New thread- Newcomer pre-bomb drop

[Bern19]

I think the light bulb has gone off in my brain. It seems over the past couple years I've become much better at talking a great game instead of actually trying to be great. It's a bit scary, but I know what I need to do, I've just let too many things influence me away from doing them. I feel had I been "finished" with her after the initial discovery, or when I learned she was still fabricating ways to "run into" him in public, I would be much better off than I am today. I need to stop using the the thought of my kids being hurt by me leaving as an excuse to continue to allow her to disrespect our marriage. I've redirected that worry about the kids being hurt by me moving on and placed it squarely on her for betting their emotional safety on the idea that no one will find out about her and the OM's affair. If their affair gets blown up publicly, yes it will be embarrassing for the two of them, but l can't waste time worrying about that. What I need to worry about is how my kids would be publicly humiliated. I can't take the chance of them being blindsided by that and ridiculed by their friends for God knows how long...

So it's clear what I need to do. I was ready to do it right before Christmas, but let the idea of ruining my kids' Christmas stop me from action. I said I'd revisit it after the holidays. So now I find myself a month down the road. Nothing has changed other than I know she is still talking with him. Once again I find myself is a situation where I know what I should do. Once again there are circumstances that make me question the timing of it being done. Last time it was Christmas.... now, we have a family vacation coming up that was planned 6 months ago, pre discovery. We are scheduled in mid Feb to take our kids to Disney. The two younger ones have never been and I was looking forward to making some lifelong memories with them. Now from where I sit I have a few options. #1- Lay low & wait till after the vaca to go dark on my ww, continue to work on detachment and GAL. #2 Tell ww that I'm done, right now, and will not be coming with them on vaca. #3- Tell ww that i'm done, and go on vaca anyway and just deal with her as little as I must while we are there. I think I know which one I think is right, but would like some input from others. While I feel like I'm thinking more clearly now, I still would be grateful for some insight from those that have traveled this road before.


Also, I am going to go to my IC session on Saturday. I'm going to let our therapist know that I believe I've had a moment of clarity. That while I've known for some time that I need to stop trying to control a situation i have no control over, I am finally at a place where I feel strong enough to "let go of the rope". I will tell her why. Not because I want her to use her influence on my wife, but so she knows what finally pushed me to stand up for myself and my MR. I will also tell her that I'm done doing joint MC sessions with my wife as we clearly aren't on the same page. I will ask her to continue as my individual counselor, but only if she feels it's appropriate based on the circumstances.

Thanks for the tough love, I know you all probably get frustrated with us that struggle with something that seems so obvious to you. All I can plead is ignorance. Obviously if doing what I thought was right or normal worked, I wouldn't be in this sitch.

[AnotherStander]

Hmmm, well yeah that's a tough one. Knowing what you know I would think it would be kind of tough not to be cold towards her, and if you don't say something she's going to wonder what's up and see it as you being passive/aggressive. So I don't think #1 will work. #2, I would say absolutely not. Go for the kids no matter what. #3, probably the best option. But I would put it to her this way- "we planned this vacation 6 months ago and I am going for the kids. I would prefer that you didn't go, but I will leave that choice up to you."

[SoTorn]

This isnt easy. I loved my WW so deeply. I truly did. I truly wanted to do everything I could to make her feel valued and appreciated and save my M. At the time I didn't see how badly my WW was treating me. I mean I guess I did but I just thought it was normal. I still loved her and wanted her badly. She was my world.

But she strayed and continues to speak with OM. Therefore, I took that huge step back, focused on myself and my kids and dropped the rope. Now I am solely focused on myself and my kids. My date to move out is coming very quickly. My financial plan will start very quickly once I get my bonus from work here.

I am looking forward to getting past this and moving on from my WW.

You will figure it all out. I really don't know how I dropped the rope so quickly. I listen to the song "Awful Things" from Lil Peep quite often. I guess taking that song to heart really helped me move on. In the song he talks about how the awful things his ex says to him help him detach from her and thanks her for that.

[Ready2Change]

What about option #4? Option #5 and #6 look better as well.

