It is a tough situation because she has the kids, so you may need to step in when needed
Also may be a better idea to get full custody (if possible) or at least more custody- and let her go do her thing with no responsibility- especially if she cant handle the day to day things like having enough food for the kids, finances and taking care of her kids
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
You did the right thing in purchasing groceries for them. . As for purchasing things for her, i.e., clothes and fun things, she will need to wait until payday. She's learning the hard way that money only goes so far and needs to learn how to spend wisely.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hamburg, I second and third all the comments about your goodness.
I gave my H money for food when he was between jobs until he filed, and he has not helped me financially in any way or given me anything for house or the kids since BD though he lives here. I finally stopped when he filed, it was great to have that excuse to say I couldn't do that anymore "obviously" now that he had filed.
But he still complains to me daily about how poor he is and does not notice that I work many jobs to feed our kids and hold on to our house.
Point is, you can't teach your W a lesson. But you can keep taking care of your kids while their mom is crazy. And you can let them witness your goodness and grace in doing so without weaponizing them.
I always try to search my heart when I am trying to make a decision like this, and ask if my motivation is towards goodness and forgiveness and love for the kids especially, or if there is some vengeance or judgment in it. Usually when I do that, it's clear what I should do.
On a practical level, keep a journal of all the times you had to do that and of anything else. This will help you with custody. I agree with Job about that.
I think you will have to pay for their groceries and clothes many times over. I think every time they see you left groceries, they will feel very loved and taken care of, so focus on that.
Last edited by Gerda; 02/07/1901:50 PM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Thanks guys. She will drop the kids off tonight and I will give her groceries then. I may also give her a grocery gift card and a gift card to target or wal mart. I thought about giving her cash but that's probably not a good idea. After all that's happened, it pains me to see her like this. I know she is in a bad place mentally. I will take the kids out shopping as well. Hopefully the kids don't notice the struggle.
Gift cards can be re-sold or re-purposed. There's a whole industry devoted to that. In fact stocking up on gift cards is a common way that is recommended for stay at home mom's to accumulate a nest egg to leave their marriages.
Now I live in a small town so it's easy where I could easily set up an account there. It may be best if she puts together a grocery list and you could buy it online and have it there for her to pick up. A number of grocery stores do that as a convenience now. Some will even bring it right out to your car. You wouldn't have to directly interact at all which I am sure would be a relief for you.
I also think you want to ensure that she knows that this is just temporary and that she needs to get her act sorted out.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I would give her a gas card as well as a gift card to target or Walmart so that she can purchase the necessities. Continue to clothe and feed your children, as to seeing to their medical and dental issues. If, an emergency comes up w/your wife, you can then decide what you need to do to ensure her health and well being...but for foolish spending...no.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Got her a few store-specific gift cards and will buy groceries for them as well. She actually texted me and said thanks. Not something I expected. My birthday is coming up and her parents sent me gifts. It feels strange because that doesn't usually happen in divorce, does it? I am the only contact they have with regards to the kids. Her siblings are reaching out to me as well. Everyone is concerned. Isolationism cannot be good.
Her family can clearly see she is bonkers- so they will reach out to you the more support the better that is a good thing-
once my MIL realized her son has gone off the deep end and M a psycho she reached out to us and we kept a relationship going until her death
You are doing the right things and each day that passes-- we get more information so we can fix, change or adjust our responses and responsibilities to the MLCer
hang in
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
W actually texted and wished me happy birthday. I didn't realize that small thing would bring me joy, but it did. She didn't even wish me a merry christmas when I was over with the kids.
Meanwhile, her father sent me a very special and sentimental gift.....one he always said he would leave to me in his will. In his card he said I will continue to be a part of his life.
Its very bittersweet and filled with mixed emotions. I continue to pray for her and be the best father for my kids. They asked me if they could live with me. I didn't reply to them. I don't think they have much of a life over at her house.
Tomorrow....I drop off groceries to them. We'll see how that goes.
