves me...”so much that it takes my breath away” and how he will always be a strong shoulder to cry on and he is not the type of guy to run at the first sign of trouble. It just went on and on... it was a beautiful letter. And then I found the words of our wedding song written out. Seriously!?!? I was having a decent day!!!!!! Now I want to punch him for being such a HUGE liar and making me believe in him.

DV, very sorry you are hurting. I doubt he was lying though, he really did mean it. The problem is aliens from the planet Crouton 7 secretly snuck in while you were sleeping, stopped time and took your H to their ship. While there they zapped him with a "Personality Removal Ray" until he was an empty shell, then slipped a new alien personality into his old body. Then they put him back in your bed and started time again. So you look at him and see your old H, but inside is a weird alien creature that doesn't behave like your old H. So when you find this old stuff then be nostalgic over the H you once had. But don't try and identify it with the alien version of him.

[DnJ]

(((DV)))

AnotherStander is correct. H wasn’t lying.

He is an empty shell at the moment.

DnJ

[bubbs16]

Those sneaky aliens , they did the same thing to my w

[DejaVu6]

Thanks AS, DnJ & Bubbs.

I know my H meant what he wrote at the time. It was just really sad to read how “all in” he was then and reconcile that with his feelings, or lack thereof, now. That he is so sure his feelings for me are gone that he is willing to throw away everything we have built to “save” himself... from me... the person who has loved him without question, gave birth to his children and took care of everything while he was out chasing...what? I have actually been doing really well lately so yesterday was hard to take on a lot of levels. And then the crying kids...both saying they would just prefer to stay “home”...sad about the split...and yet so used to not having their dad around. Truth is I’ve been dealing with this stuff on my own for a long time but there was always an end to it in my mind. When my H would get “better” and come home. Now there is no end date. He is not coming home. I know this. I accept it. I know that the person he is now is not the person who wrote those letters. That person has, in a sense, died and I guess I am still grieving his passing. Anyway...time to pick myself back up and limit the trips down memory lane. (((HUGS))) to all.

[neffer]

Neffer, I will be honest, I respect what you are doing a lot. But if you were my H, and you still had such strong feelings for X-OW, I would not be able to be with you. It has been hard enough as it is! I am surpised your W can handle that, or does she not know? Sorry to hijack! he hardest part for me in my sitch, is the betrayal of the OW, and even with him being over her, it is still hard!

Blu

I get what you are saying Blu. My feelings for X-OW are fantasy fueled, and that´s all. I´ve been N/C with her so I know it´s my mind playing games that I don´t want to play. I know it´s hard for the other side and I´m sorry. But I wont lie either. I was just trying to show DjV that WWs minds are sometimes really crushed.

Sorry for the hijack DjV

[DejaVu6]

No apologies needed. Just had a long conversation with my SD19's mother. She called me to find out how I was doing and to "encourage" me to stay in touch with her daughter to reassure her that she is still important to me. She was apparently encouraging SD!( to contact her dad (my H) but she doesn't want to. She says there is nothing to say and she doesn't think he cares about her and her life anyway...just wants to talk about his and she isn't interested in it as she doesn't respect anything he is doing or has done. She is on Team DV even though I have consistently told her that I don't want her to pick sides and have always tried to support both of them to have a relationship. I cannot ask her to deny her own experience, however, and he has been too self-focused these past four years to pay much attention to what she is thinking and feeling. It s#cks. They had made great gains on our trip to Mexico but those are lost now. He has recreated his relationship with his dad. Our kids are his half siblings and she is him. It is awful how much he has turned into his dad when that is the one person he swore he would never be like. Sadly, however, I think his dad is more honest than he is.

Still trying to shake the blues today. Had a text discussion with my H regarding our kids starting to butt heads with each other. He suggested we split them up for a few days to show them that they would miss each other. I didn't agree to it but said I would consider it. Didn't want to bring up the reality is that both of them would want to stay with me so would have to force one of them to go with him. He is so oblivious to their inner worlds. Thinks they haven't really noticed that he is living with another family... or bizarrely thinks that they think it is okay. The amount of mental Olympics one would have to do to think that way is beyond comprehension to me. I so misjudged his character despite many signs that he is not who he pretends to be. I wish this was a new thing. I really do but he was like this with his first W and with the mother of his SD. He told me it was a casual friendship and a one-night drunken mistake on his part. She tells me they "dated" for several months and today told me that he had taken her to his house twice to walk their dogs. I didn't have the heart to tell her that those dogs belonged to wife #1 so even though they weren't married at the time, she must have been living there. He just chose to take her there when he new his mom and his gf would not be home. SD's mom did tell me that she had chalked up his behaviour back then to being "young and immature" but given what has happened between him and I, it may be just who he is. I SO do not hope this is hereditary. I want a better life for my kids.

