The Third Wish

[AndrewP]

Andrew P, I continue to be hopeful that one day, you will post without mind-reading about what your XW may or may not be doing.

Yeah - I'm looking forward to that day too.

When are you going to post your profile?

I have everything set up and had some friends review and give opinions. Decreased the amount of pie and left the amount of pork and kraut alone. Like I joke sometimes, I like to plan being impulsive. Right now I'm thinking of a day or so after Valentines. It's only a couple of weeks away. Two of the ladies who are high on my list of "seem nice" are still on there and actually have been for some time while regularly updating their profiles. So I'll start by reaching out to them. I do have a fair amount of terror going on. TBH - I'm largely comfortable with the life that I have but do know that a partner could make it much richer. I don't "need" someone and won't allow just anyone in to my life. I liked what the one woman posted on her POF profile. I think she's been getting a lot of hate mail about being far too picky. She said that she's on the site to get off of the site. But that she knows what she wants and is holding out for that. Maybe it's me? Maybe not. I may find out in a month.

One of the reasons I'm waiting is to see if CL does pop her head back up. Despite a number of red flags she is a pretty good match. I do really feel though that that ship has sailed. I wish her well and will undoubtedly bump in to her from time to time at family events. The last date we had was back in November though and there has been minimal contact since and certainly no invitation to get together. She knows where I am and presuming she follows my social media she would see that I am considering myself available.

What's happening with GSL? Or the lady from work who used to walk with you, I think you got ice cream once?

You have a better memory for my love life than I do GSL is I am sure a non-starter. Other than the once I've not gotten any vibes from her at all that she may be interested in anybody much less me. She knows how to find me, there are innocuous reasons why she could reach out. I believe she's on the "nice person and neighbour" list. The lady who I used to walk with and get ice cream would be someone I'd reach out to except for the fact that the logistics are really not do-able. I'm only in her geography on Thursdays and Fridays and to have a date on other days would be an all-day affair.

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So - some blather on a Saturday morning. I got up a bit earlier than usual, made myself some Lonely Girl pancakes (highly recommend the recipe) and thought I'd do an update now rather than later. Depending on how my day / weekend goes, there may be another. There may not. I'm unsupervised and this is an open forum so if I wanted to sit here with Amy snoozing on my arm cutting off the circulation and make poop jokes all morning I can. Although then poor job would have to edit them out - and I like her too much to to that.

A bit of news - and yes - on the ex-wife front. She and S24 were out on Thursday evening. He came home while I was doing dishes in a great mood and with a new sweater which he showed off. As is the usual when he's with his mother he very carefully didn't say that he was with her but his silence told me anyway. As did suddenly finding a large block of cheese in the fridge the next morning which he must have slipped in after I went to bed. I felt very offended. We own cheese and don't need her charity. But after a while I decided to just let it slide yet again. I may have a grilled cheese and creamy tomato soup for dinner (using the cheese I already owned).

I had car trouble on Thursday. The little battery idiot light came on while I was having a lovely call with D26 so after it going on and off a few times, I reluctantly ended the call and found an open Toyota dealership. I had a laugh when I pulled in because the guy checking me in didn't believe me when I said that my odometer reading was 509,000 some odd kilometers. I just looked at him blankly and said "well it IS a Toyota". The mechanic tried for about an hour to get the light to come back on and wasn't able to. The alternator, belt and battery all checked out fine. I'm thinking it was maybe a bad connection in the charging system. On the advice of a friend I re-tightened the gas cap - which can cause the check engine light to come on and things have been fine since.

When I was telling S24 about this, I was surprised that he already knew. He said that he had scrolled through my Facebook feed earlier. Yeah - probably on his mother's behalf. Le sigh.

The cheese undoubtedly means that she and her guy are still a thing. Yes - she did leave me for discount priced dairy products. Giving it to S24 was perhaps a way of telling me that. Or more likely was just her way of being both thoughtful and thoughtless and marking "her" territory.

