Marriage and depression

[SoTorn]

You cant go full dark. Go dim. That is what I do. Minimal contact, not hanging out in the same room for very long. Always be busy reading etc.

[DaveK]

Thanks for the insightful and helpful posts. I will respond to them soon. Today was another rough day. Met with a lawyer and he explained to me what risk I am exposed to currently and how to minimize it beyond what I already did. I changed the car loan payments to hit my account, same for car insurance. Still have to move my son's cell phone service over, but they sent the emails to my wife's email account. I told her, but other than an "ok" I got nothing.
I have to see when that charge posts and if that service allows for number transfers. Worst case I transfer the number to TracFone for some time and then back to the original service. I doubt I will get any assistance from my wife. By now she ought to have figured out what the heck is going on.
With that I pulled even more money out of the shared account. It now has enough in it to cover her scheduled CC payment. I also pulled a credit report on myself to make sure that she did not open any other accounts in my name. I have no idea what she entered as income to get her second card.
Lawyer also said that I am not legally required to give her any money as long as she lives in the house and has basic needs met. I will give her money and also reimburse her for any household expenses.

For most of the day I was in the mode of calling up the lawyer and telling him to draw up the divorce papers. I have to sleep at least once over this and think. I am aggravated, annoyed, and deeply sad. All this is crap I don't want to do, but I have to protect the family.
Of course, if she moves out and takes the kids with her, I am screwed. With her not having any income the spousal and child support will kill me financially. I'd lose the house and all the equity in it. I can only hope that she is mother enough to not do that so that the kids' lives are not disrupted even more, but that is largely out of my control.
Why the heck is she so ridiculously stupid????? Not that you would know.

[Ready2Change]

Of course, if she moves out and takes the kids with her...

If this is a real concern, speak with your lawyer if there are legal steps you can take to prevent this.

[DejaVu6]

Don’t make any big decisions while you are feeling emotional Dave. Give yourself some time. Deal with the present and spend less time going down the cheeseless tunnel of “what if”. Has she said she is moving out? Does she have the means to do it?

[Adam04]

For most of the day I was in the mode of calling up the lawyer and telling him to draw up the divorce papers. I have to sleep at least once over this and think. I am aggravated, annoyed, and deeply sad. All this is crap I don't want to do, but I have to protect the family.
Of course, if she moves out and takes the kids with her, I am screwed. With her not having any income the spousal and child support will kill me financially. I'd lose the house and all the equity in it. I can only hope that she is mother enough to not do that so that the kids' lives are not disrupted even more, but that is largely out of my control.
Why the heck is she so ridiculously stupid????? Not that you would know.

Be careful on being in an emotional state for this. I know you are not ready for this so please back up off the ledge. One minute you're motivated by emotion to do anything for family, and now after talking to lawyer you're motivated behind emotion to protect the family by D, which you know would place her in a very bad financial sitch with the kids, so for her to survive, what do you think you are forcing her to do then?

What is one night's sleep going to do when you've been in this state for many, many months? This process is not an overnight one and it will help you with your emotional control. Please allow yourself much more time.

Consider doing this at least when you've been calm for a while, a long while.

Although your lawyer said you don't have a legal obligation to support W, I think you have some moral one. I do say this loosely like if she is driving a car to get from point A to B and its almost out of gas. Show compassion at all times.

Let it simmer down. Be in control, think on it for a while.

One reason why I am just now speaking to a lawyer after 5 months is because of this very reason. You DO NOT want to start this process and then be on the fence about it. its not a tool you use to get back at W for all the pain and confusion she has caused.

She is in a fog. She doesn't even know what she is doing to some degree.

You said you spoke to lawyer who helped you to minimize risk. Was the actual D a part of that conversation because it looks like it wasn't. I don't see how a lawyer looking out in your best interest to save your marriage is going to say go ahead and D and hope she doesn't take you to the cleaners and hope she will automatically be able to support her and her kids.

She will see this as an attack and her survival instinct will kick in. Let me ask you, do you see her actions as an attack and what is your response? What are you wanting to do to her that you hope she is not going to do to you?

