OH...and Neffer... good for you for making the right choice and choosing to love your W and your S. I am sure it was really, really difficult to face everything. I would not be surprised to find out that your situation was a lot like my H’s. He seems very protective of his “roommate” and her kids, especially her son. Unfortunately he still thinks that love is a feeling and not a choice. It may be that in the beginning but once the hormones have settled (studies shows it lasts two years max if you live together), it becomes a choice and takes effort to maintain. Your W and S are very lucky you figured that out in time to save your MR. You are very lucky as well. Having someone to share the trials and tribulations that life inevitably produces is a gift. (((HUGS)))
Thank you girl. I´m very aware of that. Part of my heart longs for OW...the need to give her and her son protection too. But I can´t. I hope she finds a good man to start a family. She hasn´t had that in her life. I´m far away from that, I´m sorry for her but I can´t be her savior... I know time heals the wounds...
DjV, take into account what your H does, not what he says...it will help with your detaching tides ;-)
Keep shining there, as usual.
(((((((((((((((((((DjV))))))))))))))))))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Thanks Neffer. So...reading between the lines... you think my H is still lying about who this woman is to him. I expect anyone on the outside of this situation feels the same way. What is that saying?? If it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck and looks like a duck, chances are it’s a duck? Anyway...that was way too much mental time wasted last night on my H. I choose not to wonder about it anymore. It is what it is and if she moves in with him when he buys a place, we will all have our answers.
Family Day turned out pretty well with my kids. I made them pancakes when they got up and some banana bread for their lunches. We then took our dog for a walk to the dog park and back home. More baking... this time oatmeal chocolate chip cookies that they have been bugging me to make for ages. They were happy campers. I sure love those little monkeys.
You need to be applying the "believe nothing that they say..." to protect yourself. There´s no need to try to figure out what´s unfathomable.
You are an experienced DBer. It´s ok to take a step back into the expectation department but I keep your last paragraph:
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Family Day turned out pretty well with my kids. I made them pancakes when they got up and some banana bread for their lunches. We then took our dog for a walk to the dog park and back home. More baking... this time oatmeal chocolate chip cookies that they have been bugging me to make for ages. They were happy campers. I sure love those little monkeys.
And there goes DjV.
:-)
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I am a complete outsider, but I have always had the impression that the woman is OW. I also agree that men do not take this route without OW. It would certainly explain a lot of the mysteries over the years. DV, what would that change for you if you could verify OW or multiple OW? I am asking because for me, I did not want any family time with my H when I knew there was OW in the picture. Had we just had a separation with mutual respect, perhaps I would have felt differently. I am not sure. I allowed family time in the beginning, but I realized it was only in hopes of him coming back. Then he would leave our family and go to OW. It made me feel sick. I realized I was allowing the ultimate cake eating and cut that off. Then over time, I started to allow more detachment.
Neffer, I will be honest, I respect what you are doing a lot. But if you were my H, and you still had such strong feelings for X-OW, I would not be able to be with you. It has been hard enough as it is! I am surpised your W can handle that, or does she not know? Sorry to hijack! he hardest part for me in my sitch, is the betrayal of the OW, and even with him being over her, it is still hard!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
TBH, I'm not sure it would change much for me if I verified that she is a definite OW or that there were others. It would probably just tell me that my H, despite his claims to the contrary, hasn't changed a bit and that he is still lying to himself and to everyone who cares about him including the OW. We don't do family time now anyway so I'm not worried about cake eating. Anyway... when he buys his new house and moves out and the kids have their first visit there, we will have our answer. If she is living with him, we will know he has been lying all along. At that point, I will definitely stop by his place to introduce myself and let her know that if she is interested in the truth of what went on, I'd be happy to fill her in.
Sometimes I am just too impulsive. My H texted me for a copy of our marriage license. I have no idea where it is and told him so. And then I texted that I didn’t think I needed to keep track of it because I actually meant my vows. I did, however, resist the urge to tell him that he, on the other hand, should have made numerous copies of it in anticipation of this inevitable ending. Okay... I know... 2x4. Honestly, though, does he seriously expect me to go looking for? This is not my divorce, it is his. Anyway....fell of the high road there for a second... getting back on it. :
Ugh... just went downstairs to try to see if I could find the marriage license. Nope. But I did find souvenirs from our honeymoon and a love letter my H wrote to me about how much he loves me...”so much that it takes my breath away” and how he will always be a strong shoulder to cry on and he is not the type of guy to run at the first sign of trouble. It just went on and on... it was a beautiful letter. And then I found the words of our wedding song written out. Seriously!?!? I was having a decent day!!!!!! Now I want to punch him for being such a HUGE liar and making me believe in him. I just texted him to tell him I couldn’t find it and am done looking so he can look for it himself. I am done with the painful trips down memory lane.
Thanks Grace. I told myself I wasn’t going to do anything impulsive anymore but sometimes it is just too painful. Glad to hear you are ready to get back on your wagon. I was fully on mine until my H reminded me that he is still determined to D. I knew that but honestly...stop texting me to help you finish blowing up our marriage. He really is clueless sometimes.
Well...a fitting end to a crappy night. Two crying children... my son because he is sad about the “you know mom... dad...the divorce.” He says he thinks about it when he isn’t busy and that he misses “the old days” when we were all together. I asked him if he ever talks to Dad about his feelings and he tells me that he doesn’t because he doesn’t feel as safe with him. He then said that he hasn’t been good at keeping Dad’s secrets so he doesn’t think Dad would be good at keeping his. Sigh... I then tell him that there are no secrets that he should ever have to keep for either of his parents. He said he knows and then looked at his sister and said, “pretty sure [name of D11] has at least one.” She just glared at him so I have no idea what that is about and I didn’t ask. I just told her that she can always come to me if she is worried or upset about anything and doesn’t need to worry about my feelings.
My daughter’s issues are tougher to figure out. She came into my room later and needed to talk. Lots of tears. Not a lot made sense. The confusion of being an 11 year-old girl with a family in flux and a brother who she loves one minute and can’t stand the next. Such fluctuating emotions. My H, of course, oblivious... off living with someone else’s children. And he has convinced himself he is doing the right thing. Any anger I still feel toward him definitely surfaces when I see my children hurting.
That letter I found was really hard to read. He’s gone from “I love you so much it takes my breath away” to “I like you as a friend.” Reading it was surreal, to say the least. He even talked about being a strong person who will work hard to keep me happy and safe”. Um...he didn’t even want to mow the lawn. I should have known. He was so crazy, over the top, head over heels in love with me that there was just nowhere else to go but down. Insert financial problems, parenting challenges, and daily stresses and how quickly love turns to resentment and deceit. Anyway...enough thinking for tonight. A bit of a setback on the detachment journey but I will recover. (((HUGS))) to all.