On a more positive note - and the ancient philosopher Hubert J Farnsworth would exclaim "Good News Everyone" - S24 has paid off his student loans as of a week ago!!! This is a major step as I am sure all would agree. He has a couple of grand in the bank as well. He's not yet quit his job and has now said that he won't until he gets a new one but there have been a few close calls. I hope he took the chance to talk to his mother about all this. I could really use her assistance in pushing him along to a job where he could be self-supporting. Since he beat his target of having his loan paid off by a couple of months maybe he'll beat his target of moving out before mid-August as well. I can't stop cooking with cheese though - it keeps showing up here whether I buy it or not

My plan at present is to not charge him rent to allow him to build up a better nest egg that will maybe allow him to buy a car (he doesn't want my old one) for cash. I have suggested to him as well that he may need to move to another town for work. There is a bit of a housing shortage in this area.

An acquaintance of mine who was divorced on the same day as me has sold her house and is having difficulty looking for a rental in my village so I don't know what's out there. S24 could move in with his buddy who lives alone in a small house around the corner and "of course" there's always moving in with his mother which while it would be good for him and a nice dose of karma for her isn't likely to happen. I have though suggested that he move to her village as there are a number of companies there that he could work for.

Not too much to report from the call with D26. Things are going reasonably well in her world. They have put themselves on a waiting list for housing in San Diego that may allow them to keep to having just one vehicle. I know that if I lived there that I'd want something like a Works Electric Hollyburn P5 scooter (doodler you NEED one of these). If I had the budget for toys and a need to do short trips I'd certainly want one of these. Years ago when my ex first started working in the next village over she thought about getting a more traditional scooter as a fun and cheap way to get to work on nice days.

A bit of news on the job front. The rumours of my boss retiring are getting a "lot" louder. My one colleague who is in the same position as I am and was also very worried about his job now seems to have a lot more confidence. There are also rumours of a new supplier coming on for us to distribute for that would significantly increase our tonnage of resins. Just like in my personal life though I can't live for rumours and what-ifs. I need to do my best to see clearly what is in front of me.

Well - S24 just (surprisingly) wandered by. He's not usually up this early on a Saturday. Time for me to have my shower and get my erranding underway. Perhaps he's intending on coming along. That would be nice.

Until the next time.

[AndrewP]

Well this sort of freaked me out.

I was changing the bedding like I do every Saturday and found a long grey hair in the quilt.

Yes - I used to have long hair - down to mid-back - 3 years ago. If anyone wants tutorials on manly braids and buns I'm your fella. I've had a crew cut since bomb-day and am very unlikely to grow it out again.

I've mostly new bedding since then replacing the quilt about a year ago. This hair was a fair bit shorter than what I used to have but hair comes in all sorts of length when it's long. I suppose that my old ones are still drifting around the house despite my regular dusting and vacuuming.

But yeah. Disturbing.

[AndrewP]

Feeling weird this morning. Since I don't really have anyone handy to talk to IRL I'm going to ramble along here.

Content warning - more rambly than usual.

I was up late last night binge-watching the latest series of Father Brown Mysteries with undoubtedly too much beer. I rarely watch TV and had actually been intending to watch the movie Darkest Hour - but didn't want to cough up the $15 to Apple. Slept in this morning - the cats fortunately weren't intrusive. It's a beautiful sunny winter morning here. I believe there's supposed to be bad weather blowing in later.

I saw a cute video on social media of a young couple laughing and teasing each other. Holding hands and kissing. And it just seemed foreign to me. It's now nearly 3 years since I held the hand of someone I loved. Much less any kissing or "whatever". Why does the thought of doing that again seem so oddly foreign to me today?

I read along here a bit this morning - the theme right now seems to be laundry. Yesterday S24 helped me take the dryer apart for the routine cleaning out of excess lint. He'd never done it before and was interested in the exercise. There was little to clean out which is good as it's perhaps been a year or so since it was last done. It's something that I try to do fairly regularly as it is a potential fire hazard.

It does strike me from time to time on how dirty and messy this house was for so many years. Not that it's neat as a new pin now. I cleaned some cobwebs from corners of the cupboards this morning. There's a bit of clutter here and there and the cat boxes should have been scooped yesterday and still aren't. The full clean of the house is next weekend and I've puttered away here and there on the bits that bother me.

This morning I stumbled on the Facebook profile of one of the nice young ladies who I used to flirt with at the bank and browsed around a bit. Again - while some time ago I could have imaged dating or even smooching with her - today - nothing. Yesterday I chatted more than usual with FSL - the shop was quiet. And yeah - I find her attractive but couldn't imagine her being part of my life then.

