Something there is that doesn't love a wall...

[OneArt]

Mending Wall
BY ROBERT FROST

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it,
And spills the upper boulders in the sun;
And makes gaps even two can pass abreast.
The work of hunters is another thing:
I have come after them and made repair
Where they have left not one stone on a stone,
But they would have the rabbit out of hiding,
To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean,
No one has seen them made or heard them made,
But at spring mending-time we find them there.
I let my neighbour know beyond the hill;
And on a day we meet to walk the line
And set the wall between us once again.
We keep the wall between us as we go.
To each the boulders that have fallen to each.
And some are loaves and some so nearly balls
We have to use a spell to make them balance:
"Stay where you are until our backs are turned!"
We wear our fingers rough with handling them.
Oh, just another kind of out-door game,
One on a side. It comes to little more:
There where it is we do not need the wall:
He is all pine and I am apple orchard.
My apple trees will never get across
And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.
He only says, "Good fences make good neighbours."
Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder
If I could put a notion in his head:
"Why do they make good neighbours? Isn't it
Where there are cows? But here there are no cows.
Before I built a wall I'd ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offence.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That wants it down." I could say "Elves" to him,
But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather
He said it for himself. I see him there
Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top
In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.
He moves in darkness as it seems to me,
Not of woods only and the shade of trees.
He will not go behind his father's saying,
And he likes having thought of it so well
He says again, "Good fences make good neighbours."
_______________________________

This poem has come to my mind quite a bit lately. I guess I'm at a stage where I need to consider my walls and whether they help or hurt me, whether they wall me in or wall me out.

I wanted to cheekily call this thread "After His Divorce" but also didn't want to make light of something that is so painful for so many. The divorce is over, but OD and I are still married. As expected, he did not show to work out everything between us. He did not contact son about his first planned visitation (my guess is, like the book he told D to read, he felt I would be hounding him to sign those papers). So I remembered that he often does these things from fear rather than a desire to tell me I'm insignificant (still have work to do on that self-esteem obviously). So I reached out to him, asked him if he was picking up son, and said the latest he could come, but that I would be here earlier, making it clear that if he wanted to come before to discuss something with me he could. He came at the the last minute to pick up son's new vehicle and drive it to pick him up so they could practice driving.

I had asked him when I saw him in his town almost two weeks before whether that was how he dressed for work. As a reminder, he told me he was working and could not leave said town for our talk. He was dressed very shabbily and looked quite awful. He still had the MLC beard he has been sporting for the last two years. I thought the beard looked neater though and commented to someone that I would believe he was waking up when the beard went bye bye (in the 25 years we spent together he never had facial hair of any kind for even one day, and he knows that I hate facial hair).

I answer the door and notice right away that he is wearing new clothes (and I know he was off work). They were of the type we would have picked out together for him to wear. Not teenage or bizarre. It took me a moment and then I saw it--the beard was gone. I could not believe my eyes. Once again he looked me in the eye, in a friendly manner, asked to use the bathroom and breezed by right next to me (not the 5 ft perimeter he maintained at all times before leaving). When he came out, we looked at the vehicle (he saw a small dent and made a face). I laughed and said son is going to do worse than that, and walked inside.

In the evening he and son came back to the house. He has not come in when visiting either of the kids since May/June of 2017. He actually parked his car in my driveway. If you recall, he has not done this in years, except for a time he was circling home between OW1 and OW2. He and son stayed upstairs in the house for about 2 hours. I was in my bedroom watching TV. Son has no idea what is going on and asked me to make myself scarce so as not to scare him off. I didn't want to see him again anyway, so I was fine with it.

The following day, as a test, I sent him a picture of our D (he never responds to this sort of thing, ever). He responded right away and said something nice and used several exclamation points.

It is pretty clear to me what is going on. So I'm thinking about walls. Where they belong. Whether they keep others out or me in. I won't waste my time thinking up answers to questions that have not been asked. But I wanted to document these developments for those at the beginning, or those who are questioning their faith in what we have been told about this process and the stages that are often seen.

Shake hands, we shall never be friends . . .

[Gordie]

Wow

Those are big developments

No beard

New clothes

Parking in the driveway

Spending time with son in the house

Does this mean it is waning or over with OW2?

That he is in some way peaking his head out?

How does all of this make you feel?

[Gordie]

Looking you in the eye

And not keeping his distance

Those are big too

I remember when that started happening in my house

I did not know what to make of it at all

Cool calm and collected

You got this

[DnJ]

Good Morning OneArt

As Gordie said: Wow, big developments. For him and you.