[Bern19]

Hmmm, well yeah that's a tough one. Knowing what you know I would think it would be kind of tough not to be cold towards her, and if you don't say something she's going to wonder what's up and see it as you being passive/aggressive. So I don't think #1 will work. #2, I would say absolutely not. Go for the kids no matter what. #3, probably the best option. But I would put it to her this way- "we planned this vacation 6 months ago and I am going for the kids. I would prefer that you didn't go, but I will leave that choice up to you."

yeah, i've noticed that my detachment has taken a turn for the worse. I do catch myself being cold towards her now where a month ago, I was happy to just be focused on me. Finding out she was lying is bad, cheating was even worse, but this recent turn where she is pretending to work on the marriage all while continuing contact with OM and lying about it is turning me sour. Maybe that's what it took to knock some sense into me.

I don't know if i could enjoy myself if I go with option # 1, because I'll be resenting her spoiling our vaca with her lies. #3 is what I was leaning towards, but I like the "prefer you didn't go" add on...

This isnt easy. I loved my WW so deeply. I truly did. I truly wanted to do everything I could to make her feel valued and appreciated and save my M. At the time I didn't see how badly my WW was treating me. I mean I guess I did but I just thought it was normal. I still loved her and wanted her badly. She was my world.

But she strayed and continues to speak with OM.

This sounds so much like me. At first I didn't even consider leaving. I went straight into heavy pursuit. I just figured if I could show her how much I loved her, it would break the spell and she'd fall back into my arms. Now that I have some distance, I too am realizing how poorly she's been treating me. I always felt like if I could just do better or be better, she would notice and would change how she treated me. I guess that's why I was so eager to get into reconciling.

What about option #4? Option #5 and #6 look better as well.

I'm willing to listen to any other options. One thing i've realized is I need to stop acting like I can figure this out on my own. I can no longer afford to be the stubborn jerk that refuses to ask for directions or to look at the assembly instructions.

[Adam04]

Hey Bern,

Commenting on the part where you said she will be spoiling it with her lies. I know I have a hard time with his too, I'm left in the dark with my wife and sometimes I wished I would know concrete info to mKe some sense of it. You already know what you do so all of this is pretty much reflective of how you control your feelings. 1and3 she's going to be there. Imagine her there already and imagine how you want to be for the kids. Let her do her thing if she wants to tag along but spend that awesome time with the kids. How about from now until then the focus is not on her, how her lies make you feel this way or that, you alrdy know what you know, it won't be new info. Spend time planning how you want to spend those wonderful days with the kids. Just a suggestion. Show her you are moving on.

I don't know best way to deal with her current lying except if you're up front , stop MC, stop pretending, but don't stop living with your kids.

[Bern19]

Thanks Adam, I started to catch up on your sitch, I’m only halfway through but it sure sounds familiar. It’s crazy to me how much alike most of our situations are.

I appreciate the thoughts. I’m struggling with the approach when the wife is pretending to work on the marriage. I never really got a bomb drop, I discovered her affair after suspecting it for years. She’s given me the ILYBINILWY, but shortly after made a big production about how she “chooses us” and off to counseling we went. But I never sensed that she was remorseful or even that concerned with how hurt I was. Of course this is all easy to see now that it’s clear she’s still in contact with him. But if you ask her she’ll tell you we are working on the marriage.

I just can’t keep going like this. It’s been 4 months since Dday and I see all this progress I’ve made on myself, yet I don’t see anything promising from her. I’m to the point where I know what I have to do, but like Sandi told you, there is always something else coming up that be can use as an excuse to delay it, but we just have to have faith and do what we’ve come to understand as the best way forward. At least that’s where I see myself now.

Tomorrow I go to see the IC and then the plan is to put the ww on notice. I’m not willing to go on this way. I can’t continue to pretend that we are a big happy family... going out with friends, out to eat as a family, sit together in church on Sunday, etc. I will not be moving out of my home, but I’d prefer not to share my home with her while the OM is still in the picture. I can’t make her leave, but I can stop the charade. Once we get back from our vacation, we’ll revisit the living arrangements. Perhaps once her secret is out, she will be emboldened to move out and experience the freedom she seems to long for. I’ve made my peace with that, well as much as I think I possibly can.