I fully expect that this feeling of numbness is temporary. It's undoubtedly happened before but I don't remember it.

The Third Wish has been a big problem for me for a while now. I've shared this quote before

“If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.”

And I truly believe this to be true. Wishes don't come true. Hard work and determination make things happen. Apathy leads only to entropy.

But even though I know all of this, I still find myself wishing that what happened never did. Part of what keeps me here is what keeps me stuck. What actually did happen? Was it a MLC - does such a thing even exist? Was it just her being a selfish jerk? Was it magical fairies with pixie dust? Even though it didn't happen to me, I was nearly destroyed in the chaos. Am I whole? Will I ever be? We won't know the answer to that in advance. And perhaps I am whole but just don't know it.

And yes - less today than it has been - but I do wonder how my ex is navigating her own path. It is undoubtedly much more rocky than the one I am on. Or so I presume. Her life is opaque to me. From time to time I recall how cruel she was when on the rush of the affair and "getting away with it". I sometimes think back to how she took me for granted and kept me down for so many years.

Well. My pot of tea is empty now. I should shovel out the drive - the exercise in the cold and the bright sunshine will do me no end of good. Have a bowl of soup at the cafe after and then perhaps go in to "town" to see if I can find some basting tape I think it's called. SIL1 gave me some old curtains that a friend of her's was getting rid of. My ancient curtains have hooks and these panels don't support that. So the plan is to hem one of the sets to fit and then sew the hooks on to the curtains. In the dining room I think I'll double up the panels as well to make a thicker curtain that will do a good job of insulating.

Maybe my shopping cart will bump in to someone and I'll have a dream come true.

[kml]

You answered your own question kinda - if you want things to be different you need to work hard and learn new things. This includes dating. Dating at our age is work! You have to put effort in.

Now if you don't want to date, would rather just be the lonely hermit guy, fine. But if you'd like a woman in your life you need to stop waiting for one to fall into your lap.

Now as for the apathy - you may be depressed. Or you may not be over your wife. While you try to figure that out, how about taking up something new that's social? Take a class, learn to dance or paint or play an instrument, join a softball league, something!

[Dawn70]

One of the reasons I'm waiting is to see if CL does pop her head back up. Despite a number of red flags she is a pretty good match. I do really feel though that that ship has sailed. I wish her well and will undoubtedly bump in to her from time to time at family events. The last date we had was back in November though and there has been minimal contact since and certainly no invitation to get together. She knows where I am and presuming she follows my social media she would see that I am considering myself available.

Andrew,

My dear, sweet, lovely man...STOP THIS! ^^^^^

I am not a fan of cold weather AT ALL, but you are going to make me travel to the great white north and brave your arctic-like temperatures to hunt you down and smack you and I really don't want to have to do that. I like you and I don't like to smack people I like, but for the love of all things bright and beautiful, man, STOP pining for this woman who has so clearly friend-zoned you and continues to use you as her soft place to fall. You deserve SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much more!!!!!!!

Do NOT let a woman who makes no time for you dictate how you make time for yourself. You may or may not be ready for OLD, but do NOT make your readiness for it contingent upon what CL is going to do. If you think you are ready, take the plunge. If you think you are not, then hold off. But for the love of God, man, STOP making it about CL. In the immortal words of Elsa from "Frozen" LET. IT. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

You have a better memory for my love life than I do GSL is I am sure a non-starter. Other than the once I've not gotten any vibes from her at all that she may be interested in anybody much less me. She knows how to find me, there are innocuous reasons why she could reach out. I believe she's on the "nice person and neighbour" list. The lady who I used to walk with and get ice cream would be someone I'd reach out to except for the fact that the logistics are really not do-able. I'm only in her geography on Thursdays and Fridays and to have a date on other days would be an all-day affair.

Again, Andrew....please stop it. You are "SURE" GSL is a non-starter....why????? Have you asked? You have expressed clear interest to us here, but have you expressed clear interest to her? If I recall your story correctly, she's the one who has had some family issues of late, but that doesn't preclude you from expressing an interest. Stop mind reading. It does NOT do anything for you.

