I came here because I'm not sure what to do or make of my spouses behavior (sorry, no short hand here because I can't keep track of what all those letters mean).
We've been together for 9 years, married for 2. Recently (about 7 months ago) his parents sold their family company out from under him and he has been employed by a new company (which he hates) Since then, he's spent more time away from the house, drinking, and avoiding me in general. We don't argue at all, we just don't communicate. I know he's depressed, based on how he has behaved in the past, and how he behaves now. He constantly says he's miserable and the only time he is happy is when he is away fishing or snowmobiling. He's been a complete jerk to me, both in private at home and in public. Last week, after us having difficulty for the past year or so, he told me that he didn't want to try and work on things and he just wanted us to go our separate ways. I kinda saw this coming so I was able to mentally prepare and not beg and plead and cry etc.
Its just strange because every since then he has been really nice to me. I'm trying to be detached but I'm just not sure what else to do. I left my home and moved across the country to be with him. I'm going to move back home in a month to be with my family. I don't know if this will help or hurt. Just looking for some advice?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm sorry you are in this situation. You will receive a ton of great information and help from this site. Keep your head up. Read all of the links that were posted.
Not to worry you but your H may be having an affair. At minimum he is a Walkaway Spouse (WAS)
Post more about his behaviors at home. Are there any red flags? Change of clothing style? Hitting the gym more? New friends? Hiding his phone? Very combative and argumentative when asked about anything? Does he shower more often? Groom differently?
Does he blame you? Rewrite history?
Again keep posting. Give us some background. How old are you both? Any kids?
Keep detaching. This is for your emotional health and safety. No talking about your relationship or the future.
I personally would not move out yet. However, if its unbearable or dangerous to be at home then yes move.
Before you talk about anything with him come post it here for feedback. Any situations arise come post them here for feedback. Reference these boards often. Go read as many situations as you can. You will see a common theme with the WAS. They all act the same and read from the same script.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
The thought had that he is having an affair briefly crossed my mind because he changed his phone password, won't ever let me look at it and started spending a lot of time at the bar (even months before he mentioned anything about a divorce) The only thing that makes me think he may not be having an affair and is just depressed is because he is kind of letting himself go. He won't get a hair cut or shave so he's very shaggy, has gone down to only showering and brushing his teeth maybe once a week or so. Adding the drinking he smells awful.
He doesn't necessarily blame me for everything, he admits a lot of his unhappiness is stemming from his unhappy work life. I admit that when he started behaving differently because of his work, I took it personally and had a hard time supporting his feelings. I just didn't know what to do. Because of that he states he would leave home often to get away to the woods so he could be alone. From there we just drifted apart. I want to badly to work on it, but he "just doesn't feel like working on it" and he would rather "end it while we're still ahead"
Part of me thinks leaving will be a good thing to give us some space to think about what we want.
Dont blame yourself. Marriage is until death. Not until one gets tired or finds something better.
Yes, recognize your 50% of contributions to any unhappiness and do a 180 on those behaviors. It's time to work on yourself.
Dont make decisions or behave based on what he thinks or how he reacts. Better yourself for yourself.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
if only our WAS felt that way " marriage is until death " I wish they saw it as that. I mean once upon a time they did but for some odd reason they can't see it that way anymore.
It just confuses the heck out of me because we've been together for 10 years and only married for two. I don't want to just give up and not work on it. Marriage is really important to me and I truly believe that the grass is greener where you water it and tend to it. I'm trying to be detached and not let his actions stir me up but its difficult.
none of us lbs understand it , it confuses all of us. Heres my thinking is i feel like all of our was etc would have said the same thing in the past they wouldnt want to just give up they'd want to work on it and fix it. When does it change and they can just walk away and be done im not sure. I know for a fact my w would have worked on it in the past cause she got me to go to a few appts like 7 years ago.
The problem is you see it as grass is greener where you water it but they see it as grass is greener on the other side...
Lost... sorry you are here. Your H sounds depressed to me... not taking care of himself, wanting to isolate himself. The trips to the bar may be more about self-medicating than an affair. Unfortunately, alcohol makes depression worse. My advice to you is to GAL as much as you can and give him lots of space. He is wanting to run away from any pressure. Has he been to see his doctor? Some antidepressants may help. Counselling in addition to medication is better but really depressed people often don’t want to expend the energy to go to counselling. Does his work offer any employee assistance benefits?
Ive suggested seeing a therapist (if not for marriage than at the very least for his own personal issues) but he flat out refused. He has cut back on the drinking because I made the suggestion that that is why he isn't sleeping well and he tested it and it worked. (Surprise surprise?) I want to stay and work on it but I fear that staying will only suffocate him more and make the problem worse. I want to give him the space he needs to work out his issues. I guess I just need to accept the possibility that he won't make the choice to come back.
He also hasn't mentioned anything about the divorce since his initial request (and even then he didn't even say the words divorce, he said "go our separate ways"). I certainly am not gonna be the one to bring it up.