Anyway... a lot of thinking about my H that I thought I was done with. My friend is coming for a visit this weekend. Should take my mind off of things.

[Twofeet]

DV,

Your goal should be to work with your kids so they dont become like your H. Maybe introduce strong male role models in their lives.... maybe your BIL? Especially men (preferably family figures) your son can learn to emulate that are not your H.

[Adam04]

DV,

Sorry to hear you all are going through this. Be strong DV. In time this will temper you, and it may be rough now but it will get better for you and the kids.

I agree with TF. Boys need good role models, men need good male friends. It never stops nor is it ever too early to begin.

I liked hearing about SD mom calling you and SD is team DV. Strengthen the bonds that you can. Shift that focus off your H and pour yourself into the children. They will not forget that. They are your legacy. You will be okay and you will make it. Hugs to you and the kids.

[DejaVu6]

Thanks guys. I am okay. Today was an interesting day and I probably went against all DB rules only part of me thinks that is okay as my goals are not the same now as they were when all this started and I was still coming to terms with things. I got into a text conversation about co-parenting and the need for me to be able to trust him and it kind of went on from there. Hard to describe so I will just write what I wrote...

Me: H. I am not accusing you of willfully doing anything [to cause our kids to keep secrets for him] but actions have consequences. They have seen you lie to me. I have seen you tell people things that I have personally known is not true. I have heard you tell four different versions of the same story. Sometimes I don’t even think you know you are doing it. My entire life with you is in question. The cruise you took in 2016. Your trip to England for ________ Publishing. Your barometric chamber treatments. The list is a mile long. I have no idea if you even liked me let alone loved me. I think you are in love with the idea of love and you expect it to fill a hole in you that is impossible for someone to fill long term. So you can tell me you are trying to be a good person and a good father. I want to believe that is true. Maybe if you sat down with me and owned up to your top 100 lies, I might have some confidence in you. But so far, every question I’ve had has been answered with a question, or an accusation or a misdirection designed to make me look like the bad guy and you like the victim. Coparenting with someone like you is a challenge, to say the least. Sorry. That’s just how it is.

No response. An hour later... I know.... impulsive...

M: Predictably...the second I mention something about being honest, you disappear. Just once H... just once... take a deep breath and tell the truth. What does it matter? You got what you wanted so why not just be honest? Back up your words with actions. It would be a relief, I’m sure. Do you think it is going to make things worse? Do you think I am going to do a complete personality change and try to retaliate in some way? Not in my nature. I just want to know how much of my relationship with you was a fabrication and I think you owe me that.

For instance, I still think you aren’t being honest about why you want the May 1st separation date. You don’t need that to date people. I think you’ve told someone that is when we separated and you need it on paper to prove it. It’s probably [roommate]. I am still struggling with that btw. Everything in me says she is an affair but the only thing that gives me pause is that you told me she has pancreatic cancer, the disease that killed my dad and despite everything, I still have such a hard time believing you would make something like that up knowing that is how I lost my dad. Even you would not go there, right?

Anyway...I still plan on stopping by and introducing myself [to roommate] cause I know you won’t and I need to know who is hanging out with my kids. So if there is something I should know, you better tell me soon.

30 minutes later...

H: I will give you what you want - none of it is as exciting as you think - and not over text - I’m not going to do it tonight.
M: Only if it is the truth. I’m not interested in more lies.
H: Yep.
M: And I am still meeting [roommate]
H: You can - yep
M: I don’t need excitement H. Just honesty.
H: I know.
M: That will go a long way. Thank you.

So... one last convo before the separation agreement is signed. I am glad he wants to do it face-to-face and that hopefully he will give me some truthful answers. My goal is for us to be good co-parents but I don’t think that will happen with sooooo many lies between us. I am hoping our meeting will help clear some things up and make that possible. I continue to believe that he is not a BAD guy... just really screwed up so I am hoping, if he really plans to lay it all out, that this will be as freeing for him as will be for me. I do not have any illusions that there will be anything more than a co-parent relationship between us in the future so I am fine with this one last talk. I think it will actually help me with my detachment and I think it will give me some peace. Love and (((HUGS))) to all!!!

[DnJ]

Hello DV

I must say, I am kind of impressed. That text is all you; well said, well stated, and well thought out. It is probably to much for his Swiss cheese mind but so what, a lot of that is for you and letting go.

We all take different paths, and for what it is worth, you needed to do this. I hope he follows through on the face to face conversation.

DnJ