Please start a new thread and link the threads together.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Your marriage issues are not for discussion with your kids. They are not your kids problem to resolve. Yes you can update them on any logistical changes and explain your behavior, but beyond that dont discuss your M or WW with them.
Just make sure the kids know that you both love them and will both be there for them no matter what.
Please start a new thread and link the threads together.
I can guess why...but why? And how do I do that?
That's just the rule here, when you hit 10 pages then you start a new thread. Title it the same as this one with part X after, so "Marriage and depression part 2". Copy the URL of the new thread and post it as your last post in this thread. Copy the URL of this thread and post it in the first post of the new one. In the first post of the new one it helps to give a brief synopsis of your situation.
Hi Dave, I'm a little late arriving on your thread but you've received help from some of the board's best. I'm going to jump right in by telling you to let go of that list of things where your WW said you messed up. Here's what a WW will do. She wants the H to believe everything is his fault, so she puts his mistakes/short comings in the spotlight. She wants to justify her waywardness by blaming her H for the fact that she is breaking up the family to have an A with some guy. She will feed you a menu of bs. That's why you should not believe that she is doing all this stuff b/c you have been such a horrible H. She wants you to take the fall for her affair.
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Originally Posted by LH19 David no one is telling you to be mean and unsupportive. Don't confuse that with not being a doormat and weak.
I think I understand...but not really. I know what the words mean, but I don't know what to do in practice.
How about starting here: You stop feeling that you have to accommodate her. You stop trying to please her by becoming this idea of a Super Husband she's painted. Get rid of that laundry list of complaints, b/c you could do every one perfectly and it would not make one ounce of difference. Why? B/c that was in the past, and now this isn't about all her complaints..........it's about your W being wayward. Her disrespect for you as a man and as her H is the root of her waywardness. Therefore, everything you do needs to draw respect. She's not going to feel respect, if you are crying like a baby and begging her not to leave you. She's not going to respect you if allow her to walk all over you, bully you, shout obscenities, put you down in front of your sons, etc. See what I mean? You've got to find your backbone and don't be afraid to stand tall and learn to pucker your lips and make this sound, "No".
In order for her to face reality, you must stop accommodating her. She doesn't appreciate your accommodation, she EXPECTS it. It's time for her to put on her big girl panties.
Btw, if you feel tears coming on, run for the bathroom and bury your face in a stack of towels, or leave the house until you've calmed down.
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That is where my concern is....she told me all the things I messed up and didn't do. Now I'm doing it and it's not good? It leaves me confused. If I do these things I come across as doormat, when I don't do them I wonder if she thinks she was right all along and that I will never change
No, b/c you are like the monkey dancing to her music box. That's no good. You are under the impression if you "please" her and get "good enough" it will change her mind and she won't leave you. That's not how it works. The things she listed has nothing to do with respecting you as a man. She's not going to tell you what you need to do for her to respect you........but I will.
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I want nothing more than to find a way to a much better marriage with my wife. The difficult part is that she does not seem interested in that...although I really do not know what she is thinking
I understand, but she's not thinking about you. She is thinking of being free. She is in a fantasy that she's created. The only thing that will bring her out of it is.......loss & reality.
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I often wonder if I am really that unloveable, that horrible of a person that I got what I deserved. For months I am seeking advice and get it, but I feel no wiser.
It's b/c you believed her bs. Stop it. You became so dependent on her b/c you have no social life apart from your family. You have no local friends. Her and the kids are all you've had, and that adds to your fear of being without her. Some of these LBS's can tell you how shy people can meet new people and make friends. Okay? One thing for sure, they aren't going to come up to your front door and ask if they can be your friend. So, go where there are people and mingle.
Before you can save anything, and before you can have a great MR, you must save yourself. You need to read books that will help you build self esteem. You need to nourish your spirit. Take good care of your physical health. That's why we tell you to look out for yourself. You have to focus on doing what's best for you and the kids.......and leave her to deal with her waywardness. Stop accommodating her. She is not a royal princess, even if she has a sense of entitlement.
Last edited by Cadet; 02/01/1906:57 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
