Your shortest path back together is to go the opposite direction.
You need to make things *worse* before they can get better
Are you willing to do that?
I heard it loud and clear. My therapist told me the same. He said I need to break the obsession with my wife. I appreciate all the advice, but when you say "make things worse" I don't know how and what to do.
At one point she started chatting with her bf when I was in bed, but I could hear her because the office is close to the bedroom. I told her that night that she got to sleep downstairs where the kids are. We got an extra mattress and she slept in the hallway down there for weeks until her dad bought her a day bed. I told her that I do not want to wake up next to someone who has no respect for me. Some weeks later she told me that her sleeping down there was "liberating"....whatever that means. Since then I spend my evenings alone with the cats. My youngest son comes by to visit me often, my oldest once in a while.I play games with them or we watch funny YouTube videos. But aside from that being alone is hard.
1) Speak with a lawyer and get legal advise. 2) Setup bank account in your name only. Have your paychecks go there. 3) All joint CC should be canceled and paid off if possible.
No one has fallen in love with me for how well I clean out the cat litter box. Or how shinny the dishes come out of the dishwasher.
I think I understand...but not really. I know what the words mean, but I don't know what to do in practice.
Be indifferent. Don't let her actions and words bother you. So, go read the detachment thread!!! Haha...
Originally Posted by DaveK
That is where my concern is....she told me all the things I messed up and didn't do. Now I'm doing it and it's not good? It leaves me confused. If I do these things I come across as doormat, when I don't do them I wonder if she thinks she was right all along and that I will never change
That's right, you never had a chance at winning that one! It's confusing and that's because it doesn't make sense. But it's her story and she's sticking to it for now, so no need to fight her on it. Make positive changes in your life for yourself, do the things that you think are legitimately areas you can and should improve on.
You are not a horrible person, you are not unloved, and you did not deserve this. You asked
Originally Posted by DaveK
Do I have the strength?
and the answer Yes, if you decide you do.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I would agree that you need to separate finances to protect yourself and your family. Based on what you said about her and alcohol and this mysterious man in India I really wouldn't trust her to make rational decisions. That doesn't necessarily mean unilaterally cutting her off, but you can't allow her access to all that money.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
She may not be interested in ruining you financially, but he may be slowly pulling money out of her and she will want to help him as to not lose her.
She is being scammed. SO that big car repair money you might see slowly dwindled.
Take her off that account. Seriously. This can get bad.
This is legally not possible unless I go to court I guess. She needs to sign papers with the bank. I asked already. I can create a new account and have my salary go there leaving enough money in the joined account to pay any bills that I didn't transfer over yet as well as leave money for expenses.
Thanks for all the responses.
I do have one pressing question....what should I tell my wife when she asks me why I detach? Plain out tell her that if she is not interested in me I am not interested in her?
I added info to my signature. What else would be helpful?
I made a few decisions - will open a bank account in my name only and transition things over - will look into closing the shared credit card account. I already have a new one only for me for day to day use. Will change anything that is charged automatically to that card - once done I will leave only some money in the shared account
I signed up for a board game meetup months ago. I will go there tonight and have a good time.
Lastly.....I'm scared to the bone. I'm scared about what will come, about losing her for good, and above all what impact that has on our kids....and scared that I will fold under the stress and pressure. And I feel lonely.
Last edited by Cadet; 01/30/1910:11 PM. Reason: combine posts
Lastly.....I'm scared to the bone. I'm scared about what will come, about losing her for good, and above all what impact that has on our kids....and scared that I will fold under the stress and pressure. And I feel lonely.
Those are all normal thoughts for this situation. I know I feel them and think about it too. Life will never go back to what you knew it as before this all happened, and I can see that even though it's only been 2 months for me. It has helped me to try and find something each day that is good, even just a nice view of a snowy mountain on a sunny day.
This is a really tough thing to go through, I feel the same pressure and stress. Keep in your mind that everything you do is to improve yourself and improve for your kids. I focus on that and keep pushing forward. There is a long road ahead; there are lots of good people and much good advice here to help get through each day. Get stronger, get smarter, get new friends, get you and the kids out for fun activities.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
I'm scared to the bone. I'm scared about what will come, about losing her for good, and above all what impact that has on our kids....and scared that I will fold under the stress and pressure.
Do not let fear control you. Fight fear with logic. Fight fear with knowledge. Fight fear with actions.
Prepare for your worse fear. Face it head on. Anything else will be easy.
