Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
More reconnection or whatever this is. Sending gifts to the house. He's never been a gift-giver. Also apparently struggled with his pronouns again. While telling S that he had ordered something for him and it would arrive by mail, he struggled and finally came up with, it is being shipped directly to "the house." In the past, this would have been "the [city where we live] house", "your mother's house" or some other variant that injected as much distance as possible.
Gordie, I think the walls are mine. I may have walled him out long before he emotionally distanced from me. Ultimately I don't think it would have changed anything in our situation, but it is something I am thinking a lot about. I'm a little haunted by it really. But the positive to be found here is that if they are my walls, then I can take them down whenever I want or don't need them anymore.
I would keep my eyes open. He may be reconnecting on a serious level or he's doing the dance of wanting to be Mr. Nice Guy to keep you hooked on his fishing line. The man needs to earn your trust.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, thank you for the constant reminders regarding expectations. Not a risk for me in this moment, but something I plan to visit and revisit and revisit again. I take it the gift is a book that relates to some conversation they had, although it sounds as if he was coy about it. I think he is moving a little too fast from what I have seen with others and that makes me greatly suspicious. Though if he is unhappy in his present living situation, he may be trying to expedite for that purpose. Who knows?
Gordie, I forgot to mention that this part of the poem made me think of you and your W, "The gaps I mean, [n]o one has seen them made or heard them made, [b]ut at spring mending-time we find them there." I think there are some gaps appearing in your wall. Maybe it happens more when we stop looking for them and just go about the business of living? Also, is Frost correct when he says that "good fences make good neighbors"? I think boundary maintenance is something that every LBS must learn and relearn throughout this process. I think that will be my biggest takeaway from this unpleasant life experience.
And so it continues. OD spent a total of 9 hours with S today. I believe that is more time than all of 2018 (or at least very close to it). He let S drive his new truck. They ran an errand for said truck and then S drove into the mountains (an hour or more each way) to a skiing venue. When they arrived, they messed around a bit and left early because there was no one there (why that would matter I have no idea).
S then drove back to our area and they parked at a shopping center at the movieplex we go to. They walked around for a bit, had food and went to a movie. Not sure what else they did. I didn't ask any questions, this is just the stuff that S revealed. I don't like to interrogate him (and there is no need since he dribbles out over the ensuing days what happened anyway).
Some big developments for OD:
1. He usually plays his political podcasts or stoic audiobooks anywhere you go with him. This time he had purchased a book on mythology (which he knows S loves) and actually played it from the beginning. For S's birthday trip two years ago (which involved a lot of driving) OD played a stoic book from the place in the middle of it where he was in the book. I see this as a huge leap forward in empathy from OD.
2. He did not criticize S's truck and actually said complementary things about it (since it was my suggestion and obtained from someone I know, and his sour face over the dings last time, I was expecting more criticism).
3. He took S for food and actually ate with him. This was a huge source of fights for us for several years since his MLC began. He would never eat with us. And he ate a sandwich no less (I can't even remember the last time he ate bread). Of course he has gained lots of weight so clearly he has switched up his diet.
4. The movie they saw was one that S wanted to see. Once again, one normally sees what OD wants to see.
5. Big one here. OD bought S popcorn and a drink and evidently consumed the same. Since the health kick began years ago, the fastest way to p!ss him off was the suggestion of either of these things. I couldn't resist and asked S what kind of drink he ordered (Diet Coke). When OD left, he said it was because I drank Diet Coke. When D was with him two years ago and ordered a Diet Coke, he freaked out, slammed the lid of the trash and said I had passed on my addiction to her. Apparently, he made no comment or face about the Diet Coke order.
6. He did not try to get S to agree to go to the place where he lives. In fact he never brought the place up at all.
7. The book he ordered arrived. It was about sleep and dreams. S has problems with sleeping during his depressive bouts. Not sure if the book was an empathetic gesture toward S or something OD read because he is experiencing sleep issues (he has always been a big sleeper, but who knows what his sleep has been like since leaving).
8. I really thought he would dump S home early and then run back to OW2 for VD. Guess not.
These are the first signs of returning empathy I have seen from OD. Again, no telling what is up, how long it will last, or what it means. Just reporting in case this is reconnection or a stage transition of some kind.
Last edited by job; 02/15/1901:06 PM. Reason: edited a word
Wow, One! I bet you are hardly believing your eyes. That is very peculiar that he spent such quality time with S. You just have to cross your fingers and hope it’s authentic and that OD’s flip doesn’t immediately go off. I hope your son had a nice day. I agree with KML... sounds likeOW is on the outs.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Son is probably happy getting to spend so much time with OD. It must seem a little strange eclipsing all of 2018’s visits in one go. Sounds like they both had a good time.
I agree with others, OW must be on the outs.
I am with you, something is going on. Is this incipient reconnect or a something else. Time will reveal I suppose.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I agree w/the other posters...sounds like he is realizing that the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. OD and OW must be on the outs.
I hope he continues to be there and continue doing things w/your son. Time will tell what is going on w/him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
