Building my best self and life with or without W

[ovrrnbw]

If you want her to really be in, then you get a lawyer, file divorce and if somewhere down the line she starts showing you she is willing to do what it takes by actions, we’ll, I think that would be ideal.

I will add to this by saying that I don't think Did wants a divorce so right there I don't recommend filing for divorce. But, I also think that Did has never given her space, never really gone dark or stopped pursuing her. I would recommend that he does those things.

Give that a month or two and I imagine her tone may change. I don't see a divorce stopping this unhealthy cycle. If the cycle is to stop, Did must stop it. No frivolous conversations, no extra thoughts, simple yes or no answers to his W's questions.

Did, what would you ex say/do/think if you were to start dating someone else?

[Did]

I’m just going to go in to lunch with an open mind. Ask her what she wants. See how it goes. Mention leveling up my life in certain areas and she can be in or out.

Having this date came about because counselor recommended saying w could go back and forth years.

[Ginger1]

Ask her what SHE wants? She gets to call the shots?

So what does being "in" mean to you?

She is going to give you minimal to keep herself hooked and getting paid.

I am just not following your logic, but clearly, you are going to do what you are going to do.

I think it is going to be detrimental to your own progress.

But to each his own, I think I commented enough and you have chosen your actions.

[Did]

When I started dating someone else she came back last time. I refuse to build another unhealthy foundation. She can choose to be with me for the right reasons or she can go kick rocks

[SteveLW]

I agree with Ginger. In the last 2 years how many lunches/dinners/conversations have you had along these lines. HOW is this one different? From her perspective it is just more of the same. Did says what he wants, she gives no answers, nothing changes, Did starts plotting his next "discussion" with her. She learns nothing. She has to make no changes. All she has to do is wait until the cycle repeats, play coy, and allow it to die down.

Did, I believe this time is different. But will she?

[Did]

Yea it’s dofferent because I’m cutting support drastically. And She told me she missed me and we had sexual intimacy late December and I told her after that not to contact me because it wasn’t healthy for me. We’re getting to an end game here. Whether it’s sad or not is besides the point. I refuse to have unhealthy relationships in my life. I will reach my potential and live an incredible life. With or without her.

[Ginger1]

So, you want her to come back because you are cutting support drastically? Is that a reason you want her to pretend like she is going to do what you want?

[Did]

I’m not going to even discuss the support. I’m going to ask her what she wants. And I’m going to mention some things I’m doing with my life. Including blog / book which will be pretty personal. As well as discuss D4. If she shows no interest in being more than d4s mom in my life. I’m going to tell her she should do the work to get the divorce and that I’m done with separation and leeway. End game. Maybe we won’t even get there if we just get along well maybe I leave it at that and give more time. I really don’t have an exact plan but I don’t want this separation to continue. And I’m paying less support.

[Did]

Agreed to get support in writing to go until July. Which is one year. Least amount of time. Could be 1.5 years according to attorney. I will check with attorney that this would hold up in court. And only child support after that. Had some good conversations. W mentioned she likes spending time with me. Had 2.5 hours sitting together at lunch. I still feel like it’s over and done. Going to work on detaching further. When she gets mad or upset it still pulls on my heart so more work to do there - detaching. Nothing else to be said. Going dark unless she is serious about wanting to recon.

[SteveLW]

Did, any consideration, if you are really done with separation, at filing for D? I know we are an anti-D board but man its been two years. I think you should cut-bait at this point. Plus that sends a very clear message without you saying a word that you are done with separation.

I wish AnotherStander would chime in. He always says eventually the LBS is usually the one to file for D. She is going to coast in limbo, doing anything she wants, until you make the next move.