Walls.

Do they keep others out or you in?
They do both. Walls protect and contain.

Where do walls belong?
What a thoughtful query. You and he did not build a wall between you. You built a wall and he built a wall. There are two walls between the two of you.

Wall protect and contain, and need atleast one gate, drawbridge, or entrance. That is the weak point in the security of the wall.

Where do walls belong?
Big picture, long game - no walls.

At first, be vulnerable and build a gate. Take a leap and construct that gate, it can be opened and shut as needed.

Later, you can start to remove some bricks and rock. To unwind the indifference and let those feelings surface. They’re just fleeting feelings, nothing to be fearful of, or make life guiding decisions upon.

Walls.

Something there is that doesn’t love a wall.

DnJ

[OneArt]

DnJ and Gordie:

Thanks for responding. I have been really good at not looking for any evidence they are still together. This weekend however I decided to see if she still has him on the public part of her FB and she does. That actually made me enormously relieved for S's sake. My fear was that maybe they broke up and he was spinning and coming here between women. I've always felt that if it was real, he would have to be the one to leave the "relationship".

This has felt more than him just cycling between women. While some of the things he did took a while to come to my attention, it was clear that he was trying in his own disordered way to have contact with me since August/September. I found it interesting that our phone call was in November, pretty much a month later he was able to come and face me, and a month after that he pushed again for dismissal, gave me the money, and I think was somewhat flirting with me. I have no doubt that the clothes and beard were for my benefit and the fact that it was only two weeks after the prior talk was perhaps evidence of him getting more comfortable.

I know that you can only ever know what this is by looking backward. But it has been longer than in the past, seems more substantial, and seems to be building. I've seen many threads here and elsewhere, and I think HB mentions in her articles, that if this is the first awakening, that it could take months for her to be gone and months more for him to try something more obvious.

Because I don't think he knows what he wants from one minute to the next, I certainly can't put any stock in this. I can't have any hopes or expectations of any particular outcome.

I am going to focus on my hope for friendlier relations for the kids' benefit, although I have no interest in being his friend, and the "nice" divorce I want if I see it swinging that way.

I did like seeing the twinkle back in his eye. I did like that he didn't treat me like I had ebola virus, and I did like that he showed up as we agreed for son. Son had a good time with him. OD seemed to survive being in the house with him. His text response to me the following day seemed like he wasn't hiding in fear from all that intimacy.

I remembered later, not sure if i wrote this at the time, that when he came in December, he blurted out, "I'm going to want more communication going forward." In that moment I thought he was talking about the two of us because of its placement in the conversation, and it seems he was. He also said when we met in his town that he would want to see S more than a few hours every other week. This could have been him saying he wants to spend more time here, who knows. Right now I don't expect that S or I will see or hear from him for another 10 days or so.

This scared little kitten has a lot to figure out. I am a cat person. I know to deal with cats. Whether I want to take in this stray is definitely something I'm not prepared to answer. I don't know enough about him yet and what kind of bad habits he would bring with him.

[job]

In my opinion...he's having moments of clarity and possibly does want to reconnect and spend more time in the home and w/your son and possibly w/you. Actions always speak louder than words and if he's consistent, then he may be on the road to feeling more comfortable w/himself and feels safe to come into your home.

The little kitten is still there, so drop the catnip and see if he follows it.

[Gordie]

Oneart

You are wise to keep expectations at zero

He may want more

Or he may get scared off and distance again

They can cycle for long periods as you know

Too many known unknowns

And I never thought you had Ebola

Best wishes

[OneArt]

OD is ramping up his efforts with S. He is calling regularly and they are discussing actual topics and areas of shared interest. He has not tried to get out of visiting S this week and is actually planning to take a short trip to do something that S has been wanting to do for a while. I am standing back, staying out of it, and just hoping that my sweet boy doesn't get hurt yet again.

[DnJ]

Good Morning OneArt

It is nice to see Dad and son talking about shared interests. And planning a trip, to do something S wants to do. Wow. Fingers crossed that H isn’t so skittish that he doesn’t follow through. (Really DnJ, two negatives in that sentence could I make that any harder to follow). I hope he keeps his word. (That’s better)

You are handling yourself well in all this. I know you are keeping expectations low, a wise choice. And I see you have hope, another wise choice.

Heck your a cat person, you know how to handle this kind of thing.

Have a wonderful day.

DnJ

[peacetoday]

that's sounds promising
I hope OD finds his way