[ovrrnbw]

The LBS is often far ahead of the WS in terms of self progress.

How do you plan to put your W "on notice"? Why wait and go play family with her on a vacation and then tell her to get out? You think that will be a fun vacation or something?

[Bern19]

Update time- After meeting with the IC on Saturday, she agreed that I have to confront the ww about the continued contact. She made it very clear that she feels I should go on the vacation with my kids, though. So, that left me with two options. Confront the ww now, and deal with the fallout before and while on vacation... IC felt things could be better or worse, It's hard to tell how she will respond. Or, try to keep the lid on this till after we return, taking the time to work on detachment, and then sitting her down when we return. She advised me that it will be hard, and will affect how much fun I have with my kids, but if things don't go well after confronting her, I'm risking the entire vacation. She said only I will know when I can no longer continue the charade. She really seemed to understand my struggle but wanted to make sure I didn't do anything to jeopardize the kids trip.

So, I decided that is what I'll do. Ramp up my GAL and detachment and keep the lid on the info I have. Great plan.... Then yesterday I got a text from OM's wife. She sent me a pic my WW sent to her WH. It's a pic of her with shirt pulled up and grabbing her bra covered breasts. Definitely not a pic she ever sent to me. OM's wife immediately texted my WW and told her to cease and desist. OM's wife didn't tell WW that she contacted me. So, I get home and of course WW didn't say anything. So laying in bed i ask her if she has anything to say. She him-hawed around and finally came clean about OM's wife contacting her about this pic she found. WW claimed it was pre D-day. Time stamp on the pic was 12/1. She claimed that was just from when he screenshot it so he could delete her text. Only problem is you can see the sleeve of her winter coat in the pic. Not too many days in September that she would have needed her winter coat on. (D-day was 10/3). If that wasn't enough, the coat she is wearing in the pic was purchased in late Oct. when we went out of town for the day. Oops, guess that pic is two months after D-day.

So, I ended up telling her that I can't keep going like this. We both knew she was lying and that I didn't want to listen to her talk anymore. Still didn't tell her I know about the other communications and the offer of the secret phone from the friend. I did tell her she obviously doesn't know what she wants, but it clearly isn't me. I suggested a separation. She didn't want that, I persisted but she didn't want us to make any decisions right then. Last thing I said to her is that I am no longer willing to share my life with her while she shares hers with him.

Today the OM's wife followed him and sure enough, the two of them were together (in a small group, but still together) I guess OM's wife went off of them. She texted me to let me know, and the wife texts immediately to try to explain why she had to talk to him. She needed to find out what happened yesterday and ask him why he still has her naughty pictures. Yeah right.... She's texted a couple of other times to say she's sorry. Then again later saying the reason she can't tell me big things is I refuse to believe her on the little things. Really? it's a bit hard to believe anyone when they lie about this sitch on EVERY SINGLE incident. Oh, and she asked "what about our trip?" I only responded once, about the trip. Wish I hadn't of even done that now. Told her "I don't know what to do, I guess we'll have to figure it out." I still want to take my kids to Disney.

So, unlike many of you. My wife continues to pretend she's working on the marriage. Many of you have been BD by your spouse about wanting separation or divorce. But what do you do when the wife continues to pretend she's wanting to work on the marriage? She's accusing me of wanting to quit. I just can't keep going while she hides everything from me. She's great at apologizing, just bad at keeping OM out of her life.

[LH19]

So, unlike many of you. My wife continues to pretend she's working on the marriage.

Actually it is not uncommon for a WW to pretend she is working on the marriage. Especially early on when they do not know where they stand with OM.

She's accusing me of wanting to quit.

She is manipulating you!

I just can't keep going while she hides everything from me. She's great at apologizing, just bad at keeping OM out of her life.

Well what does Bernie want? Are you willing to share your W with another man? Until you are able to stand up and say this is BS, nothing will change in your situation.