Just spoke with her mother. W has alienated herself from the family. They last spoke on her mom's birthday and it did not go well. None of the grandparents have spoken to the kids in over a month unless I call them. Brothers and sister haven't spoken with her in 2 months. They are worried. Is this part of the MLC process? Why won't she reach out to family? That has always been such an important part of her life. It seems she wants to just live out this fantasy no matter who it destroys.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
The MLCer becomes the opposite of who you knew. They will push away anything and everyone who reminds them of the life they are running from, or will not go along with their new fantasy reality. Throwing away family is bizarre and demonstrates how much in crisis she is.
My W threw away her four children. Stating, there was only four things she wanted from the house, her kids. But she was willing to risk loosing them for her chance at happiness.
It is interesting she referred to them as things, and considered them part of, or furniture within the house and expendable. It is bizarre, heartbreaking, and a clear sign of a person over the edge. As odd as this will sound, I found peace in that. W threw away everything, me, kids, dogs, parents, house, cars, aunt, uncle, friends, everyone, presents, belongs, etc... It is pretty obvious this is about her.
This is about your W, not you. You didn’t break her, you cannot fix her.
Originally Posted by Hamburg
It seems she wants to just live out this fantasy no matter who it destroys.
Yes, she does, and will.
She has to do this, driven to do this. Anything or anyone getting in her way will be run over. She is running on emotions, scared, excited, frantic, desperate. And desperate people do desperate things.
She is already destroyed. Bomb drop destroys her as well. You have to rebuild yourself, and she has to rebuild herself.
Focusing on you and kids. Living the best version of you. All helps you.
This is part of the process, and it too shall pass.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I also want to add that the more family and friends try to talk to her about what she's doing, the more determined she will be to continue on the path that she is traveling. MLCers take on new friends, i.e., people that they would not have associated w/prior to the crisis. Spouse, children, family and even pets are put up on a shelf and they do not tend to visit or socialize w/during the crisis, sometimes a little bit of socialization, but not much. When she begins returning to earth, she will reconnect in the opposite way, you, the spouse being the last to reconnect with.
She is the mirror image (opposite) of the person she was. No matter what anyone says, she has to travel the path she is on in order to come out the other side and hopefully a more mature, settled woman.
Keep the focus on you and your children. Let go, Let God take care of her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Personally I'm on the "selfish jerk" theory more so than "MLC".
Originally Posted by Hamburg
Just spoke with her mother. W has alienated herself from the family. They last spoke on her mom's birthday and it did not go well. None of the grandparents have spoken to the kids in over a month unless I call them. Brothers and sister haven't spoken with her in 2 months. They are worried. Is this part of the MLC process? Why won't she reach out to family? That has always been such an important part of her life. It seems she wants to just live out this fantasy no matter who it destroys.
Yes. And anyone who stands between them and their "happiness" is collateral damage.
There are also other layers here that none of us are really qualified to understand. Is there guilt? Shame? Certainly a recurring theme is that they don't want to be "judged". In my case my ex-wife's sister and brother quite supported her having an affair and "having fun". Because they themselves had done so repeatedly. So she grew quite close to her sister who she previously despised for at least a time.
For some I think that once they've "crossed the line" that there is no going back. It would mean facing that they have hurt people including themselves.
No clue what's going on in my ex-wife's life now. It's been about 3 1/2 years since the start of her affair, 4+ probably since she started on the "it's all about me" path and she's cut ties with pretty much everyone except a small group of supporters and has become intensely private on social media.
This is where we have to let go of their journey and outcome lest we get mired up in the mud with them.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
MY XH left his home, business kids and family of origin His mother passed many years back..