A bit of news - and yes - on the ex-wife front. She and S24 were out on Thursday evening. He came home while I was doing dishes in a great mood and with a new sweater which he showed off. As is the usual when he's with his mother he very carefully didn't say that he was with her but his silence told me anyway. As did suddenly finding a large block of cheese in the fridge the next morning which he must have slipped in after I went to bed. I felt very offended. We own cheese and don't need her charity. But after a while I decided to just let it slide yet again. I may have a grilled cheese and creamy tomato soup for dinner (using the cheese I already owned).

When I was telling S24 about this, I was surprised that he already knew. He said that he had scrolled through my Facebook feed earlier. Yeah - probably on his mother's behalf. Le sigh.

The cheese undoubtedly means that she and her guy are still a thing. Yes - she did leave me for discount priced dairy products. Giving it to S24 was perhaps a way of telling me that. Or more likely was just her way of being both thoughtful and thoughtless and marking "her" territory.

Andrew, Andrew, Andrew....we have talked about this, my dear. I really am going to have to come up there, aren't I? Your son is a grown man. If he chooses to have a relationship with his mother, that is solely between them. Nothing to do with you. And stop mind reading what they are doing and saying when they are together. What difference does it make? Who cares if she gave him cheese? I mean, I get that it likely came from OM, but still, if it bothers you that much, maybe you should tell S24 not to bring it home. Otherwise, see the above about letting it go. As for your facebook and S24 looking at it at his mother's request, you have NO clue if that is how it happened. Maybe she looked herself. Maybe someone else told her about it. You have said here before that SIL gives you info about XW's facebook, so how do you know someone is not doing the same for her? That's right, you don't know...you are assuming. And, you know what they say assuming does for a person, right? Or does that saying not make it that far north?

You answered your own question kinda - if you want things to be different you need to work hard and learn new things. This includes dating. Dating at our age is work! You have to put effort in.

Now if you don't want to date, would rather just be the lonely hermit guy, fine. But if you'd like a woman in your life you need to stop waiting for one to fall into your lap.

Now as for the apathy - you may be depressed. Or you may not be over your wife. While you try to figure that out, how about taking up something new that's social? Take a class, learn to dance or paint or play an instrument, join a softball league, something!

I TOTALLY agree with all that kml said here. The more I read your writings, I get the distinct impression that you may not be fully over your XW yet and that you are struggling with that. If that is the case, that is ok. You just need to learn how to manage it. Dating at this age IS hard and it does take work. You are a lovely man with so much to offer a lovely woman, but the odds of one just dropping in your lap are practically nil, so why do you seemingly keep waiting for that. I'm not a psychologist, nor do I play one on tv, but something just hit me as I was reading through and seeing what kml wrote. Is it possible that you have chosen CL precisely because she is somewhat unavailable, thus leaving you open to FEEL like you are trying to move on and even convincing yourself that you are when in fact, you are stuck, sort of pining for XW? I hope that doesn't come across too harshly because I really do like you, Andrew, but I worry about you. It seems as though you are mourning the loss of what could've been and that is SO counterproductive to your life. I get that you loved your XW and may still love her. You were comfortable in what you had with her and that all got blown to h3ll. I would totally understand if a part of you wanted to reconcile and I would also understand that another part of you has no desire to, but it just seems like you are stuck in this weird limbo. I don't know, maybe everyone goes through this to some degree.

I said before, but if you are ready to date, then by all means, put yourself out there. If you aren't ready, find something to do to GAL so that you don't sit around and think about XW and CL all the time. You deserve so much more. I am going to keep repeating that until you believe me. In the meantime, be looking for me because I'm coming up there to smack some sense into you. I'll be the big, tall woman with curly hair in a puffy coral colored coat. You'll likely recognize me by my Southern accent. I say y'all a lot.

[doodler]

I know that if I lived there that I'd want something like a Works Electric Hollyburn P5 scooter (doodler you NEED one of these). If I had the budget for toys and a need to do short trips I'd certainly want one of these.

Andrew,

That looks like an awesome scooter. I'd bet you could design some aftermarket accessories for the scooter. Things like ape hanger handlebars, chrome fender flares for the rear wheel, a small rocket-pack to be used as a hyper-drive, and leather vests that scooter owners could wear to show their scooter gang affiliation.