[DaveK]

Of course, if she moves out and takes the kids with her...

If this is a real concern, speak with your lawyer if there are legal steps you can take to prevent this.

I discussed this with the lawyer and by NY law there can be joint and sole custody. I have to pay child support if the kids do not live with me. Add to that spousal support and I am toast. Can I prevent her loading the kids up in the car and taking them somewhere I don't know. No, I cannot prevent that. I work outside the home and if she does that I need to get with police I guess. This did not happen, so no point in thinking about it.

[SoTorn]

Dave, pump the brakes on D. You are in no state of mind to be filing right now. DB is about focusing on yourself and detaching. If she wants a D, let her do the legwork for now. Don't do anything right yet. Wait a while. I am ready for D, but I havent taken action. I won't until I am sure I will feel like this for several months.

[DaveK]

Don’t make any big decisions while you are feeling emotional Dave. Give yourself some time. Deal with the present and spend less time going down the cheeseless tunnel of “what if”. Has she said she is moving out? Does she have the means to do it?

That is why I want to sleep over it at least a night. Things always look different the next morning.
I did cancel the shared CC and I did tell her about it before I did it. Technically, I took her off as authorized signer, put a lock on the account, and requested a new card with a new number. Once I have that and activated it I can take the lock back off. I might get into a situation where I need money....trying really hard to avoid that.
I also take her off as beneficiary of any retirement plans and life insurances. If it comes to a divorce I will no longer be legally allowed to make those changes. I put my sons in as primary beneficiaries.

What riled me up a bit was the photos and images that I saw in the shared Amazon Photo folder. Those include screen shots of messages where WW complains about OM being drunk and mean as well as him demanding that she takes her clothes off while he was sitting in public. I saved copies of all those images. It hurt a lot and I have no idea if those will be of use at any point, but it clearly shows that her affair is still ongoing. She made promises to him to support him. I wonder how? I also wonder what she entered as income for her second CC as she essentially has none.

I've done enough for today. Except that I want to read up about Escitalopram (antidepressant) and if Lansoprazole (prescription antiacid) has any impact on the effectiveness of the antidepressant. My father in law used to drink a lot of grapefruit juice which turned out to be an inhibitor for his psych meds....so who knows.

No longer sure if I want to stay married to her. I am a nervous wreck, never was so betrayed in my life, I feel like trowing up, I run a fever...and I just want this nightmare to end. Maybe I need to pray to God....haven't done so before, but what do I know, maybe it helps. I cry myself to sleep now.....

[DaveK]

4.Empathy. The ability to recognize how people feel is important to success in your life and career.

That might be the thing she was referring to. I have a hard time picking up non-verbal cues. I do not know if I can learn that. As I mentioned earlier, she rarely said anything and when asked she gave the impression that everything is alright.

To me its overcoming emotion and still being rational in the way you respond, being cool headed in a crisis. Still thinking clearly and making sound decisions. Many people don't do this because they're hurt and egocentric, their self preservation kicks into high gear. Fight or Flight. In dealing with the opposite sex, it gets muddled up because you might feel awkward in the moment or not know what your spouse needs.

Ah, yes....I am more flight than fight, retract and step back rather than get into things. I'm like that all my life.

There are books that can help between a couple mentioned around here, talking about the 5 love languages. Have you ever talked to W to know hers and know what she likes or dislikes?

Those were the books I read first. I liked them minus the religious parts. WW definitely loves it when I do chores and spend quality time. Mine are quality time and touch. And my desires for quality time are low key. I don't need action, all I like is to know that she is here. Same for touch. The hugs in the morning gave me so much power and joy, a few seconds where I'd feel that the world cannot hurt me, that I am safe.

The story about you placing your hands on her shoulder and saying everything will be alright/OK kinda supports what she is referring to. You didn't even know what was bothering her, right? What if she felt guilty for her Affair and hurting you? What if she felt sad she could not be with OM? And instead of you trying to listen or understand her, you bypass all of that and put a lid on it with the "it will be OK"

After that you say she's been a certain way for a very long time, and you have not been able to address it. That is what I am talking about. Seems like she's been very withdrawn and you may not have known what to do.