Originally Posted by coach
I see this concept talked about a lot, hard to understand and difficult to implement. I think a discussion of what detachment is and how to effectively use it would be beneficial to most of us. I will take a shot at it and encourage others to chime in. There are some good resources on the web Al-Anon uses detachment as does co-dependendence literature.
To me detachment means letting go of outcomes. I don't control the outcome so I shouldn't place my worth on the result. Doesn't mean stop caring, not trying, not having a plan, or giving up. I am solely in control of myself. If I do my best, I did all I could at the time then it has to be enough. I can learn from the experience and improve the process for future experiences.
How to practice detachment? Figure out the worst thing that could happen to you? (Spiers Doctrine - "The only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to function as a soldier is supposed to function.") So the only thing that matters is are you doing the right thing. It easier to make a plan, take action and be brave when you aren't afraid of the outcome, you can't get hurt if you are already dead.
Originally Posted by Coach
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I do have one pressing question....what should I tell my wife when she asks me why I detach? Plain out tell her that if she is not interested in me I am not interested in her?
I added info to my signature. What else would be helpful?
I made a few decisions - will open a bank account in my name only and transition things over - will look into closing the shared credit card account. I already have a new one only for me for day to day use. Will change anything that is charged automatically to that card - once done I will leave only some money in the shared account
I signed up for a board game meetup months ago. I will go there tonight and have a good time.
Lastly.....I'm scared to the bone. I'm scared about what will come, about losing her for good, and above all what impact that has on our kids....and scared that I will fold under the stress and pressure. And I feel lonely.
You don't tell her you are detaching. You just detach. Actions, not words. In my experience they do not ask us why we are acting differently.
Don't be scared. Fear will hold you back. Don't focus on losing her, you already lost her. Your relationship is over. Its already done. So be the best version of yourself you can possibly be.
And don't worry, you WILL feel better. This board saved my life. I was spiraling out of control trying to navigate my sitch. I was extremely depressed, angry, sad and riding the roller coaster of emotions non stop. I put my foot down hard and detached hardcore. I reduced my contact with my WW to almost nothing and began to just enjoy my life.
That caused my WW to constantly bounce off of me to fill the void with negativity. I just ignore it and keep moving forward. You need to get to the point where you are indifferent about her. When you get to this point you will feel much better about yourself.
You will realize that you are "a man only a fool would leave" and that there are literally billions of other women on this planet, out of which there is absolutely at least one that would treat you like a king like you deserve.
That being said, it hurts man and it will for a while, but the sooner you get to practicing DB, the sooner you will feel better. Don't bottle up your emotions. If you need to cry, then cry, as long as its not in front of the kids or the W. If you are angry, go to the gym and beat the crap out of yourself. Make sure that your pent up energy is spent on something healthy.
DO NOT get drawn into talks about R or into any arguments. You may find that when detaching, like with my WW, all they want to do is try and spark a fight or criticize you. Just ignore it and move forward.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I’m with you—it’s scary and don’t know what to expect, all the while dealing with guilt / remorse over what was. But the advice from ST is spot-on, and I need to remember this for myself, too.
It will get better—it time.
Originally Posted by SoTorn
You don't tell her you are detaching. You just detach. Actions, not words. In my experience they do not ask us why we are acting differently.
Don't be scared. Fear will hold you back. Don't focus on losing her, you already lost her. Your relationship is over. Its already done. So be the best version of yourself you can possibly be.
And don't worry, you WILL feel better. This board saved my life. I was spiraling out of control trying to navigate my sitch. I was extremely depressed, angry, sad and riding the roller coaster of emotions non stop. I put my foot down hard and detached hardcore. I reduced my contact with my WW to almost nothing and began to just enjoy my life.
That caused my WW to constantly bounce off of me to fill the void with negativity. I just ignore it and keep moving forward. You need to get to the point where you are indifferent about her. When you get to this point you will feel much better about yourself.
You will realize that you are "a man only a fool would leave" and that there are literally billions of other women on this planet, out of which there is absolutely at least one that would treat you like a king like you deserve.
That being said, it hurts man and it will for a while, but the sooner you get to practicing DB, the sooner you will feel better. Don't bottle up your emotions. If you need to cry, then cry, as long as its not in front of the kids or the W. If you are angry, go to the gym and beat the crap out of yourself. Make sure that your pent up energy is spent on something healthy.
DO NOT get drawn into talks about R or into any arguments. You may find that when detaching, like with my WW, all they want to do is try and spark a fight or criticize you. Just ignore it and move forward.