[AndrewP]

In the meantime, be looking for me because I'm coming up there to smack some sense into you. I'll be the big, tall woman with curly hair in a puffy coral colored coat. You'll likely recognize me by my Southern accent. I say y'all a lot.

You know - I could picture that completely. Along with the stern but caring look on your face.

As I would often say - "I'll stop you (and KML) when you're wrong". And neither of you are.

I'm not a psychologist, nor do I play one on tv, but something just hit me as I was reading through and seeing what kml wrote. Is it possible that you have chosen CL precisely because she is somewhat unavailable, thus leaving you open to FEEL like you are trying to move on and even convincing yourself that you are when in fact, you are stuck, sort of pining for XW?

I honestly don't know where my head or heart are these days. Talking about CL is really just an excuse for inaction on my part. As is undoubtedly the pining for my ex. As a very dear friend told me very bluntly about 2 1/2 years ago - she's not coming back. And the truth of the matter is - as you yourself have pointed out Dawn - along with a fair number of IRL friends - it would not be wise to go down that path anyway.

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Had a reasonably good day yesterday. My friend at the cafe was crying and on the phone when I arrived. Her sister is having a very tough time of things and just recently lost her house to fire and is having other difficulties. I offered a hanky and a hug - she passed on those - and listened. By the time another customer had come in she'd gotten herself together.

The haggis was a success. In the words of S24 "not bad" but he also asked that it not be a regular meal item. Even with it for lunch today I still have about half of it left. The whisky sauce was reasonably good too - part of the instructions was to light it after adding the whisky and I managed to retain my eyebrows.

I was also pleased with the presentation. One version of the plating of a haggis has it being served in layers. Haggis at the bottom, a layer of potatoes and then one of turnip. I picked up a small non-stick pot, packed the ingredients in in reverse order, flipped it over and it popped out perfectly Then I did it again, cut it in 4 with waxed paper for the freezer. I'm going to be eating this for a looong time I think. We also shared the first bottle from the wine of the month club that S24 signed up for as a Christmas present for me. It was quite nice and S24 actually had a small glass. He usually doesn't.

S24 was reasonably patient with me wanting to take a picture which he rightly guessed would be posted to Instagram. I'd talked up making this meal to so many people that I felt that I'd better share the results. He hadn't know that I post on there but then again - I think his social media browsing is on behalf of another a bunch of the time.

I was a bit overwhelmed yesterday though trying to get everything done including the timing of dinner. Much up and down the stairs between keeping an eye on the stove and trying to get my ironing done. Then a truly massive amount of dishes to clean up. It felt similar to the effort to do Christmas or Easter dinner. I did spoil myself earlier in the day though with a lovely bubble bath.

There's supposed to be a storm blowing through for the next day or so. Thus far the skies are calm.

[doodler]

I did spoil myself earlier in the day though with a lovely bubble bath.

A bubble bath? Real men don't take bubble baths. Cross dressing is acceptable, but a bubble bath, really? I don't know how things are up north, but down here in the south, real men scrub with gasoline or mineral spirits and a wire brush.

[AndrewP]

A bubble bath? Real men don't take bubble baths. Cross dressing is acceptable, but a bubble bath, really? I don't know how things are up north, but down here in the south, real men scrub with gasoline or mineral spirits and a wire brush.

I also used lavender scented bath bombs This is undoubtedly why we kicked your butt in the war of 1812. Not bathing in things that are flammable is undoubtedly a good rule for most people That and our bath bomb barrages - overlooked by most historians - undoubtedly turned the tide more than once. Who can resist a warm comfy tub after a long day of marching, counter-marching and getting shot at?

Happy Wednesday everyone. Another blustery day here although a number of my fellow Canadians on this forum are undoubtedly experiencing much snowier and colder weather. I have about 2 feet of snow on the lawn and the temperature is around -20 C today. A good day to stay inside with a nice pot of tea - freshly brewing for my lunch of left-over haggis.

I had potato pancakes and sausages this morning for breakfast. A nice cold day comfort food that also used up about half of the left-over mashed potatoes from Sunday. For any beginner cooks like myself - left over mashed potatoes mixed with an egg and some spices. Scoop in a measuring cup to the griddle and "ta da".