In those situations I felt that I should not pressure her into telling me. I didn't say "don't tell me', but gave her the option to do so and she didn't want to. I honored that.
Yes, I have no idea what to do. If she does not tell me I have to guess. I don't know how to sense these things. Clearly an area I still have to learn a lot.

Validation is important on this site. It puts you on their side because you are understanding, you are listening. There is no arguing against you or saying you don't understand because you are showing her you do. You're getting them to open up, perhaps letting their guard down some. If you are in touch with your emotional side or sometimes people say feminine side, then you know what I mean.

Sometimes its okay to not be alright.

I know... men, we use logic. I like to say I see things in black and white. Like honesty is just that, its there or not there. Things are either present or absent. If a buddy of mine was feeling down, he'd tell me and I would most likely say that's no reason to feel down. That just seems illogical on why something like that could have an affect. My dog died, so what get a new one. know what I mean on that? (I know, sounds a little harsh but that's because there is no emotion there, its through the emotions do we establish the connections to form intimacy.)
men we use logic, we believe in honesty, loyalty, and action.

I'm not saying its your fault. I don't know truthfully what's going on with your W. We may never know. So far I see you as a kindhearted guy who is a softy whose W went looking online. You say you moved far away to be with her right? And she cooks Indian food and this is an guy from India. Is there a cultural difference there? Do you think she is trying to connect to someone who knows her culture and have you tried? How did that go if you did?

Well, when I was talking about looking under the hood of your relationship and running a diag, that was car metaphor talk for trying to find all the reasons why there is a problem of the relationship not running smoothly. Its not caused only because of her warwardness is basically what I was saying. There are other reasons to have made her do what she did. To make it better, you must first identify what contributed to the fall out. if you don't and she does give you a chance, you will be right back here somewhere down the road.

I understand this now better, thank you. Yes, there are other reasons, many reasons, good and bad. One big thing is that she felt as that I was not there when she needed me. I didn't know and understand that she needed me. I still feel utterly helpless in that regard. I don't know what to do and I feel immensely guilty for it. Especially the way WW put it, like that it was something that every person in the universe can do with ease but not me. I really question if something is significantly wrong with me. I have no clue what it is and what to do.....and that depresses the heck out of me. Not that you can give an answer....but is it that I am unable to love someone?

And what with the times I showed deep emotions? She reprimanded me for it. "Pull yourself together" ...."calm down"...."why are you crying?" Hmmmm....maybe those were the moments where she lacked EQ as well. She made me feel bad for feeling something.


Still scared like crap, sad...and feel like throwing up. And so many questions without answers.

[DaveK]

Dave, pump the brakes on D. You are in no state of mind to be filing right now. DB is about focusing on yourself and detaching. If she wants a D, let her do the legwork for now. Don't do anything right yet. Wait a while. I am ready for D, but I havent taken action. I won't until I am sure I will feel like this for several months.

I understand....it's the deep hurt that makes that out of a sudden seem like the great solution. It's not. D is crap, but I have no idea how to get that message to her. I don't think she wants to give up the deep emotional bond to OM, despite reality telling a completely different story.
What I want is feel safe, get a damn hug, and have someone tell me "I love you" and mean it. And I want to cry when I feel like crying. Maybe that is not EQ, or alpha, or whatever....but it's human. But do I really want to cry as much as I do lately? Going to the lawyer was horrible. I had a damn tough time to keep it together while I was there. I sat in the car crying for I don't know how long after I left. All this financial stuff is overwhelming. Taken her off that damn CC just felt so wrong. It's like me telling her that from now on you need to beg me for everything. Is this the way to make it clear to her that right now and for quite some time she just cannot be without me? Is facing economic reality helping with emotional reality?

I guess there is no point in waiting for a decent soul to cross my path who tells me "Sit back, relax, and let me fix this for you."

Sorry folks.....I love to write, can never be concise. Thank you everyone for sticking with me. You have no idea how much that means to me.