As far as I know, His sisters said he never acknowledged his moms death And still 10 years later- he has not reconnected with his sisters or his kids
I think he is a rare bird b/c he is also an alcoholic-sober a long time until MLC
I would do as you are Be the best father you can for your kids make sure they are safe- let her go--she will continue to do bizarre things and possibly get sicker in the next few months/years
Im sorry but the outcome here is usually not great-at least for a chunk of time-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
My H was the same. He never even told his mom that he filed. When I finally told her because it seemed weird to keep trading recipes via e-mail without mentioning it, she said she hadn't talked to him since June, and that was in September. He had already been speaking to her almost never since MLC started. And he of course stopped speaking to my (now 91-year old and very forgiving) dad, with whom he regularly had 2 hour phone conversations before MLC.
But my MIL also has abandoned us since this happened. She can't face it. She was a huge part of my kids' life and then my mom died in year two of MLC -- so my kids have no idea what happened to their dad and everyone else. They are totally isolated from loving family except me.
I don't agree with the selfish jerk characterization. The outcome is of course selfish and painful. I believe that they have to create a new reality in order to not completely implode or kill themselves. My H wrote me a long letter explaining how he wasn't leaving a marriage but a feudal civilization. It's totally insane but it is a good way not to face the fact that he is actually leaving a marriage and that his W and kids do not want him to.
You can be sure that any relationship based on lies, whether it's lies told to all who love them or the lies she is telling herself, cannot last. It's only a matter of time before that affair relationship sinks into the sand on which it is built.
Last edited by Gerda; 02/05/1910:35 PM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
My XH didn't tell his family that he was leaving me - I did. At first they seemed as shocked and dismayed as I (or at least MIL was) but as the MLC deepened they made the choice to stick by him. He never really cut off ties with them though.
I have no idea what has been said or done between them now, but whatever it was I am now totally out of their lives - even though I live in the same town, house their blood relatives (my sons), and have offered a number of olive branches. They will speak to me on the street, but they will not include me in any family activities even when there is no chance of XH and his OW attending.
Whatever this crisis is, I don't think it's tied up with FOO issues. XH's father was definitely physically abusive when XH was a boy, but they still see each other whenever they can. XH's mother was always very supportive of him - she always defended him against his father and she always spoke well to him.
For these reasons I'm with AndrewP on this one. On the basis that there is no evidence to point to anything else, I have to conclude that XH is a selfish, entitled jerk.
If your spouse shows confusion, extreme changes in behaviour, or operating on mostly emotional “reasoning” they are probably are in some kind of crisis. We all have issues, hurts, and damage - their’s is just possibly bigger and/or their coping mechanism is less developed, so MLC hits. The depression of lost time and a short time left ahead of you and all the things they didn’t do, etc.. etc... is a recipe for a big problem. And then comes bomb drop.
I’ve read a lot of situations here and some spouses were jerks before BD, and they do seem to get worse. So yes the selfish jerk absolutely exists, I just believe that MLC is also involved in some cases. I don’t see how being selfish explains leaving kids, family, and ruining your life. Being selfish is one thing, but some of these people are making really poor decisions.
A “normal” selfish person would be invested in self. Would make decisions for the best for them. When they making snap emotionally based life altering decisions, it looks more than just being self centered, it looks like running.
Of course everyone is different, and every spouse is different. We all see our situations with our views and beliefs, and our spouses all have differing quantities of selfish jerk and MLCer emotional running within them. It leads to such a difficult diagnosis of cause, even though the effect is pretty darn clear.
For my situation, W was selfish back in her teens. Like all of us, a self centered adolescent. She and I grew up, had kids, lived, loved, laughed. Then kablooey. She has shown confusion, thought she was going insane and crazy, had an extreme change from loving faithful wife and mother. I have spoken to her different personalities, all of them adolescent, and therefore all of them self centered, just worse. A bad teen with money.
She is back in time, living something, I don’t know what. She has become a sad confused women, who threw away her own children. Selfish just doesn’t cover all of it.
MLC is a real thing.
Selfish jerk is a real thing.
The proportions are just in question.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
W now asking for money. She is flat broke until her next paycheck in 10 days. I'm torn. I know shes mentally in a bad place. I think at the very least I can buy groceries for them and drop them off at the house. I think about the affair, the egregious spending but I don't want to see her or my kids suffer. This process is so taxing.