Not too much actually happening. The piano tuner was supposed to turn up this morning to tune my old upright which was last tuned in 1990. He canceled because of a combination of bad weather where he lives closer to Lake Huron and because his foster kids were kept home from school. He should be by next Wednesday. It will be good to have that done. Not that I play but if I own a piano it should be playable. I still shudder to think that my ex (who can play but never did and who insisted we own said piano) wanted to turn it in to a giant liquor cabinet. This from a woman who up to a year or so before her affair, rarely drank. This sort of fits in though with her also changing out our kitchen table for an island with wine storage - which I gave away this past summer after being unable to sell it online.

The cats are apparently slow learners. S24 has been locking them in the kitchen regularly - presumably they bother him first (?) If nothing else it does allow us both to get an uninterrupted sleep.

S24 is off to work today having been off Monday and Tuesday. I think he's having issues similar to me and OLD with getting motivation to find a new job. I pointed out the paper that had about 4 or 5 jobs in it to him last night and he browsed briefly and then moved on. I can't oblige him to find a new job - which I know he wants. Interestingly, neither he nor his mother have ever had to apply for a job for a job they got. They were always offered based on friends of friends etc.

Also in the "let ye who is without sin" category, I've not been working as hard on my own job search as I should. According to the rumour mill my position is very stable and there are interesting things in the pipeline. I was in a meeting yesterday reviewing where the renovations at our acid plant would create a permanent office for me. Another item is that I'm building a good pension which at my time of life is pretty important. I've joked with some people that in a couple of months I could theoretically retire as that is possible at 55. Practically speaking though and I always amend with this - I'm expecting to work in to my early 70s. That maximizes my pension payout. Despite my own parents dieing fairly early. My mother of colon cancer at 64 and my father who suffered from dementia of pneumonia at 72, I come from pretty long lived stock. My paternal grandparents were vigorous in to their 90s.

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I'm finding as I'm getting closer to my arbitrary deadline for enabling my OLD profile that I'm getting excited about the prospect. Scared and nervous still yes, but with a growing tinge of excitement and acceptance that yeah - I'm going to go that route. Working through thoughts feelings about both my ex and CL here has been helpful in (largely) setting those issues aside.

As (generally speaking) women seem to not be falling in to my lap OLD is one more obvious course to take. I do waffle about "stalker lady" who is pretty and nice and age appropriate. But S24 has said no for his own reasons. The only two of which I could get out of him is that she has 5 kids (and soon a grandchild) and that she has celiac which would mean switching to a gluten free menu. She also has a weird relationship with her most recent ex-husband that confuses me. I think she's been married at least twice and maybe 3 times.

I did smile last night when I saw that CL had cruised through and liked one of my recent instagram posts. The me of a month ago might have reached out to her. But I didn't and only have a moderate urge to do so. No clue what's up in her life. I do wish her well. Again - that's where talking this through and yes, getting whacked upside the head a bit has been helpful. I do like how I am obliged to examine my motivations about these things even when I don't agree with what others are saying.

My weight is still up - because I've not been following my diet as closely as I should nor getting regular exercise other than a fair bit of snow shoveling. It's easy to fall in to old habits. The real challenge is cutting out snacking and alcohol through the week which is one of my goals. Fortunately the closest liquor store is the one managed by my ex so I haven't gone there in years but there is a brewery around the corner that does a great local ale. Ignoring the alcohol part - the sheer number of calories in a beer is astounding. It's a work in progress. My blood pressure is varying around a fair bit but isn't as scary high as it was in the dentist's office. As I'm roughly 20lbs heavier than I was when my meds were reduced, I have a goal. And an achievable goal there. To correlation between weight and blood pressure is well documented. My unrealistic goal is to lose 50lbs from where I am which would put me at the weight I was when I got married. The current goal is to get down a bit to where the pants I bought in the fall fit again which is about 7 lbs. Then onward from there aiming for back to my post bomb-day low.

Well - nothing else much to talk about today really. I've finished my lunch now so back to work I suppose.

For those of you in northern climes - stay as warm and safe as you can.

[doodler]

I also used lavender scented bath bombs This is undoubtedly why we kicked your butt in the war of 1812.

Andrew,

You do know that the War of 1812 was just early 18th century fake news? In fact, James Madison tweeted, "Canada is just too d@mn cold to fight over. Furthermore their lavender scented bath bombs have a foul stench. Let the squatters squat. Maybe we'll build a wall."